As parents, we are instructed by God to train our children up.
Proverbs says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Ephesians says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Some of the areas of training that we discuss include teaching your children right behavior and practicing it, instructing them in God’s Word, encouraging right behavior, and correcting wrong behavior by getting to the heart of the matter and giving out consequences for disobedience.
Teaching right behavior and then practicing it is what we call training time. There are two ways to have training time. One way is to schedule 15-30 minutes to work on areas that you feel could use some improvement. You could make it an “every Thursday at 7 o’clock” thing. You explain what you expect from them and then give them a chance to practice it. We gave an example last week of teaching walking aged kids how you want them to answer and come to you when you call them; or how you want them to answer you and report when you’ve asked them to do something. A few other ideas are…..list (if you need a copy of the training ideas and ages list, please let me know.)
You can practice going to the grocery store. Talk about how you want them to hold hands from the car to the shopping cart. Let them know that when you go to the store, you have a list of the things you need and they are not allowed to ask for anything. One of those nanny shows would have you cut out pictures of everything on your list and have your child help you shop. Not only is that a lot of work but it’s really a means of distraction. You’re just trying to keep them occupied and avoid them being bored. They can learn that life is boring and you’re just there to help them get used to it. Also, practice how you expect them to act in line. Be sure to let them know during your training time that if they do not follow through when you are at the store, there will be a consequence. Do not bribe them. If you have to leave a whole shopping cart of food sitting in the store while you go out to the car to discipline, do it. This will make an impact. If they do well, praise them and thank them for showing love to Mommy by being respectful and obedient.
Whatever you are having trouble with, practice it at home. You can role-play during “training time.” We role-play to show them the wrong way to act and then show the right behavior that we expect. We’re going to show you how we would do this:
Taking a toy – Both wrong One wrong – one right Both right
Friend’s email: I have to be honest - but I thought the whole idea of role playing was a bit silly. But after this afternoon - I'm lovin it! We had to put our library books and movies back because [my 5-yr-old] disobeyed me and went back to the puppets and proceeded to growl again and shout. He got a spanking - then we put everything back. So after lunch - we role played how we behave in the library. And it just so happened that [the baby] was "shouting" while [my 5-yr-old] was trying to read me something and he didn't appreciate it - great tie in!Anyway he loved it - "can we do it again" I swear we did it some umpteen times - the "bad way" AND the "good way".
Role-playing is a great way to show the kids how they look when they are acting selfish and sinful and it makes an impact to then show them the right way.
The second type of training time is impromptu – or when the need arises. You lay your one year old down to change her diaper and she squirms and fusses to get away. Train her to be still by holding her still and saying, “Be still”. If she disobeys, she gets a swat and you tell her again to be still. If she isn’t squirming but is protesting, you would say, “No fussing.” If she doesn’t stop, she gets a swat and another “No fussing”.
What if your son reaches for something on the coffee table that he should not have? Instead of removing him or the object, what if you decided to train him not to touch it. As he reaches for the object say, “No touching” and move his hand away. If he reaches for it again, swat his hand and say again, “No touching”. Continue until he submits his will to yours and he can stand there without touching it. Redirecting him to something else is distraction and it does not teach self-control.
You may be thinking, “But wouldn’t it just be easier to move him or rearrange the house?” Actually, no. Remember, you don’t have to child-proof your house, when you house-proof your child. And when you go somewhere else, you won’t have to rearrange your host’s house or follow the children around constantly checking what they are getting into.
What about the child who tries to remove your glasses. Instead of turning her around so she can’t get to them, what if you train her not to touch them at all? Go through the same routine. “No touching.” And if she does it again, swat her hand and repeat your instructions.
Someone had a great question last week about using the word “No”. She had heard not to use it for everyday occurrences because of its negative connation, and to only use it in dangerous situations. But if you said, “leave it” instead of “No” it’s all the same to a toddler. No is no more negative than any other word. It is simply part of a command. For me, I always used a more urgent no for dangerous situations like sticking things in the outlets. What you can do to counter the fact that you may be using it a lot is by saying “Yes” when they reach for something they can have. And Yes, good job obeying when they stand at the coffee table looking at the off-limits item but not touching it.
