How do we raise our children to be responsible adults? And what does that even look like? We want to talk about 2 aspects of responsibility.
The first aspect involves accepting personal accountability for one’s own actions. That means training our children to accept the consequences of their actions; not shifting the blame on someone else or trying to lessen the seriousness of their behavior. Whatever the consequence, we can teach them to accept it willingly and without complaint or attitude.
It also means doing for themselves what they can or need to do. If they can dress themselves, get their own water, fix their own cereal, let them. Or if they make a mess or spill something, let them clean it up. If they are too young to do the job completely, they can help you clean it up. And one of the best habits you can help your child develop is putting away whatever they have pulled out.
The second aspect of responsibility involves having faithful and conscientious work habits, characterized by integrity and reliability. How do we develop that part of responsibility? It starts young and requires our example, instruction and lots of practice.
We can teach them to contribute to our family through household chores. When they are old enough to walk, they are old enough to pick up toys and books and put them away. Then as they show ability, you add to that.
About 3 years ago I got a list of Stages of Responsibility and someone gave me the talk about giving your kids chores. I decided I would try it. So I put Emma, who was 5 at the time, in charge of vacuuming the family room. We had a lightweight, self-propelled vacuum so I knew she was capable of handling it. However, this was before I realized my children should not be held to my perfectionist standards. I got so frustrated that she couldn’t vacuum in perfectly straight lines, while just slightly overlapping the rows. Let me just say, “Don’t do this to your children.” Expect them to do their best, not yours. And be patient. It may take time for them to learn how to do something correctly. You might want to practice chores during training time.
Try to put them in your daily schedule. Pick a time each day or week that you can consistently devote to learning and doing chores. We’ve set aside an hour each afternoon for household chores. I started out by making a list of all the household cleaning I wanted to get done each week. Then based on their abilities, I divided up the jobs. Every 6 months we change jobs. Show Chore Handout and Website:
After a few weeks, they get so good at doing their jobs that we can do get 2 days of chores done in 1. By keeping chores for 6 months at a time instead of letting them pick a different chore each week, I do not have to spend time training and retraining every week. After about 3 weeks, they get it down and can do it on their own with occasional checkups and reminders.
There are also daily chores that they all get to do. Morning chores consist of brushing their teeth & hair, making their beds and cleaning up their rooms and getting dressed. They all help empty the dishwasher and clean up after every meal. Even two year olds can put plastic cups and containers away and 3 year olds can sort silverware.
If you’re like some of our friends who are not particular about how laundry is done, you can teach them as young as 5 to do that. Jenny’s a little nutty about laundry and hasn’t given that over to anyone yet. But, she has taught them to sort it into all the different baskets, though. So add chores that you are comfortable with and that can help you out while at the same time teaching them responsibility.
After you set a standard for a chore and you know they are capable of keeping it, then if they don’t do it, consequences should follow. For sloppy work or work that is not completed, have them go back and do it again. If they are lazy or don’t do their work with a good attitude, they may require additional work or have to finish the job while everyone else sits down for the next meal. Missing a meal is reserved for 5 years and up. But they need to know ahead of time that this is a possible consequence. Don’t spring this on them.
Proverbs (20:4) says “The sluggard does not plow in the autumn; he will seek at harvest and have nothing.”
I repeat be sure they know and understand the standard. Be sure they are capable of the standard or evaluate if the standard is too high – like having perfect vacuum lines. Jenny used to want all the kids clothes in their closets organized by season and color. There are just some things that we have to give a little on.
Be careful to determine whether your child is being lazy or needs more training. One of our children does not see the details in his job. So when he was learning how to clean out the car, Jenny would go out to check it and there would be all this stuff on the floor. She’d said, “How do you not see that?” But he honestly didn’t. She had to give him more specific directions instead of just “okay go out and get the toys and trash out of the car.” She had to help him organize his process, “check the floor, check the seats, check under the seats.” It took him a few weeks of being sent back out and taught where to look for things before he finally got it. Know your kids and what they need in order to succeed. Then take the time to help them.
What’s more important than having everything done perfectly is having it done with the right attitude. Teach them that God worked and gave us work. In Genesis it says, “And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.” (Genesis 2:3)
He didn’t put us here to lay back and relax while the earth runs itself, either. I used to think work was part of the fall of man. I think that gives us a good reason not to like it. But even before Eve was around, the Bible says, “The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.” (Genesis 2:15)
So we work. Our children should work too. We can teach them the value and satisfaction of a job well done. In our country we view childhood as the time to get in as much playtime as possible instead of viewing it as preparation for adulthood. So part of training our children to maturity is training them to be responsible through work. Each member of a family should chip in and help out however they can because that’s what families do. If Mommy and Daddy only took care of their laundry and prepared only food for themselves, what would the kids wear or eat. If Daddy or Mommy chose not to go to work because they just didn’t feel like it, what would happen to the family? It’s not an option that at some point kids start helping out. My friend went to Africa last Fall and she was telling us about a village they went to. When they stopped at this one hut they found a four year old babysitting a 2 year old and 6 month old while their mom and dad were working in the field nearby. When the 6 mo old began to cry, the 4 year old took him out to the field to find the mom so she could nurse him and then took him back again. My friend saw many children about 4 years and up carrying around babies in slings on their backs. It’s all about perspective and expectations.
It is so important to teach our children to do their work without complaining, Phil 2:14. And Colossians 3:23 says, “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.” Now as usual, we have to lead by example. That can be tough. I get tired of the laundry and cleaning toilets and picking up clothes and toys. But if they hear you complain, they will do it do. So wash those dishes and change those dirty diapers for the Lord because that is what He’s given you to do.
If you have trouble with their attitudes, remind them what Proverbs says about sluggards: (Proverbs 24:30-34)
I passed by the field of a sluggard, by the vineyard of a man lacking sense,and behold, it was all overgrown with thorns; the ground was covered with nettles, and its stone wall was broken down.Then I saw and considered it; I looked and received instruction.
A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest,and poverty will come upon you like a robber, and want like an armed man
Proverbs 6:6 Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise.
Ask them if they want to be a sluggard or a hard worker?
Go to the Ant… It illustrates the benefits of following the ant’s example and the consequences for laziness. Also in the Wisdom and the Millers book that we showed you last week, one of the chapters has a story about going to the ant. It teaches that the ants have no one who bosses them around they just do what needs to be done without complaining and without bossing anyone else around as well. There is also a story in it from which we got our phrase “Many hands make light work.”
Now if you’re kids are not already doing chores, sit down with them and maybe talk about why chores are important and why all family members should contribute.
To give us some perspective, I want to read this email from Todd Wilson, father of 8. He’s the guy that gave me the Lead Dog illustration. He sends emails to dads encouraging them in their roles as fathers:
"Hey Dad,
I just had to write while the iron is hot. It’s therapeutic for me to blab to 10,000 dads that my children are---how do I say this gently? PIGS!!!! Our children do chores, and they have responsibilities. We train them, we dole out consequences when they don’t do a job well, we work on specifics, and still, they’re PIGS!!!
The mess that (ten) people can create is overwhelming at times. We can work all day cleaning up one area, and then, whal-la, like magic, it’s trashed again within about 13 minutes.
So I’ve decided that instead of banging my head against the wall and lamenting this fact, I’m going to---plot my revenge. Yes, sir, I’m not going to get mad, I’m going to get EVEN.
Here’s what I’ve planned so far: First, I have to wait about 20 years until they’re all grown up and out of the house. Then, I’ll go to each of their houses starting with the oldest and work my way down from there.
After a few minutes of light conversation, I’ll say I have to go to the bathroom. Once there, the revenge will begin as I take a perfectly neat tube of toothpaste and squeeze it all over the edges of the sink and then of course leave the cap off for them to find---behind the toilet.
Then, I’ll do my business, not even trying to hit the toilet, and for good measure, I’ll pull off every towel they own from the towel bars and wad them up on the floor.
Man, this is good.
Later, when I know no one’s looking, I’ll take an entire package of Ritz crackers from the kitchen cupboard, crush them in my hand, and sprinkle them all over the floor. Then, I’ll take a jar of peanut butter and scoop out a big glob with my fingers, smear the entire outside of the jar, put it back in the cupboard---and of course, leave the lid for them to find---behind the toilet.
For my entire visit, I’ll go from room to room making messes just like they used to make…but this is the weird part. You see, I’m confident that the more messes I make in their house, the more saddened I’ll be that they are no longer making messes in my house. I will hate having a spotlessly clean house all the time.
I need to stop and think about that for a while.
Talk about irony. The very things that drive us dads crazy now will be the things we will miss the most later."
Isn’t that true?
I wanted to wrap up what we’ve taught so I wrote A Parent’s Daily Prayer. On the back is a list of the verses used.
We encourage you to take the Biblical Insights ACTS class on Wed nights some time next year. By then you will have more children or the ones you have now will be older and trying new things that you will need a refresher on.
A Parent's Daily Prayer
Lord, I know the wisdom of this world is foolishness to You, but Scripture is breathed out by You and is profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction and for training in righteousness. I have no other source of absolute truth by which I should live my life.
Help me to be an example of love to my children by loving You and others because if I don’t have love, I am nothing. If I don’t discipline, instruct, correct, or encourage in love, I gain nothing. I can choose, despite my feelings, to love with my words and deeds. I can choose to speak and act in kindness, patience and truth. I can choose not to be arrogant, rude, irritable or resentful. I can choose to put others’ interests ahead of my own. Help me, Lord, to bear, believe, hope and endure all things.
I can only do it through Your divine power which has given me everything I need for life and godliness through my knowledge of You, having been called for Your glory and excellence. That knowledge comes through time spent in Your Word and in Your presence trying to discern what pleases You.
You have made my spouse and me one because You are seeking godly offspring. With Your help, I will obey Your Word and raise my children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord so that when they are old they will not depart from it.
Knowing that out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks, help me to look beyond my children’s behavior and seek to restore their hearts. Give me wisdom to determine whether they need correction, discipline, encouragement or instruction.
I will expect first-time obedience and honor so that my children will be blessed by You. When discipline is needed, I ask for strength to restore them in a spirit of gentleness; to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry because my anger will not produce Your righteousness in them.
I will love You, Lord my God, with all my heart, soul and might. I will keep your commands on my heart so that I can diligently teach them to my children when we talk, walk, sit, lie down and rise up. I know that if I want to pass on genuine faith in You to my children, I must not only be a hearer or “preacher” of the Word but a doer also.
Lord, help me to stand firm, letting nothing move me because my labor in the Lord is not in vain. Help me not to grow weary in training or doing good, knowing in due season I will reap a harvest of righteousness and peace in the lives of my children.
Verses from A Parent's Daily Prayer
I Corinthians 3:19a
For the wisdom of this world is folly with God.
II Timothy 3:16
II Timothy 3:16
All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.
Matthew 22:36
Matthew 22:36
And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”
I Corinthians 13:1-7
I Corinthians 13:1-7
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Philippians 2:4
Philippians 2:4
Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
2 Peter 1:3
2 Peter 1:3
His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence.
Ephesians 5:10
Ephesians 5:10
and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.
Malachi 2:15
Malachi 2:15
Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring.
Luke 6:46
Luke 6:46
"Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord,' and not do what I tell you?”
Ephesians 6:4
Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Proverbs 22:6
Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Luke 6:45
Luke 6:45
The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
Ephesians 6:1-3
Ephesians 6:1-3
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land."
Galatians 6:1
Galatians 6:1
…if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.
James 1:19-20
James 1:19-20
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
Deuteronomy 6:5-9
Deuteronomy 6:5-9
You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
James 1:22
James 1:22
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.
I Corinthians 15:58
I Corinthians 15:58
Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.
Galatians 6:9
Galatians 6:9
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.
Hebrews 12:11
Hebrews 12:11
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Loving God and Others, Sibling Rivalry (week 7)
Everything we’ve talked about the last couple of months is for the purpose of teaching our children self-control, wisdom and responsibility. When we do this, we lead our children to a place where they can live out Jesus’ words to love God and others. If you raise children who are obedient and respectful in their actions but not in their hearts, you’re not finished. Reb says it’s like building the foundation of a house and then stopping construction. Chapter 15 goes into great detail about this so please, if you haven’t already, read the rest of the book.
We must model genuine love for God, for them and for others if we want them to do the same.
How do we love God? I John 5:3 "For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome." How do we know the commandments of God? Spending time with Him in prayer and studying His Word.
What about teaching our kids to love others? If we want our kids to love others, we have to show love to them in our words and deeds, with our attitudes and tones. That can be as simple as smiling at them. Be excited to see them, even after naptime when you’re not ready for them to be up yet. Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.” I’d like to add to that, with her own mouth tears it down.
Fill their love tanks by speaking their love language. Love them unconditionally. I can easily put performance over people. This is wrong. Perfect closets, good grades or all-star status means nothing in eternity. Paul says in 1 Cor 13 “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.”
Try to understand them. Romans 15:1 “We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves.” We need to be careful that our expectations are God’s expectations, first of all. Then when we are dealing with our children, practice patience and empathy. If they come to you with an opinion or talk to you about their feelings, don’t automatically correct them by saying, “Well that’s just silly, you shouldn’t worry about that.” They need to feel safe and accepted by you. If they don’t, there will be a time when they will look elsewhere to find acceptance. If you feel you need to talk to them about an issue, you may want to wait until another day. This goes for elementary aged kids and up.
Accept them. We should not compare our kids to their siblings or anyone else. God made your child exactly the way he is for a reason. Our job is not to criticize but help them bring out the strengths of their personalities, temperaments and gifts. Don’t label. They will live up the expectations you set for them. We have had to be very careful not to talk about Charlie in front of him or his siblings by saying he’s the hard one. I don’t want him to live up to that standard.
Growing up I was labeled “opinionated and outspoken.” So I lived up to that. I was rough and not very lady like. What I wasn’t taught was that everyone is opinionated, not everyone shares their opinions. One day when Emma was little I said some things to her that didn’t need saying. Roddy revealed to me a truth that I wish I had known 20 years sooner. He said, “You know you don’t have to say everything you think.” Really? I didn’t know that! I’m so glad he told me.
You see if someone had taken the time to figure out, or help me figure, out that my spiritual gift is prophesy and that it is engrained in my very makeup to tell the truth about life or anything else and had helped me learn a long time ago to speak the truth in love, everyone would have been a lot better off. You can do this for your children. Study them. We all have positives and negatives to our particular characteristics. Ask God to show you how to bring out the positive in your children. How to use the way He made them for His glory. A bossy child can be taught how to be a leader. A strong-willed kid has strong convictions. We are to give the right convictions. Letter from Cece…
Now, the best place for your kids to practice loving others is at home.
Sibling Rivalry is not just a phase of life to be accepted as normal with the hope that it will go away. Children should be just as loving, kind and respectful of each other as you would have them be to their great grandmother. There are a couple of verses that are key when dealing with sibling relationships. Matthew 7:12 So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, and Matthew 22:39b “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Your child’s closest neighbor is their sibling. Almost any dispute or trouble that arises between siblings can be addressed with these two verses. Now there are plenty of other verses but these can cover a lot. When there’s a dispute between them ask them if they are treating each other the way they want to be treated or if they are they showing love to each other.
Letting them work it out…results in the one who is bigger or a better talker winning. Doesn’t teach them to love each other. We need to teach them that.
