How do we raise our children to be responsible adults? And what does that even look like? We want to talk about 2 aspects of responsibility.
The first aspect involves accepting personal accountability for one’s own actions. That means training our children to accept the consequences of their actions; not shifting the blame on someone else or trying to lessen the seriousness of their behavior. Whatever the consequence, we can teach them to accept it willingly and without complaint or attitude.
It also means doing for themselves what they can or need to do. If they can dress themselves, get their own water, fix their own cereal, let them. Or if they make a mess or spill something, let them clean it up. If they are too young to do the job completely, they can help you clean it up. And one of the best habits you can help your child develop is putting away whatever they have pulled out.
The second aspect of responsibility involves having faithful and conscientious work habits, characterized by integrity and reliability. How do we develop that part of responsibility? It starts young and requires our example, instruction and lots of practice.
We can teach them to contribute to our family through household chores. When they are old enough to walk, they are old enough to pick up toys and books and put them away. Then as they show ability, you add to that.
About 3 years ago I got a list of Stages of Responsibility and someone gave me the talk about giving your kids chores. I decided I would try it. So I put Emma, who was 5 at the time, in charge of vacuuming the family room. We had a lightweight, self-propelled vacuum so I knew she was capable of handling it. However, this was before I realized my children should not be held to my perfectionist standards. I got so frustrated that she couldn’t vacuum in perfectly straight lines, while just slightly overlapping the rows. Let me just say, “Don’t do this to your children.” Expect them to do their best, not yours. And be patient. It may take time for them to learn how to do something correctly. You might want to practice chores during training time.
Try to put them in your daily schedule. Pick a time each day or week that you can consistently devote to learning and doing chores. We’ve set aside an hour each afternoon for household chores. I started out by making a list of all the household cleaning I wanted to get done each week. Then based on their abilities, I divided up the jobs. Every 6 months we change jobs. Show Chore Handout and Website:
After a few weeks, they get so good at doing their jobs that we can do get 2 days of chores done in 1. By keeping chores for 6 months at a time instead of letting them pick a different chore each week, I do not have to spend time training and retraining every week. After about 3 weeks, they get it down and can do it on their own with occasional checkups and reminders.
There are also daily chores that they all get to do. Morning chores consist of brushing their teeth & hair, making their beds and cleaning up their rooms and getting dressed. They all help empty the dishwasher and clean up after every meal. Even two year olds can put plastic cups and containers away and 3 year olds can sort silverware.
If you’re like some of our friends who are not particular about how laundry is done, you can teach them as young as 5 to do that. Jenny’s a little nutty about laundry and hasn’t given that over to anyone yet. But, she has taught them to sort it into all the different baskets, though. So add chores that you are comfortable with and that can help you out while at the same time teaching them responsibility.
After you set a standard for a chore and you know they are capable of keeping it, then if they don’t do it, consequences should follow. For sloppy work or work that is not completed, have them go back and do it again. If they are lazy or don’t do their work with a good attitude, they may require additional work or have to finish the job while everyone else sits down for the next meal. Missing a meal is reserved for 5 years and up. But they need to know ahead of time that this is a possible consequence. Don’t spring this on them.
Proverbs (20:4) says “The sluggard does not plow in the autumn; he will seek at harvest and have nothing.”
I repeat be sure they know and understand the standard. Be sure they are capable of the standard or evaluate if the standard is too high – like having perfect vacuum lines. Jenny used to want all the kids clothes in their closets organized by season and color. There are just some things that we have to give a little on.
Be careful to determine whether your child is being lazy or needs more training. One of our children does not see the details in his job. So when he was learning how to clean out the car, Jenny would go out to check it and there would be all this stuff on the floor. She’d said, “How do you not see that?” But he honestly didn’t. She had to give him more specific directions instead of just “okay go out and get the toys and trash out of the car.” She had to help him organize his process, “check the floor, check the seats, check under the seats.” It took him a few weeks of being sent back out and taught where to look for things before he finally got it. Know your kids and what they need in order to succeed. Then take the time to help them.