Impromtu training is not just reserved for the littlest ones. One Sunday I was headed out to the car after church with all the kids. Roddy’s usually with me but for some reason he wasn’t on this day. I had my hands full with Bibles and craft projects and Iris wanting to be held. The big kids ran ahead and stopped to wait before going across the parking lot, but Charlie started to run out. So I called for him to stop and he did. After we crossed the first line of traffic and made it to the first row of parked cars, we needed to turn left but I had to put Iris down to reposition everything I was carrying. Well she fussed at me while at the same time Charlie started to go across traffic without even looking. So I grab his collar to pull him out of the way of the oncoming car and he fussed at me. We finally got to the car just about the time Roddy got there. But instead of everyone loading up and getting the heck out of there, I decided we should have some training on how to walk out to the car together. I explained to them how I expected them to walk beside us and without being held and we were going to practice it. So we walked together back into the E2 building and then out to the car again.
Another Sunday night we were walking to my parents’ church which is on the property behind our house. It’s separated by woods so we had a few minutes. I decided to talk to the kids about how Roddy is the leader of our home and we should follow his lead. To illustrate, I had the kids line up and play follow-the-leader. Now, we can say, “Follow the leader” and they line up behind Roddy.
If we invest time in training - *teaching and practicing right behavior – we will spare ourselves and our children a lot of unnecessary discipline time. I don’t mean it will cut it out altogether but it will minimize it.
That leads us to another part of “bringing our children up” which is discipline. What do we mean by discipline? On dictionary.com, Discipline had 12 descriptions. For the purposes of this discussion, we will define discipline as consequences given in order to train in self-control.
Now let’s talk about the when, why and how of discipline. Discipline is reserved for disobedience. There are 2 types of disobedience: thoughtless disobedience and willful disobedience. Thoughtless disobedience means your child broke a rule but had no intention of breaking it. It may have been an accident. They put no thought behind it. It was completely unplanned.
Consequences for thoughtless disobedience should relate to the offense. Don’t take away TV time because they broke something. Require restitution. They can either help you clean it up and fix it or use their money to buy a new one.
Let’s say you’ve told the kids not to slam the back door when they go out to play. This is a known rule in your house. But one of the kids in their excitement runs out the back door and thoughtlessly slams it. They weren’t thinking. They were just childish. A consequence could be having them come back and practice several times going in and out shutting the door the right way. Our kids often forget to shut the door at all. So we’ll have them come back and do the same thing.
Another example of thoughtless disobedience would be if you ask them to play quietly because someone is sleeping. They thoughtlessly forget and start playing loudly. You could take away their privilege to talk for a few minutes or take away the toy that was the accomplice in the noise making.
Complaining about food or playing at the table could get them the loss of a meal. It can then be served to them again at the next meal. There are 2 verses that we wanted to share when thinking about what your standards will be at mealtime: Phil 2:14 Do all things without grumbling or questioning, and Luke 6:31 And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. You decide how you will deal with mealtime. According to Phil. we should teach our children not to complain – not only about food but anything. And according to Luke, we should teach them to think about how they would feel if someone complained about something they worked hard to prepare. Our mealtime rule is: be thankful for what you are given. If they don’t want to eat it, we put it in the fridge for the next meal. If it is something they have never had before, they have to take as many bites as they are old.
Consequences for thoughtless disobedience should take into account the situation as well as the child’s age. If your 2 year old starts running through the house, you might go to her and say, “No running in the house. You may walk.” If she starts running within minutes of that, you would spank her because she was just told what you expected and disobeyed. If you had to correct her several times throughout the day, you’d give her a spanking, too. But, if you told her once 2 days ago, because of her young age, you might just correct her again. With older ones 4 and up, set the standard and let them know the consequence. Then follow through consistently
Also, look at their hearts. Let’s say we’re sitting at dinner and we’ve just told Charlie to sit in his seat. If Iris drops her spoon and he jumps down to get it, he is serving and loving his sister. We would praise him for being such a kind big brother and if needed direct him back to his seat.