I used to think I needed to send my kids to school to give them a break from each other so they’d get along better. I’ve learned I just need to teach them to get along better.
Two of our boys were having a hard time getting along with each other. The younger one is not as easy to get along with and the older one would egg him on or just avoid playing with him. I asked the older one if he would want his big brother to treat him the way he was treating his little brother. I also appealed to him on the basis on love. I told him how his little brother looked up to him and loved him and just wanted him to love him back. We prayed together often for his younger brother. I would ask him in the mornings what he could do to show love to him that day. I also corrected the younger one when he was selfish and worked with him to show love to his big brother.
If your children tend to argue back and forth over trying to make their point, ask them if it’s better to be kind or to be right.
We already talked about role-playing to teach your kids how to share but let’s say you’re children are fighting over a toy. Our first instinct is to just say, “Who had it first? Give it back!” and move on. Instead, ask each child, “Who are you putting first?” Of course, they are each putting themselves first. But Philippians 2:4 says, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” I Corinthians 10:24 “Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.” So ask them how they can put the other person first.
What if one child has been playing with a toy and left the room for a minute only to come back to find that another child is now playing with that toy? Instruct the first child how to ask for it back in a calm, polite manner. “I was still playing with that, can I have it back please?” And the second child must give it back and can ask, “Can I have it when you’re finished.” A great thing to teach them is if they know someone was playing with a toy and they put it down, they should ask if they are finished with it before swooping in and taking it.
Teach how to ask to use something that belongs to someone else. What we tell our kids is if they get something for their birthday or Christmas, it is theirs for the day and the others shouldn’t even ask to play with it. After that a sibling must ask to play with someone else’s toy to show respect but the one the toy belongs to should always let them play with it – unless they are actually currently playing with it. Then they can say, “When I’m done with it, I’ll give it to you.”
Teach them how to ask each other to stop doing something. They shouldn’t be allowed to use an unloving tone like: “Stop it!” They should say, “Will you stop, please?” And the other person should respect that request and stop immediately.
Do not allow them to yell at each other or use unkind words or tones with each other. If they do, correct them and help them use the right words in the right way. If one child is having a problem with doing this on a regular basis, like our 3 year old, we spank for it until it greatly improves.
We also spank for hitting, biting, throwing something at the sibling in anger, or name calling.
Teach them how to apologize and to forgive. The earlier you start the better. When an apology is given it should be sincere and not just, “I’m sorry.” It should be, “I’m sorry for…” The other should say, “I forgive you.” And hugs and kisses given. Do not allow a bad attitude to linger.
Teach how to react to an offense. Let’s say a sibling calls another sibling a name or was unkind or hit. Teach them that people hit Jesus. They spit on Him and they called Him all kinds of names but he never hit back or yelled back or became angry with them. I Peter 2:23 When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. 1 Corinthians 4:12 says, “When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly.” Ask you kids how they can be kind back to the one who was unkind to them. Then be sure to talk to the one who was unkind and have them make things right.
If our kids are having an unusually hard time getting along with each other, I’ll call them all in, line them up. Then I’ll have each one take turns looking at each of the other siblings, smiling at them and saying I love you. Then they have to give a hug and kiss to each other.
On birthdays, we go around and each of us takes turns saying what we like most about the birthday boy or girl. You can do this any day. It helps build an appreciation for each other. God puts us in families so we can learn how to relate to different personalities. I did not grow up with an appreciation for my siblings’ differences. So it’s important to me that we talk about how God makes us all different for important reasons. How would every thing get done if we were all good at the same thing. We are each gifted to serve God differently. How boring would it be if we were all the same?
Talk to them about how lucky they are to have brothers or sisters. Not everyone gets to have a brother or sister, right Shelley? Talk about how God picked each person to be a part of your family and families are very special. Proverbs says “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Tell them friends will come and go but brothers and sisters are forever. We teach our kids to always put their siblings before friends or even extended family members like cousins that they think are so cool. This means when they’re playing with others they aren’t allowed to leave their siblings out. If someone says to your daughter, “Let’s not play with the boys” or they say, “No boys allowed” Or visa versa. Teach your kids to say, “No thanks, I don’t want to leave them out.” Also – girls are not yucky nor are boys!
Competition – Teach them how to be good winners and losers. We are happy for the winner and always say congratulations. The winner can’t be overly in your face “I won, I won!!!” Pouting is not allowing when they lose. They should understand that if they always won that would never give anyone else a chance to win. How fun would that be for them if they never won?
They should help each other with whatever they can. Older ones can help younger ones get dressed or put their shoes on. If one is able to cut an apple or slice bread they should do that for those who can’t. Send little ones to ask the bigger ones for help sometimes. Let those who can read, read to siblings. Older ones can help give younger ones baths. This is a big time saver.
Ask them at breakfast what they can do to serve or show love to each other during the day. Encourage them to surprise their sibling by doing a chore for them.
Role-play situations that come up often that you would like to change. Show them the wrong way and the right way. Then have them do it the right way – several times. (Getting in or out of the car)
Teach your kids to look out for each other and protect each other. Boys should be taught to be gentlemen. Hold the door, help carry things, let the girls go first. Girls should be taught to be ladies. Show appreciation for brothers being gentlemen. Let younger brothers be leaders sometimes in making decisions about what they want to play.
There is no magic formula here for producing perfect children. Because they will never be perfect and neither will we. We are utterly dependent on God to guide us through every minute of our lives. We have got to ask Him for wisdom and He says He will give it generously. As long as we are on this earth, we all will sin. We can, however, teach our children that they have a King. A King who is kind and loving, just and patient, all powerful and all knowing, worthy of praise and worthy of fear. They need to know that when they disobey the King there will be consequences. At this age, the consequences will come from Mommy and Daddy. It’s our job to teach them right from wrong. Later in life, consequences for sin will come from God. There will also be blessings for obedience. God is a good King and does not give us commands that are too hard for us. He wants to live in us and there is fruit when we let Him take charge of our lives. Your children have the choice to obey or not – to choose consequences or blessings. But point them to their need for the Savior to help them obey. The Bible commands us to control our tongues and thoughts and other areas of our lives, but we can’t do it in our own strength. We and our children need Jesus!
We must model genuine love for God, for them and for others if we want them to do the same.
How do we love God? I John 5:3 "For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome." How do we know the commandments of God? Spending time with Him in prayer and studying His Word.
What about teaching our kids to love others? If we want our kids to love others, we have to show love to them in our words and deeds, with our attitudes and tones. That can be as simple as smiling at them. Be excited to see them, even after naptime when you’re not ready for them to be up yet. Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.” I’d like to add to that, with her own mouth tears it down.
Fill their love tanks by speaking their love language. Love them unconditionally. I can easily put performance over people. This is wrong. Perfect closets, good grades or all-star status means nothing in eternity. Paul says in 1 Cor 13 “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.”
Try to understand them. Romans 15:1 “We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves.” We need to be careful that our expectations are God’s expectations, first of all. Then when we are dealing with our children, practice patience and empathy. If they come to you with an opinion or talk to you about their feelings, don’t automatically correct them by saying, “Well that’s just silly, you shouldn’t worry about that.” They need to feel safe and accepted by you. If they don’t, there will be a time when they will look elsewhere to find acceptance. If you feel you need to talk to them about an issue, you may want to wait until another day. This goes for elementary aged kids and up.
Accept them. We should not compare our kids to their siblings or anyone else. God made your child exactly the way he is for a reason. Our job is not to criticize but help them bring out the strengths of their personalities, temperaments and gifts. Don’t label. They will live up the expectations you set for them. We have had to be very careful not to talk about Charlie in front of him or his siblings by saying he’s the hard one. I don’t want him to live up to that standard.
Growing up I was labeled “opinionated and outspoken.” So I lived up to that. I was rough and not very lady like. What I wasn’t taught was that everyone is opinionated, not everyone shares their opinions. One day when Emma was little I said some things to her that didn’t need saying. Roddy revealed to me a truth that I wish I had known 20 years sooner. He said, “You know you don’t have to say everything you think.” Really? I didn’t know that! I’m so glad he told me.
You see if someone had taken the time to figure out, or help me figure, out that my spiritual gift is prophesy and that it is engrained in my very makeup to tell the truth about life or anything else and had helped me learn a long time ago to speak the truth in love, everyone would have been a lot better off. You can do this for your children. Study them. We all have positives and negatives to our particular characteristics. Ask God to show you how to bring out the positive in your children. How to use the way He made them for His glory. A bossy child can be taught how to be a leader. A strong-willed kid has strong convictions. We are to give the right convictions. Letter from Cece…
Now, the best place for your kids to practice loving others is at home.
Sibling Rivalry is not just a phase of life to be accepted as normal with the hope that it will go away. Children should be just as loving, kind and respectful of each other as you would have them be to their great grandmother. There are a couple of verses that are key when dealing with sibling relationships. Matthew 7:12 So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, and Matthew 22:39b “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Your child’s closest neighbor is their sibling. Almost any dispute or trouble that arises between siblings can be addressed with these two verses. Now there are plenty of other verses but these can cover a lot. When there’s a dispute between them ask them if they are treating each other the way they want to be treated or if they are they showing love to each other.
Letting them work it out…results in the one who is bigger or a better talker winning. Doesn’t teach them to love each other. We need to teach them that.
I used to think I needed to send my kids to school to give them a break from each other so they’d get along better. I’ve learned I just need to teach them to get along better.
Two of our boys were having a hard time getting along with each other. The younger one is not as easy to get along with and the older one would egg him on or just avoid playing with him. I asked the older one if he would want his big brother to treat him the way he was treating his little brother. I also appealed to him on the basis on love. I told him how his little brother looked up to him and loved him and just wanted him to love him back. We prayed together often for his younger brother. I would ask him in the mornings what he could do to show love to him that day. I also corrected the younger one when he was selfish and worked with him to show love to his big brother.
If your children tend to argue back and forth over trying to make their point, ask them if it’s better to be kind or to be right.
We already talked about role-playing to teach your kids how to share but let’s say you’re children are fighting over a toy. Our first instinct is to just say, “Who had it first? Give it back!” and move on. Instead, ask each child, “Who are you putting first?” Of course, they are each putting themselves first. But Philippians 2:4 says, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” I Corinthians 10:24 “Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.” So ask them how they can put the other person first.
What if one child has been playing with a toy and left the room for a minute only to come back to find that another child is now playing with that toy? Instruct the first child how to ask for it back in a calm, polite manner. “I was still playing with that, can I have it back please?” And the second child must give it back and can ask, “Can I have it when you’re finished.” A great thing to teach them is if they know someone was playing with a toy and they put it down, they should ask if they are finished with it before swooping in and taking it.
Teach how to ask to use something that belongs to someone else. What we tell our kids is if they get something for their birthday or Christmas, it is theirs for the day and the others shouldn’t even ask to play with it. After that a sibling must ask to play with someone else’s toy to show respect but the one the toy belongs to should always let them play with it – unless they are actually currently playing with it. Then they can say, “When I’m done with it, I’ll give it to you.”
Teach them how to ask each other to stop doing something. They shouldn’t be allowed to use an unloving tone like: “Stop it!” They should say, “Will you stop, please?” And the other person should respect that request and stop immediately.
Do not allow them to yell at each other or use unkind words or tones with each other. If they do, correct them and help them use the right words in the right way. If one child is having a problem with doing this on a regular basis, like our 3 year old, we spank for it until it greatly improves.
We also spank for hitting, biting, throwing something at the sibling in anger, or name calling.
Teach them how to apologize and to forgive. The earlier you start the better. When an apology is given it should be sincere and not just, “I’m sorry.” It should be, “I’m sorry for…” The other should say, “I forgive you.” And hugs and kisses given. Do not allow a bad attitude to linger.
Teach how to react to an offense. Let’s say a sibling calls another sibling a name or was unkind or hit. Teach them that people hit Jesus. They spit on Him and they called Him all kinds of names but he never hit back or yelled back or became angry with them. I Peter 2:23 When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. 1 Corinthians 4:12 says, “When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly.” Ask you kids how they can be kind back to the one who was unkind to them. Then be sure to talk to the one who was unkind and have them make things right.
If our kids are having an unusually hard time getting along with each other, I’ll call them all in, line them up. Then I’ll have each one take turns looking at each of the other siblings, smiling at them and saying I love you. Then they have to give a hug and kiss to each other.
On birthdays, we go around and each of us takes turns saying what we like most about the birthday boy or girl. You can do this any day. It helps build an appreciation for each other. God puts us in families so we can learn how to relate to different personalities. I did not grow up with an appreciation for my siblings’ differences. So it’s important to me that we talk about how God makes us all different for important reasons. How would every thing get done if we were all good at the same thing. We are each gifted to serve God differently. How boring would it be if we were all the same?
Talk to them about how lucky they are to have brothers or sisters. Not everyone gets to have a brother or sister, right Shelley? Talk about how God picked each person to be a part of your family and families are very special. Proverbs says “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Tell them friends will come and go but brothers and sisters are forever. We teach our kids to always put their siblings before friends or even extended family members like cousins that they think are so cool. This means when they’re playing with others they aren’t allowed to leave their siblings out. If someone says to your daughter, “Let’s not play with the boys” or they say, “No boys allowed” Or visa versa. Teach your kids to say, “No thanks, I don’t want to leave them out.” Also – girls are not yucky nor are boys!
Competition – Teach them how to be good winners and losers. We are happy for the winner and always say congratulations. The winner can’t be overly in your face “I won, I won!!!” Pouting is not allowing when they lose. They should understand that if they always won that would never give anyone else a chance to win. How fun would that be for them if they never won?
They should help each other with whatever they can. Older ones can help younger ones get dressed or put their shoes on. If one is able to cut an apple or slice bread they should do that for those who can’t. Send little ones to ask the bigger ones for help sometimes. Let those who can read, read to siblings. Older ones can help give younger ones baths. This is a big time saver.
Ask them at breakfast what they can do to serve or show love to each other during the day. Encourage them to surprise their sibling by doing a chore for them.
Role-play situations that come up often that you would like to change. Show them the wrong way and the right way. Then have them do it the right way – several times. (Getting in or out of the car)
Teach your kids to look out for each other and protect each other. Boys should be taught to be gentlemen. Hold the door, help carry things, let the girls go first. Girls should be taught to be ladies. Show appreciation for brothers being gentlemen. Let younger brothers be leaders sometimes in making decisions about what they want to play.
There is no magic formula here for producing perfect children. Because they will never be perfect and neither will we. We are utterly dependent on God to guide us through every minute of our lives. We have got to ask Him for wisdom and He says He will give it generously. As long as we are on this earth, we all will sin. We can, however, teach our children that they have a King. A King who is kind and loving, just and patient, all powerful and all knowing, worthy of praise and worthy of fear. They need to know that when they disobey the King there will be consequences. At this age, the consequences will come from Mommy and Daddy. It’s our job to teach them right from wrong. Later in life, consequences for sin will come from God. There will also be blessings for obedience. God is a good King and does not give us commands that are too hard for us. He wants to live in us and there is fruit when we let Him take charge of our lives. Your children have the choice to obey or not – to choose consequences or blessings. But point them to their need for the Savior to help them obey. The Bible commands us to control our tongues and thoughts and other areas of our lives, but we can’t do it in our own strength. We and our children need Jesus!