What’s more important than having everything done perfectly is having it done with the right attitude. Teach them that God worked and gave us work. In Genesis it says, “And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.” (Genesis 2:3)
He didn’t put us here to lay back and relax while the earth runs itself, either. I used to think work was part of the fall of man. I think that gives us a good reason not to like it. But even before Eve was around, the Bible says, “The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.” (Genesis 2:15)
So we work. Our children should work too. We can teach them the value and satisfaction of a job well done. In our country we view childhood as the time to get in as much playtime as possible instead of viewing it as preparation for adulthood. So part of training our children to maturity is training them to be responsible through work. Each member of a family should chip in and help out however they can because that’s what families do. If Mommy and Daddy only took care of their laundry and prepared only food for themselves, what would the kids wear or eat. If Daddy or Mommy chose not to go to work because they just didn’t feel like it, what would happen to the family? It’s not an option that at some point kids start helping out. My friend went to Africa last Fall and she was telling us about a village they went to. When they stopped at this one hut they found a four year old babysitting a 2 year old and 6 month old while their mom and dad were working in the field nearby. When the 6 mo old began to cry, the 4 year old took him out to the field to find the mom so she could nurse him and then took him back again. My friend saw many children about 4 years and up carrying around babies in slings on their backs. It’s all about perspective and expectations.
It is so important to teach our children to do their work without complaining, Phil 2:14. And Colossians 3:23 says, “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.” Now as usual, we have to lead by example. That can be tough. I get tired of the laundry and cleaning toilets and picking up clothes and toys. But if they hear you complain, they will do it do. So wash those dishes and change those dirty diapers for the Lord because that is what He’s given you to do.
If you have trouble with their attitudes, remind them what Proverbs says about sluggards: (Proverbs 24:30-34)
I passed by the field of a sluggard, by the vineyard of a man lacking sense,and behold, it was all overgrown with thorns; the ground was covered with nettles, and its stone wall was broken down.Then I saw and considered it; I looked and received instruction.
A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest,and poverty will come upon you like a robber, and want like an armed man
Proverbs 6:6 Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise.
Ask them if they want to be a sluggard or a hard worker?
Go to the Ant… It illustrates the benefits of following the ant’s example and the consequences for laziness. Also in the Wisdom and the Millers book that we showed you last week, one of the chapters has a story about going to the ant. It teaches that the ants have no one who bosses them around they just do what needs to be done without complaining and without bossing anyone else around as well. There is also a story in it from which we got our phrase “Many hands make light work.”
Now if you’re kids are not already doing chores, sit down with them and maybe talk about why chores are important and why all family members should contribute.
To give us some perspective, I want to read this email from Todd Wilson, father of 8. He’s the guy that gave me the Lead Dog illustration. He sends emails to dads encouraging them in their roles as fathers:
"Hey Dad,
I just had to write while the iron is hot. It’s therapeutic for me to blab to 10,000 dads that my children are---how do I say this gently? PIGS!!!! Our children do chores, and they have responsibilities. We train them, we dole out consequences when they don’t do a job well, we work on specifics, and still, they’re PIGS!!!
The mess that (ten) people can create is overwhelming at times. We can work all day cleaning up one area, and then, whal-la, like magic, it’s trashed again within about 13 minutes.
So I’ve decided that instead of banging my head against the wall and lamenting this fact, I’m going to---plot my revenge. Yes, sir, I’m not going to get mad, I’m going to get EVEN.
Here’s what I’ve planned so far: First, I have to wait about 20 years until they’re all grown up and out of the house. Then, I’ll go to each of their houses starting with the oldest and work my way down from there.
After a few minutes of light conversation, I’ll say I have to go to the bathroom. Once there, the revenge will begin as I take a perfectly neat tube of toothpaste and squeeze it all over the edges of the sink and then of course leave the cap off for them to find---behind the toilet.
