How do we raise our children to be responsible adults? And what does that even look like? We want to talk about 2 aspects of responsibility.
The first aspect involves accepting personal accountability for one’s own actions. That means training our children to accept the consequences of their actions; not shifting the blame on someone else or trying to lessen the seriousness of their behavior. Whatever the consequence, we can teach them to accept it willingly and without complaint or attitude.
It also means doing for themselves what they can or need to do. If they can dress themselves, get their own water, fix their own cereal, let them. Or if they make a mess or spill something, let them clean it up. If they are too young to do the job completely, they can help you clean it up. And one of the best habits you can help your child develop is putting away whatever they have pulled out.
The second aspect of responsibility involves having faithful and conscientious work habits, characterized by integrity and reliability. How do we develop that part of responsibility? It starts young and requires our example, instruction and lots of practice.
We can teach them to contribute to our family through household chores. When they are old enough to walk, they are old enough to pick up toys and books and put them away. Then as they show ability, you add to that.
About 3 years ago I got a list of Stages of Responsibility and someone gave me the talk about giving your kids chores. I decided I would try it. So I put Emma, who was 5 at the time, in charge of vacuuming the family room. We had a lightweight, self-propelled vacuum so I knew she was capable of handling it. However, this was before I realized my children should not be held to my perfectionist standards. I got so frustrated that she couldn’t vacuum in perfectly straight lines, while just slightly overlapping the rows. Let me just say, “Don’t do this to your children.” Expect them to do their best, not yours. And be patient. It may take time for them to learn how to do something correctly. You might want to practice chores during training time.
Try to put them in your daily schedule. Pick a time each day or week that you can consistently devote to learning and doing chores. We’ve set aside an hour each afternoon for household chores. I started out by making a list of all the household cleaning I wanted to get done each week. Then based on their abilities, I divided up the jobs. Every 6 months we change jobs. Show Chore Handout and Website:
After a few weeks, they get so good at doing their jobs that we can do get 2 days of chores done in 1. By keeping chores for 6 months at a time instead of letting them pick a different chore each week, I do not have to spend time training and retraining every week. After about 3 weeks, they get it down and can do it on their own with occasional checkups and reminders.
There are also daily chores that they all get to do. Morning chores consist of brushing their teeth & hair, making their beds and cleaning up their rooms and getting dressed. They all help empty the dishwasher and clean up after every meal. Even two year olds can put plastic cups and containers away and 3 year olds can sort silverware.
If you’re like some of our friends who are not particular about how laundry is done, you can teach them as young as 5 to do that. Jenny’s a little nutty about laundry and hasn’t given that over to anyone yet. But, she has taught them to sort it into all the different baskets, though. So add chores that you are comfortable with and that can help you out while at the same time teaching them responsibility.
After you set a standard for a chore and you know they are capable of keeping it, then if they don’t do it, consequences should follow. For sloppy work or work that is not completed, have them go back and do it again. If they are lazy or don’t do their work with a good attitude, they may require additional work or have to finish the job while everyone else sits down for the next meal. Missing a meal is reserved for 5 years and up. But they need to know ahead of time that this is a possible consequence. Don’t spring this on them.
Proverbs (20:4) says “The sluggard does not plow in the autumn; he will seek at harvest and have nothing.”
I repeat be sure they know and understand the standard. Be sure they are capable of the standard or evaluate if the standard is too high – like having perfect vacuum lines. Jenny used to want all the kids clothes in their closets organized by season and color. There are just some things that we have to give a little on.
Be careful to determine whether your child is being lazy or needs more training. One of our children does not see the details in his job. So when he was learning how to clean out the car, Jenny would go out to check it and there would be all this stuff on the floor. She’d said, “How do you not see that?” But he honestly didn’t. She had to give him more specific directions instead of just “okay go out and get the toys and trash out of the car.” She had to help him organize his process, “check the floor, check the seats, check under the seats.” It took him a few weeks of being sent back out and taught where to look for things before he finally got it. Know your kids and what they need in order to succeed. Then take the time to help them.