Books We Recommend Reading with Your Kids
Wisdom and the Millers
Prudence and the Millers
Storytime with the Millers
School Days with the Millers
Betty's Secret and Other Stories
- rodandstaffbooks.com
The Original 21Rules of This House
Rules for Young Friends
Uncommon Courtesy for Kids
- by Gregg and Josh Harris - buy.com; amazon.com
The Princess and The Kiss
The Squire and The Scroll
Both have devotionals to go with them
- by Jennie Bishop - http://purityworks.org/store.php ; buy.com; amazon.com
Honor Your Father and Mother
- doorposts.net
Prudence and the Millers
Storytime with the Millers
School Days with the Millers
Betty's Secret and Other Stories
- rodandstaffbooks.com
The Original 21Rules of This House
Rules for Young Friends
Uncommon Courtesy for Kids
- by Gregg and Josh Harris - buy.com; amazon.com
The Princess and The Kiss
The Squire and The Scroll
Both have devotionals to go with them
- by Jennie Bishop - http://purityworks.org/store.php ; buy.com; amazon.com
Honor Your Father and Mother
- doorposts.net
Instructing Our Children in Righteousness (week 6)
Over the past few weeks we’ve talked about discipline and training. We’ve seen what the Bible says about discipline and when to use it. We’ve learned that “training” can give our children a “way of escape” and reduce the amount of discipline needed. Another responsibility we have as parents is teaching our children about God and His word. Paul wrote to fathers in Ephesians 6:4 saying, …do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
In the book of Deuteronomy we read about Moses giving the Israelites the 10 commandments. Then in chapter 6, verses 5-9 Moses says, “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”
Let’s look at these verses again:
Verse 5, we are to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul and strength. Jesus told us in Matthew 22:37-38 that this is the first and greatest commandment. Do you love Him? If you don’t, maybe you don’t know Him well enough. Because the more you know Him, the more you love Him. One way to get to know Him is through His Word. Are you making time in His Word a priority? Knowing God, His love for us, and what He expects of us is more important than food, money, sleep, or any other relationship! We need to fill our hearts with Him so that out of the overflow we speak and act accordingly.
If you want to pass on an authentic faith to your kids, a faith that will become theirs you can’t just talk about it, you’re going to have to live it. Kids raised in church are going their own way as young adults because they see the hypocrisy of their parents at home. Are you relying on God alone to meet your physical, spiritual and emotional needs? Do you tell your kids not to be afraid and to trust God at bedtime but they overhear you worrying about how you’re going to pay the bills. Do you tell them to be kind to each other but they overhear you badmouthing your spouse? I’m not saying “be perfect”. We certainly fail in many ways. But strive to be like Christ. And when you do fail, apologize. Admit you own sins. Be real to them. They need to see that you need the Savior as much as they do. And for goodness sake have compassion when they sin. They need discipline not condemnation.
Verse 6, tells us the commandments are to be upon our hearts. Colossians 3:16 says, Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom. If we’re in the Word and we’re meditating on it and memorizing it, His commands will be in our hearts and we’ll be better able to minister to our children.
Do you want them to understand how important God is but you’re so busy running here, there and everywhere that you don’t have time for Him or time to talk to your children about Him. We so take for granted every breath we breathe. The only reason we’re here is because God allowed us another day. How have you thanked Him? Or how have you encouraged your kids to thank Him for everything they have?
Verse 7, we are to teach God’s Word to our children. These verses aren’t talking to Sunday School teachers or Christian School teachers. We are to diligently teach God’s Word to our children. Heb 4:12 says, For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And 2 Tim 3:16-17: All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, 17that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.
At an early age, that’s simply telling them God loves them, God made everything, Jesus is God’s son. It’s also teaching them to honor and obey you. As they get older, we teach them how to live out God’s commandments in daily life; to do as Jesus said in Mark ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart …soul … mind and …strength.'…and… 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'. Teach them all the words of Jesus. If you don’t know where to begin or what to begin with, start with the red print in the New Testament. I also brought some of the books and things that we use with our kids. (Show Miller and 21 Rules.) In your quiet time, if you read a Proverb a day, after you’ve asked God to speak to you, ask Him to show you something to share with the kids. The Bible is not just written for adults. There is no Junior version of it for our kids. They can apply verses to their lives as much as we can.
So when do we make these verses happen in our lives? According to Deuteronomy we should be teaching our kids every day, all day! It needs to be part of our everyday life, everyday conversations. Verse 7 says, When you sit at home: at the dinner table – talk about how manners show love to their neighbor, reading books on the couch – even if it’s not a Bible story ex)Scuffy. Try to have a scheduled Bible time each day in addition to impromptu teaching. During this time, you could teach them the books of the Bible. I taught the kids by saying 2 books at a time and having them repeat after me. Read a story straight out of the Bible or read a Bible story book. Pick a verse to memorize for the week.
When you walk by the way: for us today, that may be in the car on the way to school or to the dreaded grocery store J. It may be taking a walk around the neighborhood. One day I took the older kids for a walk. Each one of us took turns being the leader. We talked about what it meant to be a leader; what a leader should be like and how we can lead others and be examples.
When you lie down: when you put the kids to bed at night talk about how God blessed their day, pray with them; if they struggle with fear as kids often do, give them a Bible with verses on fear marked or print up as many as you can and read them to them.
When you rise: give God the first part of your day, let the kids see you doing this (train them not to disturb you. Have Bible story books nearby for them to look at while you have your time.). Also as you start your day at the breakfast table, you could take prayer requests for the day or week. Keep a notebook in the pantry with the requests listed so you can look back and talk about how God answered them. One of Gray’s prayer requests was that we would find a snake. So when we caught a snake out in the woods, I made sure to point out that God answered his prayer. You could use breakfast time to review memory verses.
Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates: print verses like “Be kind to one another” Eph 4:32; “Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.” I Cor 10:24. Put them on the playroom walls; if your child is struggling with something find a verse that addresses the issue and post it on their door or above their bed. Then when you see it, you can pray that scripture for them.
Be purposeful. And ask yourself, “Can anyone come in and do what I do?” A maid can clean the house and do laundry; a taxi driver can drive them here and there; a nurse can put on a bandage. But God gave you the children you have because he wanted you to train them in godliness. We need to know their needs – not just physical, but spiritual as well. Ask God to make you aware of any and all opportunities to instruct your children in righteousness.
Don’t just talk, ask questions. Find out what they think or how they feel. We want our kids to be able to talk to us about anything. So if they share an opinion about something that you disagree with and feel it’s an area you need to address, maybe wait to talk about it another day instead of instantly correcting them.
In the book of Deuteronomy we read about Moses giving the Israelites the 10 commandments. Then in chapter 6, verses 5-9 Moses says, “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”
Let’s look at these verses again:
Verse 5, we are to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul and strength. Jesus told us in Matthew 22:37-38 that this is the first and greatest commandment. Do you love Him? If you don’t, maybe you don’t know Him well enough. Because the more you know Him, the more you love Him. One way to get to know Him is through His Word. Are you making time in His Word a priority? Knowing God, His love for us, and what He expects of us is more important than food, money, sleep, or any other relationship! We need to fill our hearts with Him so that out of the overflow we speak and act accordingly.
If you want to pass on an authentic faith to your kids, a faith that will become theirs you can’t just talk about it, you’re going to have to live it. Kids raised in church are going their own way as young adults because they see the hypocrisy of their parents at home. Are you relying on God alone to meet your physical, spiritual and emotional needs? Do you tell your kids not to be afraid and to trust God at bedtime but they overhear you worrying about how you’re going to pay the bills. Do you tell them to be kind to each other but they overhear you badmouthing your spouse? I’m not saying “be perfect”. We certainly fail in many ways. But strive to be like Christ. And when you do fail, apologize. Admit you own sins. Be real to them. They need to see that you need the Savior as much as they do. And for goodness sake have compassion when they sin. They need discipline not condemnation.
Verse 6, tells us the commandments are to be upon our hearts. Colossians 3:16 says, Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom. If we’re in the Word and we’re meditating on it and memorizing it, His commands will be in our hearts and we’ll be better able to minister to our children.
Do you want them to understand how important God is but you’re so busy running here, there and everywhere that you don’t have time for Him or time to talk to your children about Him. We so take for granted every breath we breathe. The only reason we’re here is because God allowed us another day. How have you thanked Him? Or how have you encouraged your kids to thank Him for everything they have?
Verse 7, we are to teach God’s Word to our children. These verses aren’t talking to Sunday School teachers or Christian School teachers. We are to diligently teach God’s Word to our children. Heb 4:12 says, For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And 2 Tim 3:16-17: All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, 17that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.
At an early age, that’s simply telling them God loves them, God made everything, Jesus is God’s son. It’s also teaching them to honor and obey you. As they get older, we teach them how to live out God’s commandments in daily life; to do as Jesus said in Mark ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart …soul … mind and …strength.'…and… 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'. Teach them all the words of Jesus. If you don’t know where to begin or what to begin with, start with the red print in the New Testament. I also brought some of the books and things that we use with our kids. (Show Miller and 21 Rules.) In your quiet time, if you read a Proverb a day, after you’ve asked God to speak to you, ask Him to show you something to share with the kids. The Bible is not just written for adults. There is no Junior version of it for our kids. They can apply verses to their lives as much as we can.
So when do we make these verses happen in our lives? According to Deuteronomy we should be teaching our kids every day, all day! It needs to be part of our everyday life, everyday conversations. Verse 7 says, When you sit at home: at the dinner table – talk about how manners show love to their neighbor, reading books on the couch – even if it’s not a Bible story ex)Scuffy. Try to have a scheduled Bible time each day in addition to impromptu teaching. During this time, you could teach them the books of the Bible. I taught the kids by saying 2 books at a time and having them repeat after me. Read a story straight out of the Bible or read a Bible story book. Pick a verse to memorize for the week.
When you walk by the way: for us today, that may be in the car on the way to school or to the dreaded grocery store J. It may be taking a walk around the neighborhood. One day I took the older kids for a walk. Each one of us took turns being the leader. We talked about what it meant to be a leader; what a leader should be like and how we can lead others and be examples.
When you lie down: when you put the kids to bed at night talk about how God blessed their day, pray with them; if they struggle with fear as kids often do, give them a Bible with verses on fear marked or print up as many as you can and read them to them.
When you rise: give God the first part of your day, let the kids see you doing this (train them not to disturb you. Have Bible story books nearby for them to look at while you have your time.). Also as you start your day at the breakfast table, you could take prayer requests for the day or week. Keep a notebook in the pantry with the requests listed so you can look back and talk about how God answered them. One of Gray’s prayer requests was that we would find a snake. So when we caught a snake out in the woods, I made sure to point out that God answered his prayer. You could use breakfast time to review memory verses.
Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates: print verses like “Be kind to one another” Eph 4:32; “Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.” I Cor 10:24. Put them on the playroom walls; if your child is struggling with something find a verse that addresses the issue and post it on their door or above their bed. Then when you see it, you can pray that scripture for them.
Be purposeful. And ask yourself, “Can anyone come in and do what I do?” A maid can clean the house and do laundry; a taxi driver can drive them here and there; a nurse can put on a bandage. But God gave you the children you have because he wanted you to train them in godliness. We need to know their needs – not just physical, but spiritual as well. Ask God to make you aware of any and all opportunities to instruct your children in righteousness.
Don’t just talk, ask questions. Find out what they think or how they feel. We want our kids to be able to talk to us about anything. So if they share an opinion about something that you disagree with and feel it’s an area you need to address, maybe wait to talk about it another day instead of instantly correcting them.
Verses for week 6
Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Deuteronomy 6:5-9
You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
Matthew 22:37-38
And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment.
Colossians 3:16
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.
Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
2 Timothy 3:16-17
All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Deuteronomy 6:5-9
You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
Matthew 22:37-38
And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment.
Colossians 3:16
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.
Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
2 Timothy 3:16-17
All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.
Fostering Self-indulgence, Getting to the Heart, Priorities (week 5)
We want to reiterate the importance of consistency. Be sure your children know what to expect from you. Don’t keep them guessing whether or not you mean what you say. It’s really not fair to them.
Let’s say you are consistent with discipline and yet you haven’t seen a real change. You may, unknowingly, be strengthening your child’s will in other ways. Reb is very thorough in listing those ways in Chapter 6. He says that we can foster self-indulgence in our children by:
1. Removing many of life’s obstacles and unpleasant circumstances. For instance:
a. Not making them wait
b. Allowing them to interrupt conversations. This tells them they are the center of the universe and no one else matters. Allow interruptions for emergencies only – in our house that’s if someone is dying, bleeding or throwing up.
c. Running to them whenever they call. Instead, if they call you, tell them where you are and let them come to you.
d. Allowing them to complain about food, cutting off their crusts and peeling their apples because they don’t like it. We tell them its part of the bread or apple and they can eat it.
e. Not allowing your kids to experience disappointment. It’s okay to feel disappointment but if we let our kids wallow in it, we’re not teaching them self-control. Be sympathetic but move on.
f. Doing everything for them – tie their shoes, get their water, clean up their messes. Teach them how to do simple things on their own and encourage that responsibility. If they can do it for themselves, they shouldn’t expect you to do it for them.
g. Allowing them to pout or complain or be anti-social if there are kids over that aren’t in their preferred age range. Teach your kids to be good hosts and hostesses no matter who is over.
2. Feeding their appetites for pleasure:
a. Just because we have the means to indulge our children, doesn’t mean we should.
b. Don’t feel the need to give you kids all the latest toys or whatever all their friends have. Allow them to do without – plenty of children do and it builds character.
c. Be sure to teach them to ask for something by saying “May I please” instead of “I want” and don’t allow whining when making requests either.
3. Allowing unrestrained self-expression and venting of passions – which would include whining, yelling, complaining, fits, pouting, etc. Psychologists say, “Get it out. Vent. Let loose. Hit a pillow or punching bag.” No where in the Bible is this taught. Instead, we are taught
Be angry and sin not
Let no corrupting talk come out of our mouths
Be kind to one another
Be imitators of God
Walk in love
Live in peace
Do all things without grumbling or questioning
Proverbs tells us Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding...and When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.
Colossians 3:14 says to put on love which binds everything together in perfect unity.
Verse 17 says “And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” We can’t do a lot of venting or self-expression if “we’re doing everything in the name of the Lord”
4. Allowing them to have a say in family decisions when young – like where to go out to eat, where to vacation, what recreational activities they will be involved in, what music will be listened to in the car. Instead let them learn to cooperate with your leadership and decision making.
5. Allowing them to make too many personal decisions too young – what to wear, which plate they want to eat from, which cup they want, where they want to sit, which book to read. (Example of a day – from Reb)In a child’s world, decisions that we see as insignificant, are big to them. When your child complains about a decision you’ve made, it’s a clear sign that they have had too much freedom in that area and are not willing to submit to your authority. As a child proves to be obedient and responsible, then they should be given (funnel) more of these freedoms.
6. Tolerating partial obedience
a. you tell them to sit in the chair and you settle for a squat.
b. you ask them to put something away and they put it in the room where it belongs but not in its place.
c. you call them and they come – eventually
7. Inconsistency with discipline. This will not only frustrate your children, it will give them permission not to obey every time you speak. You’ll leave them guessing whether they are really allowed to do something or not. If you have rules that you forget easily, write them down.
We should understand that behavior is just an outward expression of the heart. Luke 6:44-46 “for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks."