Then, I’ll do my business, not even trying to hit the toilet, and for good measure, I’ll pull off every towel they own from the towel bars and wad them up on the floor.
Man, this is good.
Later, when I know no one’s looking, I’ll take an entire package of Ritz crackers from the kitchen cupboard, crush them in my hand, and sprinkle them all over the floor. Then, I’ll take a jar of peanut butter and scoop out a big glob with my fingers, smear the entire outside of the jar, put it back in the cupboard---and of course, leave the lid for them to find---behind the toilet.
For my entire visit, I’ll go from room to room making messes just like they used to make…but this is the weird part. You see, I’m confident that the more messes I make in their house, the more saddened I’ll be that they are no longer making messes in my house. I will hate having a spotlessly clean house all the time.
I need to stop and think about that for a while.
Talk about irony. The very things that drive us dads crazy now will be the things we will miss the most later."
Isn’t that true?
I wanted to wrap up what we’ve taught so I wrote A Parent’s Daily Prayer. On the back is a list of the verses used.
We encourage you to take the Biblical Insights ACTS class on Wed nights some time next year. By then you will have more children or the ones you have now will be older and trying new things that you will need a refresher on.
A Parent's Daily Prayer
Lord, I know the wisdom of this world is foolishness to You, but Scripture is breathed out by You and is profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction and for training in righteousness. I have no other source of absolute truth by which I should live my life.
Help me to be an example of love to my children by loving You and others because if I don’t have love, I am nothing. If I don’t discipline, instruct, correct, or encourage in love, I gain nothing. I can choose, despite my feelings, to love with my words and deeds. I can choose to speak and act in kindness, patience and truth. I can choose not to be arrogant, rude, irritable or resentful. I can choose to put others’ interests ahead of my own. Help me, Lord, to bear, believe, hope and endure all things.
I can only do it through Your divine power which has given me everything I need for life and godliness through my knowledge of You, having been called for Your glory and excellence. That knowledge comes through time spent in Your Word and in Your presence trying to discern what pleases You.
You have made my spouse and me one because You are seeking godly offspring. With Your help, I will obey Your Word and raise my children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord so that when they are old they will not depart from it.
Knowing that out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks, help me to look beyond my children’s behavior and seek to restore their hearts. Give me wisdom to determine whether they need correction, discipline, encouragement or instruction.
I will expect first-time obedience and honor so that my children will be blessed by You. When discipline is needed, I ask for strength to restore them in a spirit of gentleness; to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry because my anger will not produce Your righteousness in them.
I will love You, Lord my God, with all my heart, soul and might. I will keep your commands on my heart so that I can diligently teach them to my children when we talk, walk, sit, lie down and rise up. I know that if I want to pass on genuine faith in You to my children, I must not only be a hearer or “preacher” of the Word but a doer also.
Lord, help me to stand firm, letting nothing move me because my labor in the Lord is not in vain. Help me not to grow weary in training or doing good, knowing in due season I will reap a harvest of righteousness and peace in the lives of my children.
Verses from A Parent's Daily Prayer
I Corinthians 3:19a
For the wisdom of this world is folly with God.
II Timothy 3:16
II Timothy 3:16
All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.
Matthew 22:36
Matthew 22:36
And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”
I Corinthians 13:1-7
I Corinthians 13:1-7
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Philippians 2:4
Philippians 2:4
Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
2 Peter 1:3
2 Peter 1:3
His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence.
Ephesians 5:10
Ephesians 5:10
and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.
Malachi 2:15
Malachi 2:15
Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring.
Luke 6:46
Luke 6:46
"Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord,' and not do what I tell you?”
Ephesians 6:4
Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Proverbs 22:6
Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Luke 6:45
Luke 6:45
The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
Ephesians 6:1-3
Ephesians 6:1-3
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land."
Galatians 6:1
Galatians 6:1
…if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.