We ran out of time at this point. Next week we will go over Willful Disobedience and the consequences for that. Try to read through chapter 6 this week.
Verses for week 3
Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Phil 2:14
Do all things without grumbling or questioning.
Luke 6:31
And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.
Arrows, Incorrect Training, "Training Time" (week 2)
Blessings of training...our evening with 10 kids and 4 adults.
Romans 5:12 says “Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned—.” Children are not born good and then turn bad. They are born sinners. Sin is natural. Which means, we shouldn’t be surprised or angry when they disobey, throw temper tantrums or act selfishly. It would be unnatural for them not to. But when sin is not corrected it becomes habit. If you allow your children to sin without exercising your God-given parental authority to “train them up” you are not only sinning against them, but God as well.
We talked last week about how worldly wisdom can cloud our minds to the Truth. The Bible says, “For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight.” It says, “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD.” And Jesus said, “You shall worship the Lord your God and him only shall you serve.”
Unfortunately, worldly wisdom is a lot more prevalent than God’s wisdom. And if you hear it or read it enough, you start to believe it. Our prayer for you is that you will let the Holy Spirit show you what is true because the enemy is subtle. He will lie to you. He’s the father of lies. He will try to confuse you and get you to doubt what God’s Word says. He wants to destroy your family and your effectiveness for Christ! Peter said “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him …” (1 Peter 5:8-9a).
Turn to Psalm 127. Verse 1 says, “Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.” Right there is a big red flag telling us that if you aren’t allowing God to direct your family, your home will be weak and ineffective at best. “…Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain..” Did you know that as parents you are the watchmen of your home? You determine who and what comes in through its gates. I would like to point out that you can’t “watch” your home if you aren’t there or if you’re there but are preoccupied or distracted. Do you know what the weakest gate is? It’s probably in the center of your family room and in several other rooms as well. Does anyone know? It’s the TV. It’s a lion in sheep’s clothing. Be selective in what you choose to view or allow your children to view.
Verses 3-5 say, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks (the NIV says ‘contends’) with his enemies in the gate.”
Someone in battle who has many arrows has an advantage over those who don’t. Children are our arrows for advancing the Gospel. But if your kids aren’t trained in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord” you’ll have a quiver full of duds. We are given an incredible responsibility. Jesus said (in Matthew 12:36) “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak.” How much more will we give an account for what we did with the lives of our children? Don’t look at your children as work, or interruptions to your life. See them as future warriors for God’s Kingdom.
In case you didn’t know it, we are in a battle. Some days it feels like we’re in a battle with our kids. But one day God showed us Ephesians 6:12 “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” We’re not fighting our kids, or shouldn’t be, we’re fighting the enemy for our kids!
So how do we fight for our kids? By training them to spiritual maturity. We said last week that means teaching your kids self-control which is the foundation for becoming wise and responsible. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Training your children in the way they should go according to Eph means in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Let’s look at some ways you may actually be training your children not to be self-controlled. Because we are all training our children, it just may not be according to God’s plan. You may have what Reb refers to as a child-run home. A child run home is one in which you have purposefully or accidentally allowed your children to have a voice in the decisions of running your home. You may have allowed behavior that you have been told is normal. You may be training them incorrectly because you’ve been confused by worldly wisdom and you doubt scripture’s relevancy to your family today. Or because you just don’t know how to apply God’s Word to your daily life as parents. So what are some ways you may have trained your children incorrectly?
Mealtime – Your kitchen feels like Burger King where the kids have it their way. You fix one meal for you and your spouse and another meal for the kids.
Maybe you allow your kids to determine where you go out to eat because they only like certain foods at certain places and you don’t want to deal with the whining, pouting or crying when they don’t get it.
First-time obedience – maybe that’s a foreign term in your home. In a child-run home the child decides when or how he will obey, if at all. He might say, “Just a minute.” Or you may have trained him to wait until you count to 3. If your child can obey when you say “One”, he can obey you as soon as you speak the command. My brother-in-law is a sheriff’s deputy. If someone resists arrest, do you think he tells them he’s going to count to 3 and they had better straighten up? Can you imagine? The guy he’s arresting would laugh in his face. So why do we do this with our children? Don’t we have the same authority?