So don’t just look at your child’s behavior. Think of their wrong behavior like a check engine light. It means something is wrong under the hood – in their heart. Seek to find out what is going on inside. The resource we showed you last week from Ginger Plowman is a great way to get you started with this. She says it is not our job to judge our children’s hearts but to help them discern whether their actions were right or wrong. Based on Ephesians 4, she writes, “Parents need to reprove their children of sinful behavior and encourage them in righteous behavior.” Your children should understand that it’s not just the behavior you want to correct, it’s the sin in their hearts that needs to be changed. Remember it is absolutely natural for your child to sin. So don’t take their actions personally. Look at their sin as opportunity to train them in godliness.
What I’m about to read came from a website of a mother of 10. “When you observe your child, do you observe his actions or his spirit? Do you only notice whether he is keeping the rules you have given him, or do you also notice the attitude with which he is keeping (or not keeping) them? Do you focus solely on whether he is obeying your exact words, or are you also focusing on his heart as he obeys or disobeys your words?
We often notice a disagreeable action first. It catches our attention, and if we are diligent parents, we make moves to correct the bad behavior. That's wonderful, but if that's all we do, we may eventually find ourselves with children who obey outwardly, but whose hearts are not right and pure inside. They may appear on the surface to be godly, but it will not be in their hearts. Eventually, perhaps years down the road, the thoughts in their hearts will surface, and their indifference toward God will begin to show in their actions.
Actions are important, but what goes on inside your child is far more important. …we need to train ourselves to immediately see not only the action that caught our attention, but also the underlying spirit that motivated it. What we as parents should be aiming at is correcting and improving our children's character - training them in godliness. Without reading and training their spirits, we will not succeed in raising godly adults who will love and serve God with their whole hearts.”
I want you to think about goals that you have set for yourself in the past. Maybe you set a goal to spend less and save more. Or you set a goal to get in shape and/or lose weight. When you set a goal, you normally filter your decisions through the strainer of “Will this accomplish my goal?” So let’s say you’ve decided you are going lose 10 pounds. Every time you go to eat something, don’t you think, “Hmm, is this going to help me achieve my goal, or will this ambush it?” Or perhaps, “Is sitting here on the couch going to burn off that 10 pounds? Or should I get up and go for a walk?” It’s the same with our goals for our family. We should have the goal to train our children to spiritual maturity – self-control, wisdom and responsibility - so that they will better be able to really love God and others.
That means we’re going to have to filter our parenting decisions through that goal. “Will ignoring this fit train them in self-control?” “Will allowing disobedience to our authority teach them how to submit to God’s authority?” “Will sitting here hoping the situation will go away really make it go away?” "Will my actions, or lack thereof, produce a harvest of righteousness in the life of my child?”
This quote comes from Richard Fugate’s Book “What the Bible Says About Child Training.”
“Controlling a child is an expression of parental love – true concern for the benefit of the child. True love will require a personal sacrifice on the part of the parents.” “They must be willing to face the inevitable conflict that occurs when the child must be confronted with his disobedience. The sacrifice involved in controlling a child also includes the instant handling of unplanned interruptions into the parents’ [lives]. These interruptions often interfere with what the parents want or need to do. Therefore, loving parents must be more concerned with doing what will best benefit the child rather than what they would like to do to benefit themselves.”
It is easy to get distracted from our goal.
We think we have something better to do with our time. We have jobs and sports and clubs and even ministries pulling us away from our families. For a long time I felt the pull to serve. Before I had children, I looked forward to the day when I could devote time to working at the Pregnancy Center or at a homeless shelter. We even said at one point that we wanted to stop having kids so we could go on mission trips. And while those things are admirable and important, at this season in my life, I am called to be a mother. My children are my ministry. I am raising warriors. So, I have finally learned to be content in this ministry and not just content, I love it. There may be a time in my life when I serve outside my home but if it takes away from my family, it will have to wait.
On a daily level, we think we have to get the laundry and dishes done, or finish that project in the guest room and we neglect so many opportunities to teach and correct our children in love. Or maybe you’re overly involved in extracurricular activities. You’re in a hurry all the time because you’re overcommitted and you can’t stop now for discipline. You’ll deal with it later. We can be distracted by climbing the corporate ladder, or keeping up with the Joneses. Proverbs (22:1) says “A good name is more desirable than great riches…” As parents, we have nothing better to do than train up our children.
I Corinthians (6:12) says, “All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful… and (10:23) says, “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up.
We have to decide if how we spend our time is merely permissible or is it actually helpful and beneficial?
Think about this, “The value of anything is in the price it pays in eternity.”
We want to give our children the gifts of self-control, wisdom and responsibility. Don’t be upset when your child sins. It would be unnatural for them not to. Look at is an opportunity to grow in patience and perseverance on your part and an opportunity to train them in righteousness on their part. When you feel the irritation creeping in as you get up yet one more time to deal with yet another situation, smile, thank God for your child and cheerfully say, “Yea, another training opportunity!” We’ve found it helps us lighten up if we do a little dance on the way. Make up a little cheer that will remind you that you have nothing better to do than train up warriors for Christ. They will thank us one day. And if they don’t, God will.
Let’s say you are consistent with discipline and yet you haven’t seen a real change. You may, unknowingly, be strengthening your child’s will in other ways. Reb is very thorough in listing those ways in Chapter 6. He says that we can foster self-indulgence in our children by:
1. Removing many of life’s obstacles and unpleasant circumstances. For instance:
a. Not making them wait
b. Allowing them to interrupt conversations. This tells them they are the center of the universe and no one else matters. Allow interruptions for emergencies only – in our house that’s if someone is dying, bleeding or throwing up.
c. Running to them whenever they call. Instead, if they call you, tell them where you are and let them come to you.
d. Allowing them to complain about food, cutting off their crusts and peeling their apples because they don’t like it. We tell them its part of the bread or apple and they can eat it.
e. Not allowing your kids to experience disappointment. It’s okay to feel disappointment but if we let our kids wallow in it, we’re not teaching them self-control. Be sympathetic but move on.
f. Doing everything for them – tie their shoes, get their water, clean up their messes. Teach them how to do simple things on their own and encourage that responsibility. If they can do it for themselves, they shouldn’t expect you to do it for them.
g. Allowing them to pout or complain or be anti-social if there are kids over that aren’t in their preferred age range. Teach your kids to be good hosts and hostesses no matter who is over.
2. Feeding their appetites for pleasure:
a. Just because we have the means to indulge our children, doesn’t mean we should.
b. Don’t feel the need to give you kids all the latest toys or whatever all their friends have. Allow them to do without – plenty of children do and it builds character.
c. Be sure to teach them to ask for something by saying “May I please” instead of “I want” and don’t allow whining when making requests either.
3. Allowing unrestrained self-expression and venting of passions – which would include whining, yelling, complaining, fits, pouting, etc. Psychologists say, “Get it out. Vent. Let loose. Hit a pillow or punching bag.” No where in the Bible is this taught. Instead, we are taught
Be angry and sin not
Let no corrupting talk come out of our mouths
Be kind to one another
Be imitators of God
Walk in love
Live in peace
Do all things without grumbling or questioning
Proverbs tells us Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding...and When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.
Colossians 3:14 says to put on love which binds everything together in perfect unity.
Verse 17 says “And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” We can’t do a lot of venting or self-expression if “we’re doing everything in the name of the Lord”
4. Allowing them to have a say in family decisions when young – like where to go out to eat, where to vacation, what recreational activities they will be involved in, what music will be listened to in the car. Instead let them learn to cooperate with your leadership and decision making.
5. Allowing them to make too many personal decisions too young – what to wear, which plate they want to eat from, which cup they want, where they want to sit, which book to read. (Example of a day – from Reb)In a child’s world, decisions that we see as insignificant, are big to them. When your child complains about a decision you’ve made, it’s a clear sign that they have had too much freedom in that area and are not willing to submit to your authority. As a child proves to be obedient and responsible, then they should be given (funnel) more of these freedoms.
6. Tolerating partial obedience
a. you tell them to sit in the chair and you settle for a squat.
b. you ask them to put something away and they put it in the room where it belongs but not in its place.
c. you call them and they come – eventually
7. Inconsistency with discipline. This will not only frustrate your children, it will give them permission not to obey every time you speak. You’ll leave them guessing whether they are really allowed to do something or not. If you have rules that you forget easily, write them down.
We should understand that behavior is just an outward expression of the heart. Luke 6:44-46 “for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks."
So don’t just look at your child’s behavior. Think of their wrong behavior like a check engine light. It means something is wrong under the hood – in their heart. Seek to find out what is going on inside. The resource we showed you last week from Ginger Plowman is a great way to get you started with this. She says it is not our job to judge our children’s hearts but to help them discern whether their actions were right or wrong. Based on Ephesians 4, she writes, “Parents need to reprove their children of sinful behavior and encourage them in righteous behavior.” Your children should understand that it’s not just the behavior you want to correct, it’s the sin in their hearts that needs to be changed. Remember it is absolutely natural for your child to sin. So don’t take their actions personally. Look at their sin as opportunity to train them in godliness.
What I’m about to read came from a website of a mother of 10. “When you observe your child, do you observe his actions or his spirit? Do you only notice whether he is keeping the rules you have given him, or do you also notice the attitude with which he is keeping (or not keeping) them? Do you focus solely on whether he is obeying your exact words, or are you also focusing on his heart as he obeys or disobeys your words?
We often notice a disagreeable action first. It catches our attention, and if we are diligent parents, we make moves to correct the bad behavior. That's wonderful, but if that's all we do, we may eventually find ourselves with children who obey outwardly, but whose hearts are not right and pure inside. They may appear on the surface to be godly, but it will not be in their hearts. Eventually, perhaps years down the road, the thoughts in their hearts will surface, and their indifference toward God will begin to show in their actions.
Actions are important, but what goes on inside your child is far more important. …we need to train ourselves to immediately see not only the action that caught our attention, but also the underlying spirit that motivated it. What we as parents should be aiming at is correcting and improving our children's character - training them in godliness. Without reading and training their spirits, we will not succeed in raising godly adults who will love and serve God with their whole hearts.”
I want you to think about goals that you have set for yourself in the past. Maybe you set a goal to spend less and save more. Or you set a goal to get in shape and/or lose weight. When you set a goal, you normally filter your decisions through the strainer of “Will this accomplish my goal?” So let’s say you’ve decided you are going lose 10 pounds. Every time you go to eat something, don’t you think, “Hmm, is this going to help me achieve my goal, or will this ambush it?” Or perhaps, “Is sitting here on the couch going to burn off that 10 pounds? Or should I get up and go for a walk?” It’s the same with our goals for our family. We should have the goal to train our children to spiritual maturity – self-control, wisdom and responsibility - so that they will better be able to really love God and others.
That means we’re going to have to filter our parenting decisions through that goal. “Will ignoring this fit train them in self-control?” “Will allowing disobedience to our authority teach them how to submit to God’s authority?” “Will sitting here hoping the situation will go away really make it go away?” "Will my actions, or lack thereof, produce a harvest of righteousness in the life of my child?”
This quote comes from Richard Fugate’s Book “What the Bible Says About Child Training.”
“Controlling a child is an expression of parental love – true concern for the benefit of the child. True love will require a personal sacrifice on the part of the parents.” “They must be willing to face the inevitable conflict that occurs when the child must be confronted with his disobedience. The sacrifice involved in controlling a child also includes the instant handling of unplanned interruptions into the parents’ [lives]. These interruptions often interfere with what the parents want or need to do. Therefore, loving parents must be more concerned with doing what will best benefit the child rather than what they would like to do to benefit themselves.”
It is easy to get distracted from our goal.
We think we have something better to do with our time. We have jobs and sports and clubs and even ministries pulling us away from our families. For a long time I felt the pull to serve. Before I had children, I looked forward to the day when I could devote time to working at the Pregnancy Center or at a homeless shelter. We even said at one point that we wanted to stop having kids so we could go on mission trips. And while those things are admirable and important, at this season in my life, I am called to be a mother. My children are my ministry. I am raising warriors. So, I have finally learned to be content in this ministry and not just content, I love it. There may be a time in my life when I serve outside my home but if it takes away from my family, it will have to wait.
On a daily level, we think we have to get the laundry and dishes done, or finish that project in the guest room and we neglect so many opportunities to teach and correct our children in love. Or maybe you’re overly involved in extracurricular activities. You’re in a hurry all the time because you’re overcommitted and you can’t stop now for discipline. You’ll deal with it later. We can be distracted by climbing the corporate ladder, or keeping up with the Joneses. Proverbs (22:1) says “A good name is more desirable than great riches…” As parents, we have nothing better to do than train up our children.
I Corinthians (6:12) says, “All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful… and (10:23) says, “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up.
We have to decide if how we spend our time is merely permissible or is it actually helpful and beneficial?
Think about this, “The value of anything is in the price it pays in eternity.”
We want to give our children the gifts of self-control, wisdom and responsibility. Don’t be upset when your child sins. It would be unnatural for them not to. Look at is an opportunity to grow in patience and perseverance on your part and an opportunity to train them in righteousness on their part. When you feel the irritation creeping in as you get up yet one more time to deal with yet another situation, smile, thank God for your child and cheerfully say, “Yea, another training opportunity!” We’ve found it helps us lighten up if we do a little dance on the way. Make up a little cheer that will remind you that you have nothing better to do than train up warriors for Christ. They will thank us one day. And if they don’t, God will.
Willful Disobedience & Biblical Discipline (week 4)
When you teach your children what you expect of them and give them a time of practicing it, you are setting them up to win. I Cor 10:13 “ No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, an dhe will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” When we teach and practice right behavior with our children, we are providing a way of escape for them.
Thoughtless disobedience is when your child breaks a rule but did not intend to. It’s an act of carelessness or childishness. There is no rebellious intent. Examples: accidentally breaking something, forgetting to play quietly when the baby is napping, karate-chopping the glass door just to see what would happen.
Consequences relate to the offense. Check out chapter 5 for a review.
On the other hand, when you have set clear standards of what you expect, but your child knowingly and willingly disobeys, that is Willful Disobedience. It is a decision on the child’s part not to follow through with the instructions given to him by his parents. Remember that Ephesians 6:1, Colossians 3:20 and Christ’s example with his Father, command children to obey their parents in everything. The earlier you teach and expect this, the better.
Willful disobedience can be divided into two categories: Active and Passive Rebellion. Examples pages 75-80.
Don’t allow kids to correct you.
The consequence for active or passive rebellion is chastisement/spanking. This is often an area of controversy because spankings are not always done the right way. Giving a spanking in love and spanking a child because you are angry are completely opposite.
Reb contrasts the difference between biblical discipline and abuse so well. Pages 70-71. (READ)
I was flipping through this book one day that we had on taming toddlers and the author addressed spanking as being “negative and emotionally degrading as well as being an extremely ineffective form of control.” But he also said on the page just before that, that spanking should be used for “the following two situations: 1)after some dangerous, life-threatening act, [and his examples were trying to climb off of second story balcony or running across busy roads] or 2) to defuse the rapidly escalating, no-win confrontation.” He says, “a quick, sharp smack may be most valuable in defusing a deteriorating situation that is about to get hopelessly out of control.” So he says it’s extremely ineffective, but when the situation is important enough, you should use it. He sounds confused to me. I Corinthians 14:33 For God is not a God of confusion but of peace.