James 1:19-20
James 1:19-20
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
Deuteronomy 6:5-9
Deuteronomy 6:5-9
You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
James 1:22
James 1:22
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.
I Corinthians 15:58
I Corinthians 15:58
Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.
Galatians 6:9
Galatians 6:9
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.
Hebrews 12:11
Hebrews 12:11
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Loving God and Others, Sibling Rivalry (week 7)
Everything we’ve talked about the last couple of months is for the purpose of teaching our children self-control, wisdom and responsibility. When we do this, we lead our children to a place where they can live out Jesus’ words to love God and others. If you raise children who are obedient and respectful in their actions but not in their hearts, you’re not finished. Reb says it’s like building the foundation of a house and then stopping construction. Chapter 15 goes into great detail about this so please, if you haven’t already, read the rest of the book.
We must model genuine love for God, for them and for others if we want them to do the same.
How do we love God? I John 5:3 "For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome." How do we know the commandments of God? Spending time with Him in prayer and studying His Word.
What about teaching our kids to love others? If we want our kids to love others, we have to show love to them in our words and deeds, with our attitudes and tones. That can be as simple as smiling at them. Be excited to see them, even after naptime when you’re not ready for them to be up yet. Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.” I’d like to add to that, with her own mouth tears it down.
Fill their love tanks by speaking their love language. Love them unconditionally. I can easily put performance over people. This is wrong. Perfect closets, good grades or all-star status means nothing in eternity. Paul says in 1 Cor 13 “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.”
Try to understand them. Romans 15:1 “We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves.” We need to be careful that our expectations are God’s expectations, first of all. Then when we are dealing with our children, practice patience and empathy. If they come to you with an opinion or talk to you about their feelings, don’t automatically correct them by saying, “Well that’s just silly, you shouldn’t worry about that.” They need to feel safe and accepted by you. If they don’t, there will be a time when they will look elsewhere to find acceptance. If you feel you need to talk to them about an issue, you may want to wait until another day. This goes for elementary aged kids and up.
Accept them. We should not compare our kids to their siblings or anyone else. God made your child exactly the way he is for a reason. Our job is not to criticize but help them bring out the strengths of their personalities, temperaments and gifts. Don’t label. They will live up the expectations you set for them. We have had to be very careful not to talk about Charlie in front of him or his siblings by saying he’s the hard one. I don’t want him to live up to that standard.
Growing up I was labeled “opinionated and outspoken.” So I lived up to that. I was rough and not very lady like. What I wasn’t taught was that everyone is opinionated, not everyone shares their opinions. One day when Emma was little I said some things to her that didn’t need saying. Roddy revealed to me a truth that I wish I had known 20 years sooner. He said, “You know you don’t have to say everything you think.” Really? I didn’t know that! I’m so glad he told me.
You see if someone had taken the time to figure out, or help me figure, out that my spiritual gift is prophesy and that it is engrained in my very makeup to tell the truth about life or anything else and had helped me learn a long time ago to speak the truth in love, everyone would have been a lot better off. You can do this for your children. Study them. We all have positives and negatives to our particular characteristics. Ask God to show you how to bring out the positive in your children. How to use the way He made them for His glory. A bossy child can be taught how to be a leader. A strong-willed kid has strong convictions. We are to give the right convictions. Letter from Cece…
Now, the best place for your kids to practice loving others is at home.
Sibling Rivalry is not just a phase of life to be accepted as normal with the hope that it will go away. Children should be just as loving, kind and respectful of each other as you would have them be to their great grandmother. There are a couple of verses that are key when dealing with sibling relationships. Matthew 7:12 So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, and Matthew 22:39b “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Your child’s closest neighbor is their sibling. Almost any dispute or trouble that arises between siblings can be addressed with these two verses. Now there are plenty of other verses but these can cover a lot. When there’s a dispute between them ask them if they are treating each other the way they want to be treated or if they are they showing love to each other.
Letting them work it out…results in the one who is bigger or a better talker winning. Doesn’t teach them to love each other. We need to teach them that.
