We want to reiterate the importance of consistency. Be sure your children know what to expect from you. Don’t keep them guessing whether or not you mean what you say. It’s really not fair to them.
Let’s say you are consistent with discipline and yet you haven’t seen a real change. You may, unknowingly, be strengthening your child’s will in other ways. Reb is very thorough in listing those ways in Chapter 6. He says that we can foster self-indulgence in our children by:
1. Removing many of life’s obstacles and unpleasant circumstances. For instance:
a. Not making them wait
b. Allowing them to interrupt conversations. This tells them they are the center of the universe and no one else matters. Allow interruptions for emergencies only – in our house that’s if someone is dying, bleeding or throwing up.
c. Running to them whenever they call. Instead, if they call you, tell them where you are and let them come to you.
d. Allowing them to complain about food, cutting off their crusts and peeling their apples because they don’t like it. We tell them its part of the bread or apple and they can eat it.
e. Not allowing your kids to experience disappointment. It’s okay to feel disappointment but if we let our kids wallow in it, we’re not teaching them self-control. Be sympathetic but move on.
f. Doing everything for them – tie their shoes, get their water, clean up their messes. Teach them how to do simple things on their own and encourage that responsibility. If they can do it for themselves, they shouldn’t expect you to do it for them.
g. Allowing them to pout or complain or be anti-social if there are kids over that aren’t in their preferred age range. Teach your kids to be good hosts and hostesses no matter who is over.
2. Feeding their appetites for pleasure:
a. Just because we have the means to indulge our children, doesn’t mean we should.
b. Don’t feel the need to give you kids all the latest toys or whatever all their friends have. Allow them to do without – plenty of children do and it builds character.
c. Be sure to teach them to ask for something by saying “May I please” instead of “I want” and don’t allow whining when making requests either.
3. Allowing unrestrained self-expression and venting of passions – which would include whining, yelling, complaining, fits, pouting, etc. Psychologists say, “Get it out. Vent. Let loose. Hit a pillow or punching bag.” No where in the Bible is this taught. Instead, we are taught
Be angry and sin not
Let no corrupting talk come out of our mouths
Be kind to one another
Be imitators of God
Walk in love
Live in peace
Do all things without grumbling or questioning
Proverbs tells us Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding...and When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.
Colossians 3:14 says to put on love which binds everything together in perfect unity.
Verse 17 says “And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” We can’t do a lot of venting or self-expression if “we’re doing everything in the name of the Lord”
4. Allowing them to have a say in family decisions when young – like where to go out to eat, where to vacation, what recreational activities they will be involved in, what music will be listened to in the car. Instead let them learn to cooperate with your leadership and decision making.
5. Allowing them to make too many personal decisions too young – what to wear, which plate they want to eat from, which cup they want, where they want to sit, which book to read. (Example of a day – from Reb)In a child’s world, decisions that we see as insignificant, are big to them. When your child complains about a decision you’ve made, it’s a clear sign that they have had too much freedom in that area and are not willing to submit to your authority. As a child proves to be obedient and responsible, then they should be given (funnel) more of these freedoms.
6. Tolerating partial obedience
a. you tell them to sit in the chair and you settle for a squat.
b. you ask them to put something away and they put it in the room where it belongs but not in its place.
c. you call them and they come – eventually
7. Inconsistency with discipline. This will not only frustrate your children, it will give them permission not to obey every time you speak. You’ll leave them guessing whether they are really allowed to do something or not. If you have rules that you forget easily, write them down.
We should understand that behavior is just an outward expression of the heart. Luke 6:44-46 “for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks."
So don’t just look at your child’s behavior. Think of their wrong behavior like a check engine light. It means something is wrong under the hood – in their heart. Seek to find out what is going on inside. The resource we showed you last week from Ginger Plowman is a great way to get you started with this. She says it is not our job to judge our children’s hearts but to help them discern whether their actions were right or wrong. Based on Ephesians 4, she writes, “Parents need to reprove their children of sinful behavior and encourage them in righteous behavior.” Your children should understand that it’s not just the behavior you want to correct, it’s the sin in their hearts that needs to be changed. Remember it is absolutely natural for your child to sin. So don’t take their actions personally. Look at their sin as opportunity to train them in godliness.