Why do we spank? Proverbs tells us in chapter 23 (vs. 13, 14) Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol. If someone came up to you and tried to take your child, would you just stand by and watch? Of course not. But that is exactly what the devil is trying to do. He’s just more subtle. Everything we’re talking about in here is to help you fight tooth and nail for your kids. That includes spanking for willful disobedience.
22:15 Folly (or foolishness) is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
Every training opportunity is a chance to remove the foolishness in your child. Foolishness is not playfulness or child-like innocence. Foolishness means being full of selfish desires.
29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. I want to point out that the rod alone won’t do it. Training and communicating why what they did was wrong based on Scripture is equally important. Using Scripture as our standard of right and wrong removes our agenda from the picture and reminds them of their ultimate accountability to God.
13:24 Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
3:11-12 My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights. I love this verse because it doesn’t say, "a father disciplines the son who makes him crazy all day and has worn him out so that he can’t take it anymore and he is just sick and tired of it." He disciplines the son in whom he delights. And it compares the Lord’s discipline to the earthly discipline a father should be giving his child.
When you hear the “experts” say that spanking is wrong, it is because they are referring to child abuse – which is absolutely wrong. You should NEVER, EVER spank in anger! If you are angry but your child needs to be disciplined, put yourself in time out. Tell him you are going to take some time to talk to God and ask Him to help you calm down. Remember Galatians 6:1 “if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.” It doesn’t say, restore him harshly or in anger.
James 1:19 says, “…let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Don’t jump to conclusions. Find out what really happened. I know that we’ve made the mistake of giving consequences and finding out after we shouldn’t have. Be quick to listen to them, slow to speak and especially slow to become angry. I used to think the kids needed to know I was angry with them in order for the spanking to work. I thought, “If I hug them after their spanking, they’ll think they’re being rewarded for misbehaving.” But I’ve learned just the opposite. Spanking in anger is counterproductive. Like I said, put yourself in time-out until you are ready to handle the situation in a way that is for the child’s benefit, not yours.
Be careful not to say, “I can’t spank?” We have a friend who went to Reb’s seminar when her son was a year old. Although she appreciated the insights, she thought, “I can’t spank my baby.” Two years later, she went through the ACTS class on Wednesday nights. One night we saw her afterwards and she said, “I should have spanked him.” It is a lot harder to retrain than to train correctly in the first place.
We have a very strong-willed child. Some kids are born strong-willed, some have their wills strengthened through lack of proper training. Ours was born that way. When he was a baby learning to sleep through the night, we’d go in and pat his back to settle him just like we did the other four children. But instead of calming down, he would get mad. When he was 6 months old he would fuss every time I put him down. Now you know as the 4th child he was not spoiled. He just wanted what he wanted. The terrible twos (which by the way is not an excuse for wrong behavior) lasted 2 years. There were days that were so hard and draining that I thought, “If someone came by and wanted to adopt him, I’d let them.” It sounds awful and I hate to say it, but he was so hard. You could tell him to have a nice day and he’d get mad at you. The other kids had trouble wanting to play with him. He’s the one that took 4 trips back to the car before even making it in the door of the grocery store. We would avoid asking him to do anything because we didn’t want to deal with the inevitable “No” that was sure to follow and then the ordeal that came with the spanking for saying “No.” We do not recommend doing this, because we missed out on opportunities to train him just because we wanted to avoid the conflict. And it really just prolonged his training. Anyway, when we finally realized that we were avoiding training opportunities and started being consistent with discipline, not to mention encouraging him greatly when we saw the right behavior, that’s when we started seeing a change in him.
He has received a lot of spankings. But this is the child who now says, “I love you Mommy.” And I’ll say, “I love you too.” Then he says, “I love you more.” He does the same thing to his siblings. The world says that spankings make kids angry and aggressive. But if you consistently spank for willful disobedience, and you do it in love and with patience, you will find that they are absolutely wrong. If we had spared the rod, Charlie would be a miserable, angry child. He is not perfect and still has a harder time with some things than the other kids ever did but he knows his mommy and daddy love him and only want what is best for him. He knows what’s right and wants to do it. He’ll pray at bedtime, “Help me to be nice and not selfish and do the right thing. And help me and Iris not to throw fits.” He is loving and kind and sweet. And because God made him strong-willed, he will be a man with strong convictions. It’s our job to give him the right convictions. At one point I had to make up my mind that this kid was not out to make my life miserable. Instead of labeling him “hard”, I started saying, “This boy is going to do great things for God!” And I believe that with all my heart.
Hebrews 12:5b-11
"My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him.For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives."
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
We have seen that in all of our children but it’s especially evident in the life of our sweet 4 year old.
So I want to give you an example of how you might handle a situation that requires a spanking. You tell your child to do something and they don’t do it. If there are others around, tell the child to go wait for you in another room - for privacy. When you get there, you want them to acknowledge what they did by asking, “Why are we here? What did you do?” They answer and you ask, “So what has to happen?” “I have to get a spanking.” For children who can’t yet articulate, you would tell them, “You disobeyed Mommy and you need to get a spanking.”
Use something that stings but does not injure – like a rubber ruler or plastic spoon. And don’t use your hand. We spank over their underwear not on top of pants and not on the bare bottom. After the spanking, pull the child to you and hug. Say I love you and pray. Then give them another chance to obey.
For those of you with children 3 and up, before you implement any of this, be sure to sit down with them and explain that there are going to be some changes. Maybe read Col 3:20. Tell them instead of repeating yourselves, or yelling, or making threats, you are going to speak instructions one time, calmly. They must obey the first time you speak or they will get a spanking. Younger than that, don’t need an explanation. I will tell you, the first 3 days will be the toughest. But you’ll see a difference as long as you are consistent. Inconsistency only frustrates and confuses your kids. They need to know every time they disobey, they can expect the same response from you.
It is very important to make sure that your time of discipline is complete. If we dole out spankings but fail to see a change in attitude or heart, you will actually strengthen your child’s will instead of subduing it. There are three things you want to observe after a spanking. If you don’t see these, your time of discipline is not complete.
1. Is the child humble before your authority?
2. Has he taken responsibility for his actions?
3. Is he submitting to the consequences of his actions?
Here are some telltale signs that the spanking didn’t work:
1. anger, pouting, throwing things, crying loudly because of anger not pain or sorrow.
2. blaming someone else or tattling or asking, “why aren't they having to …?”
3. crying for the other parent
4. won’t hug you or let you touch them or hold their hand.
5. shows disrespect by saying things like, “I hate you” or “You’re mean”.
6. complaining that the spanking was in the wrong place (usually happens because they’ve moved).
If you decide the spanking didn’t work you might say, “I can see you are still … So we need to do this again.” If they correct you and say, “No it worked!” You’d say, “Oh you just corrected me. You’ll have to get a spanking for that, too.”
Now, some children need a few minutes to collect themselves before showing humility. In that case, after you hug them, you would say, “I’ll be back in a few minutes.” However, if you try this and they are not humbled toward you, don’t bother trying it again. And they will need another spanking.
So let’s say you are careful to discipline when necessary but you still can’t seem to get your children to submit to your authority. There are reasons that spankings won’t work.
1. If you fail to complete the time of discipline
2. If you spank in anger
3. If you don’t try to reach their heart by communicating why what they did was wrong based on scripture
4. If you aren’t careful to restore your relationship afterwards – hugs, I love yous
Thoughtless disobedience is when your child breaks a rule but did not intend to. It’s an act of carelessness or childishness. There is no rebellious intent. Examples: accidentally breaking something, forgetting to play quietly when the baby is napping, karate-chopping the glass door just to see what would happen.
Consequences relate to the offense. Check out chapter 5 for a review.
On the other hand, when you have set clear standards of what you expect, but your child knowingly and willingly disobeys, that is Willful Disobedience. It is a decision on the child’s part not to follow through with the instructions given to him by his parents. Remember that Ephesians 6:1, Colossians 3:20 and Christ’s example with his Father, command children to obey their parents in everything. The earlier you teach and expect this, the better.
Willful disobedience can be divided into two categories: Active and Passive Rebellion. Examples pages 75-80.
Don’t allow kids to correct you.
The consequence for active or passive rebellion is chastisement/spanking. This is often an area of controversy because spankings are not always done the right way. Giving a spanking in love and spanking a child because you are angry are completely opposite.
Reb contrasts the difference between biblical discipline and abuse so well. Pages 70-71. (READ)
I was flipping through this book one day that we had on taming toddlers and the author addressed spanking as being “negative and emotionally degrading as well as being an extremely ineffective form of control.” But he also said on the page just before that, that spanking should be used for “the following two situations: 1)after some dangerous, life-threatening act, [and his examples were trying to climb off of second story balcony or running across busy roads] or 2) to defuse the rapidly escalating, no-win confrontation.” He says, “a quick, sharp smack may be most valuable in defusing a deteriorating situation that is about to get hopelessly out of control.” So he says it’s extremely ineffective, but when the situation is important enough, you should use it. He sounds confused to me. I Corinthians 14:33 For God is not a God of confusion but of peace.
Why do we spank? Proverbs tells us in chapter 23 (vs. 13, 14) Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol. If someone came up to you and tried to take your child, would you just stand by and watch? Of course not. But that is exactly what the devil is trying to do. He’s just more subtle. Everything we’re talking about in here is to help you fight tooth and nail for your kids. That includes spanking for willful disobedience.
22:15 Folly (or foolishness) is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
Every training opportunity is a chance to remove the foolishness in your child. Foolishness is not playfulness or child-like innocence. Foolishness means being full of selfish desires.
29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. I want to point out that the rod alone won’t do it. Training and communicating why what they did was wrong based on Scripture is equally important. Using Scripture as our standard of right and wrong removes our agenda from the picture and reminds them of their ultimate accountability to God.
13:24 Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
3:11-12 My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights. I love this verse because it doesn’t say, "a father disciplines the son who makes him crazy all day and has worn him out so that he can’t take it anymore and he is just sick and tired of it." He disciplines the son in whom he delights. And it compares the Lord’s discipline to the earthly discipline a father should be giving his child.
When you hear the “experts” say that spanking is wrong, it is because they are referring to child abuse – which is absolutely wrong. You should NEVER, EVER spank in anger! If you are angry but your child needs to be disciplined, put yourself in time out. Tell him you are going to take some time to talk to God and ask Him to help you calm down. Remember Galatians 6:1 “if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.” It doesn’t say, restore him harshly or in anger.
James 1:19 says, “…let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Don’t jump to conclusions. Find out what really happened. I know that we’ve made the mistake of giving consequences and finding out after we shouldn’t have. Be quick to listen to them, slow to speak and especially slow to become angry. I used to think the kids needed to know I was angry with them in order for the spanking to work. I thought, “If I hug them after their spanking, they’ll think they’re being rewarded for misbehaving.” But I’ve learned just the opposite. Spanking in anger is counterproductive. Like I said, put yourself in time-out until you are ready to handle the situation in a way that is for the child’s benefit, not yours.
Be careful not to say, “I can’t spank?” We have a friend who went to Reb’s seminar when her son was a year old. Although she appreciated the insights, she thought, “I can’t spank my baby.” Two years later, she went through the ACTS class on Wednesday nights. One night we saw her afterwards and she said, “I should have spanked him.” It is a lot harder to retrain than to train correctly in the first place.
We have a very strong-willed child. Some kids are born strong-willed, some have their wills strengthened through lack of proper training. Ours was born that way. When he was a baby learning to sleep through the night, we’d go in and pat his back to settle him just like we did the other four children. But instead of calming down, he would get mad. When he was 6 months old he would fuss every time I put him down. Now you know as the 4th child he was not spoiled. He just wanted what he wanted. The terrible twos (which by the way is not an excuse for wrong behavior) lasted 2 years. There were days that were so hard and draining that I thought, “If someone came by and wanted to adopt him, I’d let them.” It sounds awful and I hate to say it, but he was so hard. You could tell him to have a nice day and he’d get mad at you. The other kids had trouble wanting to play with him. He’s the one that took 4 trips back to the car before even making it in the door of the grocery store. We would avoid asking him to do anything because we didn’t want to deal with the inevitable “No” that was sure to follow and then the ordeal that came with the spanking for saying “No.” We do not recommend doing this, because we missed out on opportunities to train him just because we wanted to avoid the conflict. And it really just prolonged his training. Anyway, when we finally realized that we were avoiding training opportunities and started being consistent with discipline, not to mention encouraging him greatly when we saw the right behavior, that’s when we started seeing a change in him.
He has received a lot of spankings. But this is the child who now says, “I love you Mommy.” And I’ll say, “I love you too.” Then he says, “I love you more.” He does the same thing to his siblings. The world says that spankings make kids angry and aggressive. But if you consistently spank for willful disobedience, and you do it in love and with patience, you will find that they are absolutely wrong. If we had spared the rod, Charlie would be a miserable, angry child. He is not perfect and still has a harder time with some things than the other kids ever did but he knows his mommy and daddy love him and only want what is best for him. He knows what’s right and wants to do it. He’ll pray at bedtime, “Help me to be nice and not selfish and do the right thing. And help me and Iris not to throw fits.” He is loving and kind and sweet. And because God made him strong-willed, he will be a man with strong convictions. It’s our job to give him the right convictions. At one point I had to make up my mind that this kid was not out to make my life miserable. Instead of labeling him “hard”, I started saying, “This boy is going to do great things for God!” And I believe that with all my heart.
Hebrews 12:5b-11
"My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him.For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives."
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
We have seen that in all of our children but it’s especially evident in the life of our sweet 4 year old.
So I want to give you an example of how you might handle a situation that requires a spanking. You tell your child to do something and they don’t do it. If there are others around, tell the child to go wait for you in another room - for privacy. When you get there, you want them to acknowledge what they did by asking, “Why are we here? What did you do?” They answer and you ask, “So what has to happen?” “I have to get a spanking.” For children who can’t yet articulate, you would tell them, “You disobeyed Mommy and you need to get a spanking.”
Use something that stings but does not injure – like a rubber ruler or plastic spoon. And don’t use your hand. We spank over their underwear not on top of pants and not on the bare bottom. After the spanking, pull the child to you and hug. Say I love you and pray. Then give them another chance to obey.
For those of you with children 3 and up, before you implement any of this, be sure to sit down with them and explain that there are going to be some changes. Maybe read Col 3:20. Tell them instead of repeating yourselves, or yelling, or making threats, you are going to speak instructions one time, calmly. They must obey the first time you speak or they will get a spanking. Younger than that, don’t need an explanation. I will tell you, the first 3 days will be the toughest. But you’ll see a difference as long as you are consistent. Inconsistency only frustrates and confuses your kids. They need to know every time they disobey, they can expect the same response from you.
It is very important to make sure that your time of discipline is complete. If we dole out spankings but fail to see a change in attitude or heart, you will actually strengthen your child’s will instead of subduing it. There are three things you want to observe after a spanking. If you don’t see these, your time of discipline is not complete.
1. Is the child humble before your authority?
2. Has he taken responsibility for his actions?
3. Is he submitting to the consequences of his actions?
Here are some telltale signs that the spanking didn’t work:
1. anger, pouting, throwing things, crying loudly because of anger not pain or sorrow.
2. blaming someone else or tattling or asking, “why aren't they having to …?”
3. crying for the other parent
4. won’t hug you or let you touch them or hold their hand.
5. shows disrespect by saying things like, “I hate you” or “You’re mean”.
6. complaining that the spanking was in the wrong place (usually happens because they’ve moved).