I used to think I needed to send my kids to school to give them a break from each other so they’d get along better. I’ve learned I just need to teach them to get along better.
Two of our boys were having a hard time getting along with each other. The younger one is not as easy to get along with and the older one would egg him on or just avoid playing with him. I asked the older one if he would want his big brother to treat him the way he was treating his little brother. I also appealed to him on the basis on love. I told him how his little brother looked up to him and loved him and just wanted him to love him back. We prayed together often for his younger brother. I would ask him in the mornings what he could do to show love to him that day. I also corrected the younger one when he was selfish and worked with him to show love to his big brother.
If your children tend to argue back and forth over trying to make their point, ask them if it’s better to be kind or to be right.
We already talked about role-playing to teach your kids how to share but let’s say you’re children are fighting over a toy. Our first instinct is to just say, “Who had it first? Give it back!” and move on. Instead, ask each child, “Who are you putting first?” Of course, they are each putting themselves first. But Philippians 2:4 says, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” I Corinthians 10:24 “Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.” So ask them how they can put the other person first.
What if one child has been playing with a toy and left the room for a minute only to come back to find that another child is now playing with that toy? Instruct the first child how to ask for it back in a calm, polite manner. “I was still playing with that, can I have it back please?” And the second child must give it back and can ask, “Can I have it when you’re finished.” A great thing to teach them is if they know someone was playing with a toy and they put it down, they should ask if they are finished with it before swooping in and taking it.
Teach how to ask to use something that belongs to someone else. What we tell our kids is if they get something for their birthday or Christmas, it is theirs for the day and the others shouldn’t even ask to play with it. After that a sibling must ask to play with someone else’s toy to show respect but the one the toy belongs to should always let them play with it – unless they are actually currently playing with it. Then they can say, “When I’m done with it, I’ll give it to you.”
Teach them how to ask each other to stop doing something. They shouldn’t be allowed to use an unloving tone like: “Stop it!” They should say, “Will you stop, please?” And the other person should respect that request and stop immediately.
Do not allow them to yell at each other or use unkind words or tones with each other. If they do, correct them and help them use the right words in the right way. If one child is having a problem with doing this on a regular basis, like our 3 year old, we spank for it until it greatly improves.
We also spank for hitting, biting, throwing something at the sibling in anger, or name calling.
Teach them how to apologize and to forgive. The earlier you start the better. When an apology is given it should be sincere and not just, “I’m sorry.” It should be, “I’m sorry for…” The other should say, “I forgive you.” And hugs and kisses given. Do not allow a bad attitude to linger.
Teach how to react to an offense. Let’s say a sibling calls another sibling a name or was unkind or hit. Teach them that people hit Jesus. They spit on Him and they called Him all kinds of names but he never hit back or yelled back or became angry with them. I Peter 2:23 When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. 1 Corinthians 4:12 says, “When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly.” Ask you kids how they can be kind back to the one who was unkind to them. Then be sure to talk to the one who was unkind and have them make things right.
If our kids are having an unusually hard time getting along with each other, I’ll call them all in, line them up. Then I’ll have each one take turns looking at each of the other siblings, smiling at them and saying I love you. Then they have to give a hug and kiss to each other.
On birthdays, we go around and each of us takes turns saying what we like most about the birthday boy or girl. You can do this any day. It helps build an appreciation for each other. God puts us in families so we can learn how to relate to different personalities. I did not grow up with an appreciation for my siblings’ differences. So it’s important to me that we talk about how God makes us all different for important reasons. How would every thing get done if we were all good at the same thing. We are each gifted to serve God differently. How boring would it be if we were all the same?
Talk to them about how lucky they are to have brothers or sisters. Not everyone gets to have a brother or sister, right Shelley? Talk about how God picked each person to be a part of your family and families are very special. Proverbs says “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Tell them friends will come and go but brothers and sisters are forever. We teach our kids to always put their siblings before friends or even extended family members like cousins that they think are so cool. This means when they’re playing with others they aren’t allowed to leave their siblings out. If someone says to your daughter, “Let’s not play with the boys” or they say, “No boys allowed” Or visa versa. Teach your kids to say, “No thanks, I don’t want to leave them out.” Also – girls are not yucky nor are boys!