Decision making – the kids are allowed to complain, whine, and nag until they get what they want or until you lose it. You may often say to others. “I have to pick my battles with him. It’s not worth it.” And your child gets to choose when and what he eats, wears, plays and watches.
Answering “why” – your child does not have to know why they are being asked to do something. When you give a command, if your child asks why and you give them a reason, you have just made them your peer. If you always give reasons to your commands or answer “why”, they will come to believe they are owed an explanation. Some parents justify giving explanations because they think they are teaching their children how to make wise decisions. But remember self-control comes before wisdom. When a child has the self-control to obey respectfully and cheerfully, then you can start giving wisdom behind your commands like: I need you to stay inside while the baby sleeps because she could hear you playing outside her window. Also, if they have shown they can obey without having a reason, they can be permitted to occasionally say, “May I ask why?” But if that becomes a regular occurrence, you may need to restrict that privilege for a time. At any rate, they are not allowed to debate with you and there should still be times when you give no reasons and get no questions.
Yelling – your child only decides to obey when the volume of your voice goes up several decibels and veins are bulging from your neck. You have taught them to obey you when they think you finally mean it. Instead, teach them you mean it when you give them instructions in a kind, calm voice.
Here’s a brief episode witnessed by author Michael Pearl:
I observed a father tell his small boy not to touch a particular object. Having been trained to ignore mild commands, the child picked it up. The father demanded, "Give it to me." The child pretended not to hear. "Did you hear me? [Of course he did] Hand it to Daddy. [With more firmness] Johnnnieee, give it to Daddy, NOW!! [Another decibel higher--hasty--angry] JOHNNY!! Am I going to have to SPANK YOU?" By this time the father became aware of his embarrassing tone. He calmed his voice, and in an attempt to bring it to a conclusion he leaned way out and extended his hand, making it easier for Johnny to comply. Because of the angry voice and burning eyes, Johnny assumed the temporary posture of, "Oh well, there will be another day." But, instead of meeting the humbled, groping father, he held the object in his general direction but down close to his body, forcing the father to advance even farther to retrieve it. The father, looking like a poor peasant receiving his necessary food from some condescending royalty, submitted to the child's humiliation and reached to retrieve the object. And then, in a display of weakness, the father placed it out of the child's reach.
There are 2 points I want to make about this story. The first is that there is no need to repeat, yell or threaten to spank. You can train your children to obey when you speak the first time. Secondly, the father put the object out of reach which does not teach self-control, it only avoids going through the same situation again. Children can also be taught self-control not to touch things that are off-limits.
Another way we fail to teach self-control is by adopting the parenting philosophy that says if you give your child choices, you will 1. avoid a lot of conflict, 2. teach them how to make wise choices, 3. have a child that is so grateful for all the choices they been given that when it is time for you to make a decision, they will gladly give you a turn. The problem is this does not teach self-control and your child will come to believe that they are in charge and you have no right to impose any decision on them. There is a mom in the ACTS class on Wed night who has a 7 year old and who has given her daughter choices. Her pediatrician said her daughter was bright and needed to have lots of choices. But now her daughter at 7 has an attitude that she is as equipped to make adult decisions as her mom. And she doesn’t have the respect for her mother’s authority that she should. You see the whole point of all this self-control talk is like Roddy said last week, so that our children will learn to say no to themselves and yes to God. If you have trouble with authority, you’re going to have trouble with God’s authority in your life.
Repeating yourself – You know you‘ve taught your kids not to obey the first time when you hear yourself saying, “How many times do I have to tell you?” or “I’m not going to tell you again.” Save yourself some time and energy and give instructions one time and expect obedience. If your child can obey the 3rd time, they can obey the first. Usually what happens if you continually have to repeat yourself before your kids obey, is you end up frustrated and angry and you discipline out of aggravation instead of love.
Threatening – “If you don’t _______, I’m gonna_______.” Don’t make threats about what you’re going to do if they don’t do something. If they know what you expect and don’t do it, they are disobeying and need discipline for it.