What I’m about to read came from a website of a mother of 10. “When you observe your child, do you observe his actions or his spirit? Do you only notice whether he is keeping the rules you have given him, or do you also notice the attitude with which he is keeping (or not keeping) them? Do you focus solely on whether he is obeying your exact words, or are you also focusing on his heart as he obeys or disobeys your words?
We often notice a disagreeable action first. It catches our attention, and if we are diligent parents, we make moves to correct the bad behavior. That's wonderful, but if that's all we do, we may eventually find ourselves with children who obey outwardly, but whose hearts are not right and pure inside. They may appear on the surface to be godly, but it will not be in their hearts. Eventually, perhaps years down the road, the thoughts in their hearts will surface, and their indifference toward God will begin to show in their actions.
Actions are important, but what goes on inside your child is far more important. …we need to train ourselves to immediately see not only the action that caught our attention, but also the underlying spirit that motivated it. What we as parents should be aiming at is correcting and improving our children's character - training them in godliness. Without reading and training their spirits, we will not succeed in raising godly adults who will love and serve God with their whole hearts.”
I want you to think about goals that you have set for yourself in the past. Maybe you set a goal to spend less and save more. Or you set a goal to get in shape and/or lose weight. When you set a goal, you normally filter your decisions through the strainer of “Will this accomplish my goal?” So let’s say you’ve decided you are going lose 10 pounds. Every time you go to eat something, don’t you think, “Hmm, is this going to help me achieve my goal, or will this ambush it?” Or perhaps, “Is sitting here on the couch going to burn off that 10 pounds? Or should I get up and go for a walk?” It’s the same with our goals for our family. We should have the goal to train our children to spiritual maturity – self-control, wisdom and responsibility - so that they will better be able to really love God and others.
That means we’re going to have to filter our parenting decisions through that goal. “Will ignoring this fit train them in self-control?” “Will allowing disobedience to our authority teach them how to submit to God’s authority?” “Will sitting here hoping the situation will go away really make it go away?” "Will my actions, or lack thereof, produce a harvest of righteousness in the life of my child?”
This quote comes from Richard Fugate’s Book “What the Bible Says About Child Training.”
“Controlling a child is an expression of parental love – true concern for the benefit of the child. True love will require a personal sacrifice on the part of the parents.” “They must be willing to face the inevitable conflict that occurs when the child must be confronted with his disobedience. The sacrifice involved in controlling a child also includes the instant handling of unplanned interruptions into the parents’ [lives]. These interruptions often interfere with what the parents want or need to do. Therefore, loving parents must be more concerned with doing what will best benefit the child rather than what they would like to do to benefit themselves.”
It is easy to get distracted from our goal.
We think we have something better to do with our time. We have jobs and sports and clubs and even ministries pulling us away from our families. For a long time I felt the pull to serve. Before I had children, I looked forward to the day when I could devote time to working at the Pregnancy Center or at a homeless shelter. We even said at one point that we wanted to stop having kids so we could go on mission trips. And while those things are admirable and important, at this season in my life, I am called to be a mother. My children are my ministry. I am raising warriors. So, I have finally learned to be content in this ministry and not just content, I love it. There may be a time in my life when I serve outside my home but if it takes away from my family, it will have to wait.
On a daily level, we think we have to get the laundry and dishes done, or finish that project in the guest room and we neglect so many opportunities to teach and correct our children in love. Or maybe you’re overly involved in extracurricular activities. You’re in a hurry all the time because you’re overcommitted and you can’t stop now for discipline. You’ll deal with it later. We can be distracted by climbing the corporate ladder, or keeping up with the Joneses. Proverbs (22:1) says “A good name is more desirable than great riches…” As parents, we have nothing better to do than train up our children.
I Corinthians (6:12) says, “All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful… and (10:23) says, “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up.
We have to decide if how we spend our time is merely permissible or is it actually helpful and beneficial?
Think about this, “The value of anything is in the price it pays in eternity.”
We want to give our children the gifts of self-control, wisdom and responsibility. Don’t be upset when your child sins. It would be unnatural for them not to. Look at is an opportunity to grow in patience and perseverance on your part and an opportunity to train them in righteousness on their part. When you feel the irritation creeping in as you get up yet one more time to deal with yet another situation, smile, thank God for your child and cheerfully say, “Yea, another training opportunity!” We’ve found it helps us lighten up if we do a little dance on the way. Make up a little cheer that will remind you that you have nothing better to do than train up warriors for Christ. They will thank us one day. And if they don’t, God will.