Competition – Teach them how to be good winners and losers. We are happy for the winner and always say congratulations. The winner can’t be overly in your face “I won, I won!!!” Pouting is not allowing when they lose. They should understand that if they always won that would never give anyone else a chance to win. How fun would that be for them if they never won?
They should help each other with whatever they can. Older ones can help younger ones get dressed or put their shoes on. If one is able to cut an apple or slice bread they should do that for those who can’t. Send little ones to ask the bigger ones for help sometimes. Let those who can read, read to siblings. Older ones can help give younger ones baths. This is a big time saver.
Ask them at breakfast what they can do to serve or show love to each other during the day. Encourage them to surprise their sibling by doing a chore for them.
Role-play situations that come up often that you would like to change. Show them the wrong way and the right way. Then have them do it the right way – several times. (Getting in or out of the car)
Teach your kids to look out for each other and protect each other. Boys should be taught to be gentlemen. Hold the door, help carry things, let the girls go first. Girls should be taught to be ladies. Show appreciation for brothers being gentlemen. Let younger brothers be leaders sometimes in making decisions about what they want to play.
There is no magic formula here for producing perfect children. Because they will never be perfect and neither will we. We are utterly dependent on God to guide us through every minute of our lives. We have got to ask Him for wisdom and He says He will give it generously. As long as we are on this earth, we all will sin. We can, however, teach our children that they have a King. A King who is kind and loving, just and patient, all powerful and all knowing, worthy of praise and worthy of fear. They need to know that when they disobey the King there will be consequences. At this age, the consequences will come from Mommy and Daddy. It’s our job to teach them right from wrong. Later in life, consequences for sin will come from God. There will also be blessings for obedience. God is a good King and does not give us commands that are too hard for us. He wants to live in us and there is fruit when we let Him take charge of our lives. Your children have the choice to obey or not – to choose consequences or blessings. But point them to their need for the Savior to help them obey. The Bible commands us to control our tongues and thoughts and other areas of our lives, but we can’t do it in our own strength. We and our children need Jesus!
We must model genuine love for God, for them and for others if we want them to do the same.
How do we love God? I John 5:3 "For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome." How do we know the commandments of God? Spending time with Him in prayer and studying His Word.
What about teaching our kids to love others? If we want our kids to love others, we have to show love to them in our words and deeds, with our attitudes and tones. That can be as simple as smiling at them. Be excited to see them, even after naptime when you’re not ready for them to be up yet. Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.” I’d like to add to that, with her own mouth tears it down.
Fill their love tanks by speaking their love language. Love them unconditionally. I can easily put performance over people. This is wrong. Perfect closets, good grades or all-star status means nothing in eternity. Paul says in 1 Cor 13 “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.”
Try to understand them. Romans 15:1 “We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves.” We need to be careful that our expectations are God’s expectations, first of all. Then when we are dealing with our children, practice patience and empathy. If they come to you with an opinion or talk to you about their feelings, don’t automatically correct them by saying, “Well that’s just silly, you shouldn’t worry about that.” They need to feel safe and accepted by you. If they don’t, there will be a time when they will look elsewhere to find acceptance. If you feel you need to talk to them about an issue, you may want to wait until another day. This goes for elementary aged kids and up.
Accept them. We should not compare our kids to their siblings or anyone else. God made your child exactly the way he is for a reason. Our job is not to criticize but help them bring out the strengths of their personalities, temperaments and gifts. Don’t label. They will live up the expectations you set for them. We have had to be very careful not to talk about Charlie in front of him or his siblings by saying he’s the hard one. I don’t want him to live up to that standard.