Bribing – this is a big one. An example would be, “If you are really good at Grandma’s house, I’ll take you get ice cream later.” Bribing is used when parents don’t understand their God-given authority. Offering a treat or money for obedience and good behavior does not teach self-control. I love how Reb puts it on page 58: “Bribing children tells them:
That your word s insufficient motivation to obey.
That they are in charge and you are not.
That you are at their mercy.
That you are not worthy of their respect.”
There is a difference between bribes and rewards. A bribe is offered in order to get the behavior you desire. A reward is given without prior notice. It’s unexpected. Twistie Treat example.
Allowing Excuses - It starts when they are little and we excuse wrong behavior by saying, “Oh, she just needs a nap” or “He’s just tired.” It teaches your children to make excuses for their bad attitudes and misbehavior. An older child who says, “He started it” or “He made me do it” is making excuses and it is wrong. We want to teach our kids to take responsibility for their behavior, not blame the situation or someone else.
Tricking or Manipulating – An example of this would be when it’s time to leave the park. Instead of just saying, “Okay it’s time to go now”, you manipulate them with “Grandma’s coming over. We have to hurry and get home.” Or instead of saying, “It’s bedtime” saying, “Do you want to take the bear or bunny to bed with you?” We used to do this before Reb pointed it out. We wanted to avoid the conflict and so we tried to trick out kids into thinking, “this is a good idea. I get to take something with me to bed.”
When you're getting ready to change activities - especially something your kids are engrossed in, it is very helpful to give a time warning like, "Okay, 5 minutes 'til bedtime." It gives the child time to prepare their minds for what's coming.
Distracting – is another way we are taught to deal with tough situations. Instead of training a child not to touch the tv, we are told to move them or distract them with something else.
Again, the problem with all of these methods is they do not train the child to submit his will to yours. Even Jesus who is equal to God submitted himself to his Father. Luke 22:42 Jesus prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." In John 12:50, he said, “whatever I say is just what the Father has told me to say." John 14:31 “I do exactly what my Father has commanded me.” Who are we supposed to model ourselves after? Christ. We are to strive to be like Jesus. We should teach our children to do the same.
Colossians 3:20 “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Last time I checked everything still meant everything.
So our initial priority is to establish the standard of first-time obedience. In our house that means, we ask our children to do something in a calm voice and we expect them to obey cheerfully, right away, all the way, no matter what. Anything else is disobedience. For example, if I send one of them to their room to clean up, and they go right away but stomp off in protest. That is not obeying cheerfully. If I ask them to go brush their teeth, and they wait until they’ve finished stacking up their Legos, they are not obeying right away. If I send them to put clothes away, but I find the clothes scattered on the closet floor, they have not obeyed all the way. If I tell them to stop running, and they say, “But Iris is chasing me,” they are not obeying no matter what.
Now there are times when they may respectfully appeal. For example, if I send them to brush their teeth not knowing Roddy has already had them brush their teeth, they may say, “Mommy, may I tell you something?” To which I would say, “Sure, what is it?” And they can tell me they’ve already done it. But they have to start to obey first. In other words, I tell them to brush their teeth and they head in the direction of the bathroom before appealing with a respectful attitude.
How do you achieve first-time obedience? Through training and discipline. We believe both are very important. But we also believe that no amount of discipline will make up for a lack of training. By training we mean teaching and practicing right behavior. I want you to think of something you are good at because you have practiced or gone through some kind of training. Athletes train for their sport; musicians practice their instruments; Roddy trains for his job; and children can train for right behavior. We have what we call “training time.” It might be an impromptu 15 minutes whenever the need arises, or it could be 30 minutes scheduled into a weeknight. During our time, we practice the behavior we expect from our kids. For example:
What they’re doing right now is training them to sit quietly and in one spot. We call in quiet-time. The lady who showed it to me has 12 children. She calls it playpen in a purse. Start by having them pick 2 quiet toys or books. Then give them a blanket. Tell them they and their toys have to stay on the blanket. They can’t talk or stand up. If they are younger than 18 months, go around each side of the blanket and tap the carpet saying, “No, no.” Then point to the blanket and say, “Yes.” If a foot or hand or toy comes off the blanket, during the first day of learning it, just put it back and say, “Stay on the blanket.” But after the first day, you may need to give them a swat. Do not engage in conversation. Try it for 5 minutes the first time. Then add 5 minutes each time and build up to however long you need. After about 30 minutes, I will ask if anyone needs a potty break or wants to get a different toy. The first time I tried it, Jackson was 2, Gray was 3 and Emma was 4. When the timer went off, they asked to do it again. This went on for 45 minutes.