What’s more important than having everything done perfectly is having it done with the right attitude. Teach them that God worked and gave us work. In Genesis it says, “And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.” (Genesis 2:3)
He didn’t put us here to lay back and relax while the earth runs itself, either. I used to think work was part of the fall of man. I think that gives us a good reason not to like it. But even before Eve was around, the Bible says, “The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.” (Genesis 2:15)
So we work. Our children should work too. We can teach them the value and satisfaction of a job well done. In our country we view childhood as the time to get in as much playtime as possible instead of viewing it as preparation for adulthood. So part of training our children to maturity is training them to be responsible through work. Each member of a family should chip in and help out however they can because that’s what families do. If Mommy and Daddy only took care of their laundry and prepared only food for themselves, what would the kids wear or eat. If Daddy or Mommy chose not to go to work because they just didn’t feel like it, what would happen to the family? It’s not an option that at some point kids start helping out. My friend went to Africa last Fall and she was telling us about a village they went to. When they stopped at this one hut they found a four year old babysitting a 2 year old and 6 month old while their mom and dad were working in the field nearby. When the 6 mo old began to cry, the 4 year old took him out to the field to find the mom so she could nurse him and then took him back again. My friend saw many children about 4 years and up carrying around babies in slings on their backs. It’s all about perspective and expectations.
It is so important to teach our children to do their work without complaining, Phil 2:14. And Colossians 3:23 says, “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.” Now as usual, we have to lead by example. That can be tough. I get tired of the laundry and cleaning toilets and picking up clothes and toys. But if they hear you complain, they will do it do. So wash those dishes and change those dirty diapers for the Lord because that is what He’s given you to do.
If you have trouble with their attitudes, remind them what Proverbs says about sluggards: (Proverbs 24:30-34)
I passed by the field of a sluggard, by the vineyard of a man lacking sense,and behold, it was all overgrown with thorns; the ground was covered with nettles, and its stone wall was broken down.Then I saw and considered it; I looked and received instruction.
A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest,and poverty will come upon you like a robber, and want like an armed man
Proverbs 6:6 Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise.
Ask them if they want to be a sluggard or a hard worker?
Go to the Ant… It illustrates the benefits of following the ant’s example and the consequences for laziness. Also in the Wisdom and the Millers book that we showed you last week, one of the chapters has a story about going to the ant. It teaches that the ants have no one who bosses them around they just do what needs to be done without complaining and without bossing anyone else around as well. There is also a story in it from which we got our phrase “Many hands make light work.”
Now if you’re kids are not already doing chores, sit down with them and maybe talk about why chores are important and why all family members should contribute.
To give us some perspective, I want to read this email from Todd Wilson, father of 8. He’s the guy that gave me the Lead Dog illustration. He sends emails to dads encouraging them in their roles as fathers:
"Hey Dad,
I just had to write while the iron is hot. It’s therapeutic for me to blab to 10,000 dads that my children are---how do I say this gently? PIGS!!!! Our children do chores, and they have responsibilities. We train them, we dole out consequences when they don’t do a job well, we work on specifics, and still, they’re PIGS!!!
The mess that (ten) people can create is overwhelming at times. We can work all day cleaning up one area, and then, whal-la, like magic, it’s trashed again within about 13 minutes.
So I’ve decided that instead of banging my head against the wall and lamenting this fact, I’m going to---plot my revenge. Yes, sir, I’m not going to get mad, I’m going to get EVEN.
Here’s what I’ve planned so far: First, I have to wait about 20 years until they’re all grown up and out of the house. Then, I’ll go to each of their houses starting with the oldest and work my way down from there.
After a few minutes of light conversation, I’ll say I have to go to the bathroom. Once there, the revenge will begin as I take a perfectly neat tube of toothpaste and squeeze it all over the edges of the sink and then of course leave the cap off for them to find---behind the toilet.
Then, I’ll do my business, not even trying to hit the toilet, and for good measure, I’ll pull off every towel they own from the towel bars and wad them up on the floor.
Man, this is good.
Later, when I know no one’s looking, I’ll take an entire package of Ritz crackers from the kitchen cupboard, crush them in my hand, and sprinkle them all over the floor. Then, I’ll take a jar of peanut butter and scoop out a big glob with my fingers, smear the entire outside of the jar, put it back in the cupboard---and of course, leave the lid for them to find---behind the toilet.
For my entire visit, I’ll go from room to room making messes just like they used to make…but this is the weird part. You see, I’m confident that the more messes I make in their house, the more saddened I’ll be that they are no longer making messes in my house. I will hate having a spotlessly clean house all the time.
I need to stop and think about that for a while.
Talk about irony. The very things that drive us dads crazy now will be the things we will miss the most later."
Isn’t that true?
I wanted to wrap up what we’ve taught so I wrote A Parent’s Daily Prayer. On the back is a list of the verses used.
We encourage you to take the Biblical Insights ACTS class on Wed nights some time next year. By then you will have more children or the ones you have now will be older and trying new things that you will need a refresher on.