Growing up I was labeled “opinionated and outspoken.” So I lived up to that. I was rough and not very lady like. What I wasn’t taught was that everyone is opinionated, not everyone shares their opinions. One day when Emma was little I said some things to her that didn’t need saying. Roddy revealed to me a truth that I wish I had known 20 years sooner. He said, “You know you don’t have to say everything you think.” Really? I didn’t know that! I’m so glad he told me.
You see if someone had taken the time to figure out, or help me figure, out that my spiritual gift is prophesy and that it is engrained in my very makeup to tell the truth about life or anything else and had helped me learn a long time ago to speak the truth in love, everyone would have been a lot better off. You can do this for your children. Study them. We all have positives and negatives to our particular characteristics. Ask God to show you how to bring out the positive in your children. How to use the way He made them for His glory. A bossy child can be taught how to be a leader. A strong-willed kid has strong convictions. We are to give the right convictions. Letter from Cece…
Now, the best place for your kids to practice loving others is at home.
Sibling Rivalry is not just a phase of life to be accepted as normal with the hope that it will go away. Children should be just as loving, kind and respectful of each other as you would have them be to their great grandmother. There are a couple of verses that are key when dealing with sibling relationships. Matthew 7:12 So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, and Matthew 22:39b “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Your child’s closest neighbor is their sibling. Almost any dispute or trouble that arises between siblings can be addressed with these two verses. Now there are plenty of other verses but these can cover a lot. When there’s a dispute between them ask them if they are treating each other the way they want to be treated or if they are they showing love to each other.
Letting them work it out…results in the one who is bigger or a better talker winning. Doesn’t teach them to love each other. We need to teach them that.
I used to think I needed to send my kids to school to give them a break from each other so they’d get along better. I’ve learned I just need to teach them to get along better.
Two of our boys were having a hard time getting along with each other. The younger one is not as easy to get along with and the older one would egg him on or just avoid playing with him. I asked the older one if he would want his big brother to treat him the way he was treating his little brother. I also appealed to him on the basis on love. I told him how his little brother looked up to him and loved him and just wanted him to love him back. We prayed together often for his younger brother. I would ask him in the mornings what he could do to show love to him that day. I also corrected the younger one when he was selfish and worked with him to show love to his big brother.
If your children tend to argue back and forth over trying to make their point, ask them if it’s better to be kind or to be right.
We already talked about role-playing to teach your kids how to share but let’s say you’re children are fighting over a toy. Our first instinct is to just say, “Who had it first? Give it back!” and move on. Instead, ask each child, “Who are you putting first?” Of course, they are each putting themselves first. But Philippians 2:4 says, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” I Corinthians 10:24 “Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.” So ask them how they can put the other person first.
What if one child has been playing with a toy and left the room for a minute only to come back to find that another child is now playing with that toy? Instruct the first child how to ask for it back in a calm, polite manner. “I was still playing with that, can I have it back please?” And the second child must give it back and can ask, “Can I have it when you’re finished.” A great thing to teach them is if they know someone was playing with a toy and they put it down, they should ask if they are finished with it before swooping in and taking it.
Teach how to ask to use something that belongs to someone else. What we tell our kids is if they get something for their birthday or Christmas, it is theirs for the day and the others shouldn’t even ask to play with it. After that a sibling must ask to play with someone else’s toy to show respect but the one the toy belongs to should always let them play with it – unless they are actually currently playing with it. Then they can say, “When I’m done with it, I’ll give it to you.”
Teach them how to ask each other to stop doing something. They shouldn’t be allowed to use an unloving tone like: “Stop it!” They should say, “Will you stop, please?” And the other person should respect that request and stop immediately.
Do not allow them to yell at each other or use unkind words or tones with each other. If they do, correct them and help them use the right words in the right way. If one child is having a problem with doing this on a regular basis, like our 3 year old, we spank for it until it greatly improves.
We also spank for hitting, biting, throwing something at the sibling in anger, or name calling.