If you decide the spanking didn’t work you might say, “I can see you are still … So we need to do this again.” If they correct you and say, “No it worked!” You’d say, “Oh you just corrected me. You’ll have to get a spanking for that, too.”
Now, some children need a few minutes to collect themselves before showing humility. In that case, after you hug them, you would say, “I’ll be back in a few minutes.” However, if you try this and they are not humbled toward you, don’t bother trying it again. And they will need another spanking.
So let’s say you are careful to discipline when necessary but you still can’t seem to get your children to submit to your authority. There are reasons that spankings won’t work.
1. If you fail to complete the time of discipline
2. If you spank in anger
3. If you don’t try to reach their heart by communicating why what they did was wrong based on scripture
4. If you aren’t careful to restore your relationship afterwards – hugs, I love yous
Verses for week 4
I Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
I Corinthians 14:33
For God is not a God of confusion but of peace.
Proverbs 23:13, 14
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.
Proverbs 22:15
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
Proverbs 29:15
The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
Proverbs 13:24
Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
Proverbs 3:11-12
My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.
Galatians 6:1
Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.
James 1:19, 20
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
Hebrews 5-11
And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
"My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him.For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives."
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?
If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.
Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live?
For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
I Corinthians 14:33
For God is not a God of confusion but of peace.
Proverbs 23:13, 14
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.
Proverbs 22:15
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
Proverbs 29:15
The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
Proverbs 13:24
Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
Proverbs 3:11-12
My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.
Galatians 6:1
Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.
James 1:19, 20
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
Hebrews 5-11
And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
"My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him.For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives."
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?
If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.
Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live?
For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
"Training Time", Role-Playing, Thoughtless Disobedience & Related Consequences (week 3)
As parents, we are instructed by God to train our children up.
Proverbs says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Ephesians says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Some of the areas of training that we discuss include teaching your children right behavior and practicing it, instructing them in God’s Word, encouraging right behavior, and correcting wrong behavior by getting to the heart of the matter and giving out consequences for disobedience.
Teaching right behavior and then practicing it is what we call training time. There are two ways to have training time. One way is to schedule 15-30 minutes to work on areas that you feel could use some improvement. You could make it an “every Thursday at 7 o’clock” thing. You explain what you expect from them and then give them a chance to practice it. We gave an example last week of teaching walking aged kids how you want them to answer and come to you when you call them; or how you want them to answer you and report when you’ve asked them to do something. A few other ideas are…..list (if you need a copy of the training ideas and ages list, please let me know.)
You can practice going to the grocery store. Talk about how you want them to hold hands from the car to the shopping cart. Let them know that when you go to the store, you have a list of the things you need and they are not allowed to ask for anything. One of those nanny shows would have you cut out pictures of everything on your list and have your child help you shop. Not only is that a lot of work but it’s really a means of distraction. You’re just trying to keep them occupied and avoid them being bored. They can learn that life is boring and you’re just there to help them get used to it. Also, practice how you expect them to act in line. Be sure to let them know during your training time that if they do not follow through when you are at the store, there will be a consequence. Do not bribe them. If you have to leave a whole shopping cart of food sitting in the store while you go out to the car to discipline, do it. This will make an impact. If they do well, praise them and thank them for showing love to Mommy by being respectful and obedient.
Whatever you are having trouble with, practice it at home. You can role-play during “training time.” We role-play to show them the wrong way to act and then show the right behavior that we expect. We’re going to show you how we would do this:
Taking a toy – Both wrong One wrong – one right Both right
Friend’s email: I have to be honest - but I thought the whole idea of role playing was a bit silly. But after this afternoon - I'm lovin it! We had to put our library books and movies back because [my 5-yr-old] disobeyed me and went back to the puppets and proceeded to growl again and shout. He got a spanking - then we put everything back. So after lunch - we role played how we behave in the library. And it just so happened that [the baby] was "shouting" while [my 5-yr-old] was trying to read me something and he didn't appreciate it - great tie in!Anyway he loved it - "can we do it again" I swear we did it some umpteen times - the "bad way" AND the "good way".
Role-playing is a great way to show the kids how they look when they are acting selfish and sinful and it makes an impact to then show them the right way.
The second type of training time is impromptu – or when the need arises. You lay your one year old down to change her diaper and she squirms and fusses to get away. Train her to be still by holding her still and saying, “Be still”. If she disobeys, she gets a swat and you tell her again to be still. If she isn’t squirming but is protesting, you would say, “No fussing.” If she doesn’t stop, she gets a swat and another “No fussing”.
What if your son reaches for something on the coffee table that he should not have? Instead of removing him or the object, what if you decided to train him not to touch it. As he reaches for the object say, “No touching” and move his hand away. If he reaches for it again, swat his hand and say again, “No touching”. Continue until he submits his will to yours and he can stand there without touching it. Redirecting him to something else is distraction and it does not teach self-control.
You may be thinking, “But wouldn’t it just be easier to move him or rearrange the house?” Actually, no. Remember, you don’t have to child-proof your house, when you house-proof your child. And when you go somewhere else, you won’t have to rearrange your host’s house or follow the children around constantly checking what they are getting into.
What about the child who tries to remove your glasses. Instead of turning her around so she can’t get to them, what if you train her not to touch them at all? Go through the same routine. “No touching.” And if she does it again, swat her hand and repeat your instructions.
Someone had a great question last week about using the word “No”. She had heard not to use it for everyday occurrences because of its negative connation, and to only use it in dangerous situations. But if you said, “leave it” instead of “No” it’s all the same to a toddler. No is no more negative than any other word. It is simply part of a command. For me, I always used a more urgent no for dangerous situations like sticking things in the outlets. What you can do to counter the fact that you may be using it a lot is by saying “Yes” when they reach for something they can have. And Yes, good job obeying when they stand at the coffee table looking at the off-limits item but not touching it.
Impromtu training is not just reserved for the littlest ones. One Sunday I was headed out to the car after church with all the kids. Roddy’s usually with me but for some reason he wasn’t on this day. I had my hands full with Bibles and craft projects and Iris wanting to be held. The big kids ran ahead and stopped to wait before going across the parking lot, but Charlie started to run out. So I called for him to stop and he did. After we crossed the first line of traffic and made it to the first row of parked cars, we needed to turn left but I had to put Iris down to reposition everything I was carrying. Well she fussed at me while at the same time Charlie started to go across traffic without even looking. So I grab his collar to pull him out of the way of the oncoming car and he fussed at me. We finally got to the car just about the time Roddy got there. But instead of everyone loading up and getting the heck out of there, I decided we should have some training on how to walk out to the car together. I explained to them how I expected them to walk beside us and without being held and we were going to practice it. So we walked together back into the E2 building and then out to the car again.
Another Sunday night we were walking to my parents’ church which is on the property behind our house. It’s separated by woods so we had a few minutes. I decided to talk to the kids about how Roddy is the leader of our home and we should follow his lead. To illustrate, I had the kids line up and play follow-the-leader. Now, we can say, “Follow the leader” and they line up behind Roddy.
If we invest time in training - *teaching and practicing right behavior – we will spare ourselves and our children a lot of unnecessary discipline time. I don’t mean it will cut it out altogether but it will minimize it.
That leads us to another part of “bringing our children up” which is discipline. What do we mean by discipline? On dictionary.com, Discipline had 12 descriptions. For the purposes of this discussion, we will define discipline as consequences given in order to train in self-control.
Now let’s talk about the when, why and how of discipline. Discipline is reserved for disobedience. There are 2 types of disobedience: thoughtless disobedience and willful disobedience. Thoughtless disobedience means your child broke a rule but had no intention of breaking it. It may have been an accident. They put no thought behind it. It was completely unplanned.
Consequences for thoughtless disobedience should relate to the offense. Don’t take away TV time because they broke something. Require restitution. They can either help you clean it up and fix it or use their money to buy a new one.
Let’s say you’ve told the kids not to slam the back door when they go out to play. This is a known rule in your house. But one of the kids in their excitement runs out the back door and thoughtlessly slams it. They weren’t thinking. They were just childish. A consequence could be having them come back and practice several times going in and out shutting the door the right way. Our kids often forget to shut the door at all. So we’ll have them come back and do the same thing.
Another example of thoughtless disobedience would be if you ask them to play quietly because someone is sleeping. They thoughtlessly forget and start playing loudly. You could take away their privilege to talk for a few minutes or take away the toy that was the accomplice in the noise making.
Complaining about food or playing at the table could get them the loss of a meal. It can then be served to them again at the next meal. There are 2 verses that we wanted to share when thinking about what your standards will be at mealtime: Phil 2:14 Do all things without grumbling or questioning, and Luke 6:31 And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. You decide how you will deal with mealtime. According to Phil. we should teach our children not to complain – not only about food but anything. And according to Luke, we should teach them to think about how they would feel if someone complained about something they worked hard to prepare. Our mealtime rule is: be thankful for what you are given. If they don’t want to eat it, we put it in the fridge for the next meal. If it is something they have never had before, they have to take as many bites as they are old.
Consequences for thoughtless disobedience should take into account the situation as well as the child’s age. If your 2 year old starts running through the house, you might go to her and say, “No running in the house. You may walk.” If she starts running within minutes of that, you would spank her because she was just told what you expected and disobeyed. If you had to correct her several times throughout the day, you’d give her a spanking, too. But, if you told her once 2 days ago, because of her young age, you might just correct her again. With older ones 4 and up, set the standard and let them know the consequence. Then follow through consistently
Also, look at their hearts. Let’s say we’re sitting at dinner and we’ve just told Charlie to sit in his seat. If Iris drops her spoon and he jumps down to get it, he is serving and loving his sister. We would praise him for being such a kind big brother and if needed direct him back to his seat.
We ran out of time at this point. Next week we will go over Willful Disobedience and the consequences for that. Try to read through chapter 6 this week.
Proverbs says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Ephesians says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Some of the areas of training that we discuss include teaching your children right behavior and practicing it, instructing them in God’s Word, encouraging right behavior, and correcting wrong behavior by getting to the heart of the matter and giving out consequences for disobedience.
Teaching right behavior and then practicing it is what we call training time. There are two ways to have training time. One way is to schedule 15-30 minutes to work on areas that you feel could use some improvement. You could make it an “every Thursday at 7 o’clock” thing. You explain what you expect from them and then give them a chance to practice it. We gave an example last week of teaching walking aged kids how you want them to answer and come to you when you call them; or how you want them to answer you and report when you’ve asked them to do something. A few other ideas are…..list (if you need a copy of the training ideas and ages list, please let me know.)
You can practice going to the grocery store. Talk about how you want them to hold hands from the car to the shopping cart. Let them know that when you go to the store, you have a list of the things you need and they are not allowed to ask for anything. One of those nanny shows would have you cut out pictures of everything on your list and have your child help you shop. Not only is that a lot of work but it’s really a means of distraction. You’re just trying to keep them occupied and avoid them being bored. They can learn that life is boring and you’re just there to help them get used to it. Also, practice how you expect them to act in line. Be sure to let them know during your training time that if they do not follow through when you are at the store, there will be a consequence. Do not bribe them. If you have to leave a whole shopping cart of food sitting in the store while you go out to the car to discipline, do it. This will make an impact. If they do well, praise them and thank them for showing love to Mommy by being respectful and obedient.
Whatever you are having trouble with, practice it at home. You can role-play during “training time.” We role-play to show them the wrong way to act and then show the right behavior that we expect. We’re going to show you how we would do this:
Taking a toy – Both wrong One wrong – one right Both right
Friend’s email: I have to be honest - but I thought the whole idea of role playing was a bit silly. But after this afternoon - I'm lovin it! We had to put our library books and movies back because [my 5-yr-old] disobeyed me and went back to the puppets and proceeded to growl again and shout. He got a spanking - then we put everything back. So after lunch - we role played how we behave in the library. And it just so happened that [the baby] was "shouting" while [my 5-yr-old] was trying to read me something and he didn't appreciate it - great tie in!Anyway he loved it - "can we do it again" I swear we did it some umpteen times - the "bad way" AND the "good way".
Role-playing is a great way to show the kids how they look when they are acting selfish and sinful and it makes an impact to then show them the right way.
The second type of training time is impromptu – or when the need arises. You lay your one year old down to change her diaper and she squirms and fusses to get away. Train her to be still by holding her still and saying, “Be still”. If she disobeys, she gets a swat and you tell her again to be still. If she isn’t squirming but is protesting, you would say, “No fussing.” If she doesn’t stop, she gets a swat and another “No fussing”.
What if your son reaches for something on the coffee table that he should not have? Instead of removing him or the object, what if you decided to train him not to touch it. As he reaches for the object say, “No touching” and move his hand away. If he reaches for it again, swat his hand and say again, “No touching”. Continue until he submits his will to yours and he can stand there without touching it. Redirecting him to something else is distraction and it does not teach self-control.
You may be thinking, “But wouldn’t it just be easier to move him or rearrange the house?” Actually, no. Remember, you don’t have to child-proof your house, when you house-proof your child. And when you go somewhere else, you won’t have to rearrange your host’s house or follow the children around constantly checking what they are getting into.
What about the child who tries to remove your glasses. Instead of turning her around so she can’t get to them, what if you train her not to touch them at all? Go through the same routine. “No touching.” And if she does it again, swat her hand and repeat your instructions.
Someone had a great question last week about using the word “No”. She had heard not to use it for everyday occurrences because of its negative connation, and to only use it in dangerous situations. But if you said, “leave it” instead of “No” it’s all the same to a toddler. No is no more negative than any other word. It is simply part of a command. For me, I always used a more urgent no for dangerous situations like sticking things in the outlets. What you can do to counter the fact that you may be using it a lot is by saying “Yes” when they reach for something they can have. And Yes, good job obeying when they stand at the coffee table looking at the off-limits item but not touching it.
Impromtu training is not just reserved for the littlest ones. One Sunday I was headed out to the car after church with all the kids. Roddy’s usually with me but for some reason he wasn’t on this day. I had my hands full with Bibles and craft projects and Iris wanting to be held. The big kids ran ahead and stopped to wait before going across the parking lot, but Charlie started to run out. So I called for him to stop and he did. After we crossed the first line of traffic and made it to the first row of parked cars, we needed to turn left but I had to put Iris down to reposition everything I was carrying. Well she fussed at me while at the same time Charlie started to go across traffic without even looking. So I grab his collar to pull him out of the way of the oncoming car and he fussed at me. We finally got to the car just about the time Roddy got there. But instead of everyone loading up and getting the heck out of there, I decided we should have some training on how to walk out to the car together. I explained to them how I expected them to walk beside us and without being held and we were going to practice it. So we walked together back into the E2 building and then out to the car again.
Another Sunday night we were walking to my parents’ church which is on the property behind our house. It’s separated by woods so we had a few minutes. I decided to talk to the kids about how Roddy is the leader of our home and we should follow his lead. To illustrate, I had the kids line up and play follow-the-leader. Now, we can say, “Follow the leader” and they line up behind Roddy.
If we invest time in training - *teaching and practicing right behavior – we will spare ourselves and our children a lot of unnecessary discipline time. I don’t mean it will cut it out altogether but it will minimize it.
That leads us to another part of “bringing our children up” which is discipline. What do we mean by discipline? On dictionary.com, Discipline had 12 descriptions. For the purposes of this discussion, we will define discipline as consequences given in order to train in self-control.