We originally started doing this when our house was being built…
We do not use it for punishment. I’ll use it if I need instant peace and quiet – like when I’m trying to fix dinner and my blood sugar is dropping but my blood pressure is rising. We’ve also used it in the car - just without the blankets. And we usually use it to start our “training time.”
You can train them to come to you when you call. For kids over 3, send them to another room and tell them you’re going to call their name. When they hear their name, they need to answer, “Yes, Sir or Yes, Ma’am, I’m coming.” That way you know they’ve heard you. And then they should come right away. Practice several times and praise for a job well done. When you’re finished tell them you expect them to do the same thing the next day.
For younger ones – 18 months or so…put them down on one side of the room and walk to the other side. Then call them. If they don’t come, go over and say, “Daddy called you, I want you to come right away” and lead them to where you were when you called. Now do it again. This time, if they don’t come, go over to where they are, give a little swat on the bottom and say, “Daddy called you; I want you to come right away.” And lead them again to where you were when you called. Continue this until they come to you on their own. And when they do, be sure to lavish them with affection and praise for obeying. By 2 years of age –depending on verbal skills, you can teach them to answer you with “Coming.”
First-time obedience - Tell them you are going ask them to do something and you expect them to answer you with, “Yes, Ma’am or Yes, Mommy.” After they do what you ask, have them come to you and report that they did it and have them ask you if there is anything else they can do to help. Get Gray to show example-have her take something off the chair and put it on the table and report. Again, praise for doing it correctly and send them back to try again if they don’t. We’ll give younger ones simple tasks like: “Will you bring me your blanket please?” And more involved tasks for older ones like: “I want you to go to your room, touch your dresser, pick up a toy, and then give Daddy a kiss.” It can be silly stuff or you can actually get things accomplished like cleaning up a room in the process.
Next week we will continue with ideas for "training time."
This week, read chapters 3 & 4. And try to have some training time. Pick one of the things we talked about to practice with your kids.
Romans 5:12 says “Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned—.” Children are not born good and then turn bad. They are born sinners. Sin is natural. Which means, we shouldn’t be surprised or angry when they disobey, throw temper tantrums or act selfishly. It would be unnatural for them not to. But when sin is not corrected it becomes habit. If you allow your children to sin without exercising your God-given parental authority to “train them up” you are not only sinning against them, but God as well.
We talked last week about how worldly wisdom can cloud our minds to the Truth. The Bible says, “For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight.” It says, “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD.” And Jesus said, “You shall worship the Lord your God and him only shall you serve.”
Unfortunately, worldly wisdom is a lot more prevalent than God’s wisdom. And if you hear it or read it enough, you start to believe it. Our prayer for you is that you will let the Holy Spirit show you what is true because the enemy is subtle. He will lie to you. He’s the father of lies. He will try to confuse you and get you to doubt what God’s Word says. He wants to destroy your family and your effectiveness for Christ! Peter said “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him …” (1 Peter 5:8-9a).
Turn to Psalm 127. Verse 1 says, “Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.” Right there is a big red flag telling us that if you aren’t allowing God to direct your family, your home will be weak and ineffective at best. “…Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain..” Did you know that as parents you are the watchmen of your home? You determine who and what comes in through its gates. I would like to point out that you can’t “watch” your home if you aren’t there or if you’re there but are preoccupied or distracted. Do you know what the weakest gate is? It’s probably in the center of your family room and in several other rooms as well. Does anyone know? It’s the TV. It’s a lion in sheep’s clothing. Be selective in what you choose to view or allow your children to view.
Verses 3-5 say, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks (the NIV says ‘contends’) with his enemies in the gate.”