Teach them how to apologize and to forgive. The earlier you start the better. When an apology is given it should be sincere and not just, “I’m sorry.” It should be, “I’m sorry for…” The other should say, “I forgive you.” And hugs and kisses given. Do not allow a bad attitude to linger.
Teach how to react to an offense. Let’s say a sibling calls another sibling a name or was unkind or hit. Teach them that people hit Jesus. They spit on Him and they called Him all kinds of names but he never hit back or yelled back or became angry with them. I Peter 2:23 When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. 1 Corinthians 4:12 says, “When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly.” Ask you kids how they can be kind back to the one who was unkind to them. Then be sure to talk to the one who was unkind and have them make things right.
If our kids are having an unusually hard time getting along with each other, I’ll call them all in, line them up. Then I’ll have each one take turns looking at each of the other siblings, smiling at them and saying I love you. Then they have to give a hug and kiss to each other.
On birthdays, we go around and each of us takes turns saying what we like most about the birthday boy or girl. You can do this any day. It helps build an appreciation for each other. God puts us in families so we can learn how to relate to different personalities. I did not grow up with an appreciation for my siblings’ differences. So it’s important to me that we talk about how God makes us all different for important reasons. How would every thing get done if we were all good at the same thing. We are each gifted to serve God differently. How boring would it be if we were all the same?
Talk to them about how lucky they are to have brothers or sisters. Not everyone gets to have a brother or sister, right Shelley? Talk about how God picked each person to be a part of your family and families are very special. Proverbs says “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Tell them friends will come and go but brothers and sisters are forever. We teach our kids to always put their siblings before friends or even extended family members like cousins that they think are so cool. This means when they’re playing with others they aren’t allowed to leave their siblings out. If someone says to your daughter, “Let’s not play with the boys” or they say, “No boys allowed” Or visa versa. Teach your kids to say, “No thanks, I don’t want to leave them out.” Also – girls are not yucky nor are boys!
Competition – Teach them how to be good winners and losers. We are happy for the winner and always say congratulations. The winner can’t be overly in your face “I won, I won!!!” Pouting is not allowing when they lose. They should understand that if they always won that would never give anyone else a chance to win. How fun would that be for them if they never won?
They should help each other with whatever they can. Older ones can help younger ones get dressed or put their shoes on. If one is able to cut an apple or slice bread they should do that for those who can’t. Send little ones to ask the bigger ones for help sometimes. Let those who can read, read to siblings. Older ones can help give younger ones baths. This is a big time saver.
Ask them at breakfast what they can do to serve or show love to each other during the day. Encourage them to surprise their sibling by doing a chore for them.
Role-play situations that come up often that you would like to change. Show them the wrong way and the right way. Then have them do it the right way – several times. (Getting in or out of the car)
Teach your kids to look out for each other and protect each other. Boys should be taught to be gentlemen. Hold the door, help carry things, let the girls go first. Girls should be taught to be ladies. Show appreciation for brothers being gentlemen. Let younger brothers be leaders sometimes in making decisions about what they want to play.
There is no magic formula here for producing perfect children. Because they will never be perfect and neither will we. We are utterly dependent on God to guide us through every minute of our lives. We have got to ask Him for wisdom and He says He will give it generously. As long as we are on this earth, we all will sin. We can, however, teach our children that they have a King. A King who is kind and loving, just and patient, all powerful and all knowing, worthy of praise and worthy of fear. They need to know that when they disobey the King there will be consequences. At this age, the consequences will come from Mommy and Daddy. It’s our job to teach them right from wrong. Later in life, consequences for sin will come from God. There will also be blessings for obedience. God is a good King and does not give us commands that are too hard for us. He wants to live in us and there is fruit when we let Him take charge of our lives. Your children have the choice to obey or not – to choose consequences or blessings. But point them to their need for the Savior to help them obey. The Bible commands us to control our tongues and thoughts and other areas of our lives, but we can’t do it in our own strength. We and our children need Jesus!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)