Now let’s talk about the when, why and how of discipline. Discipline is reserved for disobedience. There are 2 types of disobedience: thoughtless disobedience and willful disobedience. Thoughtless disobedience means your child broke a rule but had no intention of breaking it. It may have been an accident. They put no thought behind it. It was completely unplanned.
Consequences for thoughtless disobedience should relate to the offense. Don’t take away TV time because they broke something. Require restitution. They can either help you clean it up and fix it or use their money to buy a new one.
Let’s say you’ve told the kids not to slam the back door when they go out to play. This is a known rule in your house. But one of the kids in their excitement runs out the back door and thoughtlessly slams it. They weren’t thinking. They were just childish. A consequence could be having them come back and practice several times going in and out shutting the door the right way. Our kids often forget to shut the door at all. So we’ll have them come back and do the same thing.
Another example of thoughtless disobedience would be if you ask them to play quietly because someone is sleeping. They thoughtlessly forget and start playing loudly. You could take away their privilege to talk for a few minutes or take away the toy that was the accomplice in the noise making.
Complaining about food or playing at the table could get them the loss of a meal. It can then be served to them again at the next meal. There are 2 verses that we wanted to share when thinking about what your standards will be at mealtime: Phil 2:14 Do all things without grumbling or questioning, and Luke 6:31 And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. You decide how you will deal with mealtime. According to Phil. we should teach our children not to complain – not only about food but anything. And according to Luke, we should teach them to think about how they would feel if someone complained about something they worked hard to prepare. Our mealtime rule is: be thankful for what you are given. If they don’t want to eat it, we put it in the fridge for the next meal. If it is something they have never had before, they have to take as many bites as they are old.
Consequences for thoughtless disobedience should take into account the situation as well as the child’s age. If your 2 year old starts running through the house, you might go to her and say, “No running in the house. You may walk.” If she starts running within minutes of that, you would spank her because she was just told what you expected and disobeyed. If you had to correct her several times throughout the day, you’d give her a spanking, too. But, if you told her once 2 days ago, because of her young age, you might just correct her again. With older ones 4 and up, set the standard and let them know the consequence. Then follow through consistently
Also, look at their hearts. Let’s say we’re sitting at dinner and we’ve just told Charlie to sit in his seat. If Iris drops her spoon and he jumps down to get it, he is serving and loving his sister. We would praise him for being such a kind big brother and if needed direct him back to his seat.
We ran out of time at this point. Next week we will go over Willful Disobedience and the consequences for that. Try to read through chapter 6 this week.
Verses for week 3
Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Phil 2:14
Do all things without grumbling or questioning.
Luke 6:31
And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.
Arrows, Incorrect Training, "Training Time" (week 2)
Blessings of training...our evening with 10 kids and 4 adults.
Romans 5:12 says “Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned—.” Children are not born good and then turn bad. They are born sinners. Sin is natural. Which means, we shouldn’t be surprised or angry when they disobey, throw temper tantrums or act selfishly. It would be unnatural for them not to. But when sin is not corrected it becomes habit. If you allow your children to sin without exercising your God-given parental authority to “train them up” you are not only sinning against them, but God as well.
We talked last week about how worldly wisdom can cloud our minds to the Truth. The Bible says, “For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight.” It says, “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD.” And Jesus said, “You shall worship the Lord your God and him only shall you serve.”
Unfortunately, worldly wisdom is a lot more prevalent than God’s wisdom. And if you hear it or read it enough, you start to believe it. Our prayer for you is that you will let the Holy Spirit show you what is true because the enemy is subtle. He will lie to you. He’s the father of lies. He will try to confuse you and get you to doubt what God’s Word says. He wants to destroy your family and your effectiveness for Christ! Peter said “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him …” (1 Peter 5:8-9a).
Turn to Psalm 127. Verse 1 says, “Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.” Right there is a big red flag telling us that if you aren’t allowing God to direct your family, your home will be weak and ineffective at best. “…Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain..” Did you know that as parents you are the watchmen of your home? You determine who and what comes in through its gates. I would like to point out that you can’t “watch” your home if you aren’t there or if you’re there but are preoccupied or distracted. Do you know what the weakest gate is? It’s probably in the center of your family room and in several other rooms as well. Does anyone know? It’s the TV. It’s a lion in sheep’s clothing. Be selective in what you choose to view or allow your children to view.
Verses 3-5 say, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks (the NIV says ‘contends’) with his enemies in the gate.”
Someone in battle who has many arrows has an advantage over those who don’t. Children are our arrows for advancing the Gospel. But if your kids aren’t trained in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord” you’ll have a quiver full of duds. We are given an incredible responsibility. Jesus said (in Matthew 12:36) “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak.” How much more will we give an account for what we did with the lives of our children? Don’t look at your children as work, or interruptions to your life. See them as future warriors for God’s Kingdom.
In case you didn’t know it, we are in a battle. Some days it feels like we’re in a battle with our kids. But one day God showed us Ephesians 6:12 “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” We’re not fighting our kids, or shouldn’t be, we’re fighting the enemy for our kids!
So how do we fight for our kids? By training them to spiritual maturity. We said last week that means teaching your kids self-control which is the foundation for becoming wise and responsible. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Training your children in the way they should go according to Eph means in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Let’s look at some ways you may actually be training your children not to be self-controlled. Because we are all training our children, it just may not be according to God’s plan. You may have what Reb refers to as a child-run home. A child run home is one in which you have purposefully or accidentally allowed your children to have a voice in the decisions of running your home. You may have allowed behavior that you have been told is normal. You may be training them incorrectly because you’ve been confused by worldly wisdom and you doubt scripture’s relevancy to your family today. Or because you just don’t know how to apply God’s Word to your daily life as parents. So what are some ways you may have trained your children incorrectly?
Mealtime – Your kitchen feels like Burger King where the kids have it their way. You fix one meal for you and your spouse and another meal for the kids.
Maybe you allow your kids to determine where you go out to eat because they only like certain foods at certain places and you don’t want to deal with the whining, pouting or crying when they don’t get it.
First-time obedience – maybe that’s a foreign term in your home. In a child-run home the child decides when or how he will obey, if at all. He might say, “Just a minute.” Or you may have trained him to wait until you count to 3. If your child can obey when you say “One”, he can obey you as soon as you speak the command. My brother-in-law is a sheriff’s deputy. If someone resists arrest, do you think he tells them he’s going to count to 3 and they had better straighten up? Can you imagine? The guy he’s arresting would laugh in his face. So why do we do this with our children? Don’t we have the same authority?
Decision making – the kids are allowed to complain, whine, and nag until they get what they want or until you lose it. You may often say to others. “I have to pick my battles with him. It’s not worth it.” And your child gets to choose when and what he eats, wears, plays and watches.
Answering “why” – your child does not have to know why they are being asked to do something. When you give a command, if your child asks why and you give them a reason, you have just made them your peer. If you always give reasons to your commands or answer “why”, they will come to believe they are owed an explanation. Some parents justify giving explanations because they think they are teaching their children how to make wise decisions. But remember self-control comes before wisdom. When a child has the self-control to obey respectfully and cheerfully, then you can start giving wisdom behind your commands like: I need you to stay inside while the baby sleeps because she could hear you playing outside her window. Also, if they have shown they can obey without having a reason, they can be permitted to occasionally say, “May I ask why?” But if that becomes a regular occurrence, you may need to restrict that privilege for a time. At any rate, they are not allowed to debate with you and there should still be times when you give no reasons and get no questions.
Yelling – your child only decides to obey when the volume of your voice goes up several decibels and veins are bulging from your neck. You have taught them to obey you when they think you finally mean it. Instead, teach them you mean it when you give them instructions in a kind, calm voice.
Here’s a brief episode witnessed by author Michael Pearl:
I observed a father tell his small boy not to touch a particular object. Having been trained to ignore mild commands, the child picked it up. The father demanded, "Give it to me." The child pretended not to hear. "Did you hear me? [Of course he did] Hand it to Daddy. [With more firmness] Johnnnieee, give it to Daddy, NOW!! [Another decibel higher--hasty--angry] JOHNNY!! Am I going to have to SPANK YOU?" By this time the father became aware of his embarrassing tone. He calmed his voice, and in an attempt to bring it to a conclusion he leaned way out and extended his hand, making it easier for Johnny to comply. Because of the angry voice and burning eyes, Johnny assumed the temporary posture of, "Oh well, there will be another day." But, instead of meeting the humbled, groping father, he held the object in his general direction but down close to his body, forcing the father to advance even farther to retrieve it. The father, looking like a poor peasant receiving his necessary food from some condescending royalty, submitted to the child's humiliation and reached to retrieve the object. And then, in a display of weakness, the father placed it out of the child's reach.
There are 2 points I want to make about this story. The first is that there is no need to repeat, yell or threaten to spank. You can train your children to obey when you speak the first time. Secondly, the father put the object out of reach which does not teach self-control, it only avoids going through the same situation again. Children can also be taught self-control not to touch things that are off-limits.
Another way we fail to teach self-control is by adopting the parenting philosophy that says if you give your child choices, you will 1. avoid a lot of conflict, 2. teach them how to make wise choices, 3. have a child that is so grateful for all the choices they been given that when it is time for you to make a decision, they will gladly give you a turn. The problem is this does not teach self-control and your child will come to believe that they are in charge and you have no right to impose any decision on them. There is a mom in the ACTS class on Wed night who has a 7 year old and who has given her daughter choices. Her pediatrician said her daughter was bright and needed to have lots of choices. But now her daughter at 7 has an attitude that she is as equipped to make adult decisions as her mom. And she doesn’t have the respect for her mother’s authority that she should. You see the whole point of all this self-control talk is like Roddy said last week, so that our children will learn to say no to themselves and yes to God. If you have trouble with authority, you’re going to have trouble with God’s authority in your life.
Repeating yourself – You know you‘ve taught your kids not to obey the first time when you hear yourself saying, “How many times do I have to tell you?” or “I’m not going to tell you again.” Save yourself some time and energy and give instructions one time and expect obedience. If your child can obey the 3rd time, they can obey the first. Usually what happens if you continually have to repeat yourself before your kids obey, is you end up frustrated and angry and you discipline out of aggravation instead of love.
Threatening – “If you don’t _______, I’m gonna_______.” Don’t make threats about what you’re going to do if they don’t do something. If they know what you expect and don’t do it, they are disobeying and need discipline for it.
Bribing – this is a big one. An example would be, “If you are really good at Grandma’s house, I’ll take you get ice cream later.” Bribing is used when parents don’t understand their God-given authority. Offering a treat or money for obedience and good behavior does not teach self-control. I love how Reb puts it on page 58: “Bribing children tells them:
That your word s insufficient motivation to obey.
That they are in charge and you are not.
That you are at their mercy.
That you are not worthy of their respect.”
There is a difference between bribes and rewards. A bribe is offered in order to get the behavior you desire. A reward is given without prior notice. It’s unexpected. Twistie Treat example.
Allowing Excuses - It starts when they are little and we excuse wrong behavior by saying, “Oh, she just needs a nap” or “He’s just tired.” It teaches your children to make excuses for their bad attitudes and misbehavior. An older child who says, “He started it” or “He made me do it” is making excuses and it is wrong. We want to teach our kids to take responsibility for their behavior, not blame the situation or someone else.
Tricking or Manipulating – An example of this would be when it’s time to leave the park. Instead of just saying, “Okay it’s time to go now”, you manipulate them with “Grandma’s coming over. We have to hurry and get home.” Or instead of saying, “It’s bedtime” saying, “Do you want to take the bear or bunny to bed with you?” We used to do this before Reb pointed it out. We wanted to avoid the conflict and so we tried to trick out kids into thinking, “this is a good idea. I get to take something with me to bed.”
When you're getting ready to change activities - especially something your kids are engrossed in, it is very helpful to give a time warning like, "Okay, 5 minutes 'til bedtime." It gives the child time to prepare their minds for what's coming.
Distracting – is another way we are taught to deal with tough situations. Instead of training a child not to touch the tv, we are told to move them or distract them with something else.
Again, the problem with all of these methods is they do not train the child to submit his will to yours. Even Jesus who is equal to God submitted himself to his Father. Luke 22:42 Jesus prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." In John 12:50, he said, “whatever I say is just what the Father has told me to say." John 14:31 “I do exactly what my Father has commanded me.” Who are we supposed to model ourselves after? Christ. We are to strive to be like Jesus. We should teach our children to do the same.
Colossians 3:20 “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Last time I checked everything still meant everything.
So our initial priority is to establish the standard of first-time obedience. In our house that means, we ask our children to do something in a calm voice and we expect them to obey cheerfully, right away, all the way, no matter what. Anything else is disobedience. For example, if I send one of them to their room to clean up, and they go right away but stomp off in protest. That is not obeying cheerfully. If I ask them to go brush their teeth, and they wait until they’ve finished stacking up their Legos, they are not obeying right away. If I send them to put clothes away, but I find the clothes scattered on the closet floor, they have not obeyed all the way. If I tell them to stop running, and they say, “But Iris is chasing me,” they are not obeying no matter what.
Now there are times when they may respectfully appeal. For example, if I send them to brush their teeth not knowing Roddy has already had them brush their teeth, they may say, “Mommy, may I tell you something?” To which I would say, “Sure, what is it?” And they can tell me they’ve already done it. But they have to start to obey first. In other words, I tell them to brush their teeth and they head in the direction of the bathroom before appealing with a respectful attitude.
How do you achieve first-time obedience? Through training and discipline. We believe both are very important. But we also believe that no amount of discipline will make up for a lack of training. By training we mean teaching and practicing right behavior. I want you to think of something you are good at because you have practiced or gone through some kind of training. Athletes train for their sport; musicians practice their instruments; Roddy trains for his job; and children can train for right behavior. We have what we call “training time.” It might be an impromptu 15 minutes whenever the need arises, or it could be 30 minutes scheduled into a weeknight. During our time, we practice the behavior we expect from our kids. For example:
What they’re doing right now is training them to sit quietly and in one spot. We call in quiet-time. The lady who showed it to me has 12 children. She calls it playpen in a purse. Start by having them pick 2 quiet toys or books. Then give them a blanket. Tell them they and their toys have to stay on the blanket. They can’t talk or stand up. If they are younger than 18 months, go around each side of the blanket and tap the carpet saying, “No, no.” Then point to the blanket and say, “Yes.” If a foot or hand or toy comes off the blanket, during the first day of learning it, just put it back and say, “Stay on the blanket.” But after the first day, you may need to give them a swat. Do not engage in conversation. Try it for 5 minutes the first time. Then add 5 minutes each time and build up to however long you need. After about 30 minutes, I will ask if anyone needs a potty break or wants to get a different toy. The first time I tried it, Jackson was 2, Gray was 3 and Emma was 4. When the timer went off, they asked to do it again. This went on for 45 minutes.
We originally started doing this when our house was being built…
We do not use it for punishment. I’ll use it if I need instant peace and quiet – like when I’m trying to fix dinner and my blood sugar is dropping but my blood pressure is rising. We’ve also used it in the car - just without the blankets. And we usually use it to start our “training time.”
You can train them to come to you when you call. For kids over 3, send them to another room and tell them you’re going to call their name. When they hear their name, they need to answer, “Yes, Sir or Yes, Ma’am, I’m coming.” That way you know they’ve heard you. And then they should come right away. Practice several times and praise for a job well done. When you’re finished tell them you expect them to do the same thing the next day.
For younger ones – 18 months or so…put them down on one side of the room and walk to the other side. Then call them. If they don’t come, go over and say, “Daddy called you, I want you to come right away” and lead them to where you were when you called. Now do it again. This time, if they don’t come, go over to where they are, give a little swat on the bottom and say, “Daddy called you; I want you to come right away.” And lead them again to where you were when you called. Continue this until they come to you on their own. And when they do, be sure to lavish them with affection and praise for obeying. By 2 years of age –depending on verbal skills, you can teach them to answer you with “Coming.”
First-time obedience - Tell them you are going ask them to do something and you expect them to answer you with, “Yes, Ma’am or Yes, Mommy.” After they do what you ask, have them come to you and report that they did it and have them ask you if there is anything else they can do to help. Get Gray to show example-have her take something off the chair and put it on the table and report. Again, praise for doing it correctly and send them back to try again if they don’t. We’ll give younger ones simple tasks like: “Will you bring me your blanket please?” And more involved tasks for older ones like: “I want you to go to your room, touch your dresser, pick up a toy, and then give Daddy a kiss.” It can be silly stuff or you can actually get things accomplished like cleaning up a room in the process.
Next week we will continue with ideas for "training time."
This week, read chapters 3 & 4. And try to have some training time. Pick one of the things we talked about to practice with your kids.
Romans 5:12 says “Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned—.” Children are not born good and then turn bad. They are born sinners. Sin is natural. Which means, we shouldn’t be surprised or angry when they disobey, throw temper tantrums or act selfishly. It would be unnatural for them not to. But when sin is not corrected it becomes habit. If you allow your children to sin without exercising your God-given parental authority to “train them up” you are not only sinning against them, but God as well.
We talked last week about how worldly wisdom can cloud our minds to the Truth. The Bible says, “For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight.” It says, “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD.” And Jesus said, “You shall worship the Lord your God and him only shall you serve.”
Unfortunately, worldly wisdom is a lot more prevalent than God’s wisdom. And if you hear it or read it enough, you start to believe it. Our prayer for you is that you will let the Holy Spirit show you what is true because the enemy is subtle. He will lie to you. He’s the father of lies. He will try to confuse you and get you to doubt what God’s Word says. He wants to destroy your family and your effectiveness for Christ! Peter said “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him …” (1 Peter 5:8-9a).
Turn to Psalm 127. Verse 1 says, “Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.” Right there is a big red flag telling us that if you aren’t allowing God to direct your family, your home will be weak and ineffective at best. “…Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain..” Did you know that as parents you are the watchmen of your home? You determine who and what comes in through its gates. I would like to point out that you can’t “watch” your home if you aren’t there or if you’re there but are preoccupied or distracted. Do you know what the weakest gate is? It’s probably in the center of your family room and in several other rooms as well. Does anyone know? It’s the TV. It’s a lion in sheep’s clothing. Be selective in what you choose to view or allow your children to view.
Verses 3-5 say, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks (the NIV says ‘contends’) with his enemies in the gate.”
Someone in battle who has many arrows has an advantage over those who don’t. Children are our arrows for advancing the Gospel. But if your kids aren’t trained in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord” you’ll have a quiver full of duds. We are given an incredible responsibility. Jesus said (in Matthew 12:36) “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak.” How much more will we give an account for what we did with the lives of our children? Don’t look at your children as work, or interruptions to your life. See them as future warriors for God’s Kingdom.
In case you didn’t know it, we are in a battle. Some days it feels like we’re in a battle with our kids. But one day God showed us Ephesians 6:12 “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” We’re not fighting our kids, or shouldn’t be, we’re fighting the enemy for our kids!
So how do we fight for our kids? By training them to spiritual maturity. We said last week that means teaching your kids self-control which is the foundation for becoming wise and responsible. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Training your children in the way they should go according to Eph means in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Let’s look at some ways you may actually be training your children not to be self-controlled. Because we are all training our children, it just may not be according to God’s plan. You may have what Reb refers to as a child-run home. A child run home is one in which you have purposefully or accidentally allowed your children to have a voice in the decisions of running your home. You may have allowed behavior that you have been told is normal. You may be training them incorrectly because you’ve been confused by worldly wisdom and you doubt scripture’s relevancy to your family today. Or because you just don’t know how to apply God’s Word to your daily life as parents. So what are some ways you may have trained your children incorrectly?
Mealtime – Your kitchen feels like Burger King where the kids have it their way. You fix one meal for you and your spouse and another meal for the kids.
Maybe you allow your kids to determine where you go out to eat because they only like certain foods at certain places and you don’t want to deal with the whining, pouting or crying when they don’t get it.
First-time obedience – maybe that’s a foreign term in your home. In a child-run home the child decides when or how he will obey, if at all. He might say, “Just a minute.” Or you may have trained him to wait until you count to 3. If your child can obey when you say “One”, he can obey you as soon as you speak the command. My brother-in-law is a sheriff’s deputy. If someone resists arrest, do you think he tells them he’s going to count to 3 and they had better straighten up? Can you imagine? The guy he’s arresting would laugh in his face. So why do we do this with our children? Don’t we have the same authority?
Decision making – the kids are allowed to complain, whine, and nag until they get what they want or until you lose it. You may often say to others. “I have to pick my battles with him. It’s not worth it.” And your child gets to choose when and what he eats, wears, plays and watches.
Answering “why” – your child does not have to know why they are being asked to do something. When you give a command, if your child asks why and you give them a reason, you have just made them your peer. If you always give reasons to your commands or answer “why”, they will come to believe they are owed an explanation. Some parents justify giving explanations because they think they are teaching their children how to make wise decisions. But remember self-control comes before wisdom. When a child has the self-control to obey respectfully and cheerfully, then you can start giving wisdom behind your commands like: I need you to stay inside while the baby sleeps because she could hear you playing outside her window. Also, if they have shown they can obey without having a reason, they can be permitted to occasionally say, “May I ask why?” But if that becomes a regular occurrence, you may need to restrict that privilege for a time. At any rate, they are not allowed to debate with you and there should still be times when you give no reasons and get no questions.
Yelling – your child only decides to obey when the volume of your voice goes up several decibels and veins are bulging from your neck. You have taught them to obey you when they think you finally mean it. Instead, teach them you mean it when you give them instructions in a kind, calm voice.
Here’s a brief episode witnessed by author Michael Pearl:
I observed a father tell his small boy not to touch a particular object. Having been trained to ignore mild commands, the child picked it up. The father demanded, "Give it to me." The child pretended not to hear. "Did you hear me? [Of course he did] Hand it to Daddy. [With more firmness] Johnnnieee, give it to Daddy, NOW!! [Another decibel higher--hasty--angry] JOHNNY!! Am I going to have to SPANK YOU?" By this time the father became aware of his embarrassing tone. He calmed his voice, and in an attempt to bring it to a conclusion he leaned way out and extended his hand, making it easier for Johnny to comply. Because of the angry voice and burning eyes, Johnny assumed the temporary posture of, "Oh well, there will be another day." But, instead of meeting the humbled, groping father, he held the object in his general direction but down close to his body, forcing the father to advance even farther to retrieve it. The father, looking like a poor peasant receiving his necessary food from some condescending royalty, submitted to the child's humiliation and reached to retrieve the object. And then, in a display of weakness, the father placed it out of the child's reach.
There are 2 points I want to make about this story. The first is that there is no need to repeat, yell or threaten to spank. You can train your children to obey when you speak the first time. Secondly, the father put the object out of reach which does not teach self-control, it only avoids going through the same situation again. Children can also be taught self-control not to touch things that are off-limits.
Another way we fail to teach self-control is by adopting the parenting philosophy that says if you give your child choices, you will 1. avoid a lot of conflict, 2. teach them how to make wise choices, 3. have a child that is so grateful for all the choices they been given that when it is time for you to make a decision, they will gladly give you a turn. The problem is this does not teach self-control and your child will come to believe that they are in charge and you have no right to impose any decision on them. There is a mom in the ACTS class on Wed night who has a 7 year old and who has given her daughter choices. Her pediatrician said her daughter was bright and needed to have lots of choices. But now her daughter at 7 has an attitude that she is as equipped to make adult decisions as her mom. And she doesn’t have the respect for her mother’s authority that she should. You see the whole point of all this self-control talk is like Roddy said last week, so that our children will learn to say no to themselves and yes to God. If you have trouble with authority, you’re going to have trouble with God’s authority in your life.
Repeating yourself – You know you‘ve taught your kids not to obey the first time when you hear yourself saying, “How many times do I have to tell you?” or “I’m not going to tell you again.” Save yourself some time and energy and give instructions one time and expect obedience. If your child can obey the 3rd time, they can obey the first. Usually what happens if you continually have to repeat yourself before your kids obey, is you end up frustrated and angry and you discipline out of aggravation instead of love.
Threatening – “If you don’t _______, I’m gonna_______.” Don’t make threats about what you’re going to do if they don’t do something. If they know what you expect and don’t do it, they are disobeying and need discipline for it.
Bribing – this is a big one. An example would be, “If you are really good at Grandma’s house, I’ll take you get ice cream later.” Bribing is used when parents don’t understand their God-given authority. Offering a treat or money for obedience and good behavior does not teach self-control. I love how Reb puts it on page 58: “Bribing children tells them:
That your word s insufficient motivation to obey.
That they are in charge and you are not.
That you are at their mercy.
That you are not worthy of their respect.”
There is a difference between bribes and rewards. A bribe is offered in order to get the behavior you desire. A reward is given without prior notice. It’s unexpected. Twistie Treat example.
Allowing Excuses - It starts when they are little and we excuse wrong behavior by saying, “Oh, she just needs a nap” or “He’s just tired.” It teaches your children to make excuses for their bad attitudes and misbehavior. An older child who says, “He started it” or “He made me do it” is making excuses and it is wrong. We want to teach our kids to take responsibility for their behavior, not blame the situation or someone else.
Tricking or Manipulating – An example of this would be when it’s time to leave the park. Instead of just saying, “Okay it’s time to go now”, you manipulate them with “Grandma’s coming over. We have to hurry and get home.” Or instead of saying, “It’s bedtime” saying, “Do you want to take the bear or bunny to bed with you?” We used to do this before Reb pointed it out. We wanted to avoid the conflict and so we tried to trick out kids into thinking, “this is a good idea. I get to take something with me to bed.”
When you're getting ready to change activities - especially something your kids are engrossed in, it is very helpful to give a time warning like, "Okay, 5 minutes 'til bedtime." It gives the child time to prepare their minds for what's coming.
Distracting – is another way we are taught to deal with tough situations. Instead of training a child not to touch the tv, we are told to move them or distract them with something else.
Again, the problem with all of these methods is they do not train the child to submit his will to yours. Even Jesus who is equal to God submitted himself to his Father. Luke 22:42 Jesus prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." In John 12:50, he said, “whatever I say is just what the Father has told me to say." John 14:31 “I do exactly what my Father has commanded me.” Who are we supposed to model ourselves after? Christ. We are to strive to be like Jesus. We should teach our children to do the same.
Colossians 3:20 “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Last time I checked everything still meant everything.
So our initial priority is to establish the standard of first-time obedience. In our house that means, we ask our children to do something in a calm voice and we expect them to obey cheerfully, right away, all the way, no matter what. Anything else is disobedience. For example, if I send one of them to their room to clean up, and they go right away but stomp off in protest. That is not obeying cheerfully. If I ask them to go brush their teeth, and they wait until they’ve finished stacking up their Legos, they are not obeying right away. If I send them to put clothes away, but I find the clothes scattered on the closet floor, they have not obeyed all the way. If I tell them to stop running, and they say, “But Iris is chasing me,” they are not obeying no matter what.
Now there are times when they may respectfully appeal. For example, if I send them to brush their teeth not knowing Roddy has already had them brush their teeth, they may say, “Mommy, may I tell you something?” To which I would say, “Sure, what is it?” And they can tell me they’ve already done it. But they have to start to obey first. In other words, I tell them to brush their teeth and they head in the direction of the bathroom before appealing with a respectful attitude.
How do you achieve first-time obedience? Through training and discipline. We believe both are very important. But we also believe that no amount of discipline will make up for a lack of training. By training we mean teaching and practicing right behavior. I want you to think of something you are good at because you have practiced or gone through some kind of training. Athletes train for their sport; musicians practice their instruments; Roddy trains for his job; and children can train for right behavior. We have what we call “training time.” It might be an impromptu 15 minutes whenever the need arises, or it could be 30 minutes scheduled into a weeknight. During our time, we practice the behavior we expect from our kids. For example:
What they’re doing right now is training them to sit quietly and in one spot. We call in quiet-time. The lady who showed it to me has 12 children. She calls it playpen in a purse. Start by having them pick 2 quiet toys or books. Then give them a blanket. Tell them they and their toys have to stay on the blanket. They can’t talk or stand up. If they are younger than 18 months, go around each side of the blanket and tap the carpet saying, “No, no.” Then point to the blanket and say, “Yes.” If a foot or hand or toy comes off the blanket, during the first day of learning it, just put it back and say, “Stay on the blanket.” But after the first day, you may need to give them a swat. Do not engage in conversation. Try it for 5 minutes the first time. Then add 5 minutes each time and build up to however long you need. After about 30 minutes, I will ask if anyone needs a potty break or wants to get a different toy. The first time I tried it, Jackson was 2, Gray was 3 and Emma was 4. When the timer went off, they asked to do it again. This went on for 45 minutes.
We originally started doing this when our house was being built…
We do not use it for punishment. I’ll use it if I need instant peace and quiet – like when I’m trying to fix dinner and my blood sugar is dropping but my blood pressure is rising. We’ve also used it in the car - just without the blankets. And we usually use it to start our “training time.”
You can train them to come to you when you call. For kids over 3, send them to another room and tell them you’re going to call their name. When they hear their name, they need to answer, “Yes, Sir or Yes, Ma’am, I’m coming.” That way you know they’ve heard you. And then they should come right away. Practice several times and praise for a job well done. When you’re finished tell them you expect them to do the same thing the next day.
For younger ones – 18 months or so…put them down on one side of the room and walk to the other side. Then call them. If they don’t come, go over and say, “Daddy called you, I want you to come right away” and lead them to where you were when you called. Now do it again. This time, if they don’t come, go over to where they are, give a little swat on the bottom and say, “Daddy called you; I want you to come right away.” And lead them again to where you were when you called. Continue this until they come to you on their own. And when they do, be sure to lavish them with affection and praise for obeying. By 2 years of age –depending on verbal skills, you can teach them to answer you with “Coming.”
First-time obedience - Tell them you are going ask them to do something and you expect them to answer you with, “Yes, Ma’am or Yes, Mommy.” After they do what you ask, have them come to you and report that they did it and have them ask you if there is anything else they can do to help. Get Gray to show example-have her take something off the chair and put it on the table and report. Again, praise for doing it correctly and send them back to try again if they don’t. We’ll give younger ones simple tasks like: “Will you bring me your blanket please?” And more involved tasks for older ones like: “I want you to go to your room, touch your dresser, pick up a toy, and then give Daddy a kiss.” It can be silly stuff or you can actually get things accomplished like cleaning up a room in the process.
Next week we will continue with ideas for "training time."
This week, read chapters 3 & 4. And try to have some training time. Pick one of the things we talked about to practice with your kids.
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