Someone in battle who has many arrows has an advantage over those who don’t. Children are our arrows for advancing the Gospel. But if your kids aren’t trained in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord” you’ll have a quiver full of duds. We are given an incredible responsibility. Jesus said (in Matthew 12:36) “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak.” How much more will we give an account for what we did with the lives of our children? Don’t look at your children as work, or interruptions to your life. See them as future warriors for God’s Kingdom.
In case you didn’t know it, we are in a battle. Some days it feels like we’re in a battle with our kids. But one day God showed us Ephesians 6:12 “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” We’re not fighting our kids, or shouldn’t be, we’re fighting the enemy for our kids!
So how do we fight for our kids? By training them to spiritual maturity. We said last week that means teaching your kids self-control which is the foundation for becoming wise and responsible. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Training your children in the way they should go according to Eph means in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Let’s look at some ways you may actually be training your children not to be self-controlled. Because we are all training our children, it just may not be according to God’s plan. You may have what Reb refers to as a child-run home. A child run home is one in which you have purposefully or accidentally allowed your children to have a voice in the decisions of running your home. You may have allowed behavior that you have been told is normal. You may be training them incorrectly because you’ve been confused by worldly wisdom and you doubt scripture’s relevancy to your family today. Or because you just don’t know how to apply God’s Word to your daily life as parents. So what are some ways you may have trained your children incorrectly?
Mealtime – Your kitchen feels like Burger King where the kids have it their way. You fix one meal for you and your spouse and another meal for the kids.
Maybe you allow your kids to determine where you go out to eat because they only like certain foods at certain places and you don’t want to deal with the whining, pouting or crying when they don’t get it.
First-time obedience – maybe that’s a foreign term in your home. In a child-run home the child decides when or how he will obey, if at all. He might say, “Just a minute.” Or you may have trained him to wait until you count to 3. If your child can obey when you say “One”, he can obey you as soon as you speak the command. My brother-in-law is a sheriff’s deputy. If someone resists arrest, do you think he tells them he’s going to count to 3 and they had better straighten up? Can you imagine? The guy he’s arresting would laugh in his face. So why do we do this with our children? Don’t we have the same authority?
Decision making – the kids are allowed to complain, whine, and nag until they get what they want or until you lose it. You may often say to others. “I have to pick my battles with him. It’s not worth it.” And your child gets to choose when and what he eats, wears, plays and watches.
Answering “why” – your child does not have to know why they are being asked to do something. When you give a command, if your child asks why and you give them a reason, you have just made them your peer. If you always give reasons to your commands or answer “why”, they will come to believe they are owed an explanation. Some parents justify giving explanations because they think they are teaching their children how to make wise decisions. But remember self-control comes before wisdom. When a child has the self-control to obey respectfully and cheerfully, then you can start giving wisdom behind your commands like: I need you to stay inside while the baby sleeps because she could hear you playing outside her window. Also, if they have shown they can obey without having a reason, they can be permitted to occasionally say, “May I ask why?” But if that becomes a regular occurrence, you may need to restrict that privilege for a time. At any rate, they are not allowed to debate with you and there should still be times when you give no reasons and get no questions.
Yelling – your child only decides to obey when the volume of your voice goes up several decibels and veins are bulging from your neck. You have taught them to obey you when they think you finally mean it. Instead, teach them you mean it when you give them instructions in a kind, calm voice.
Here’s a brief episode witnessed by author Michael Pearl:
I observed a father tell his small boy not to touch a particular object. Having been trained to ignore mild commands, the child picked it up. The father demanded, "Give it to me." The child pretended not to hear. "Did you hear me? [Of course he did] Hand it to Daddy. [With more firmness] Johnnnieee, give it to Daddy, NOW!! [Another decibel higher--hasty--angry] JOHNNY!! Am I going to have to SPANK YOU?" By this time the father became aware of his embarrassing tone. He calmed his voice, and in an attempt to bring it to a conclusion he leaned way out and extended his hand, making it easier for Johnny to comply. Because of the angry voice and burning eyes, Johnny assumed the temporary posture of, "Oh well, there will be another day." But, instead of meeting the humbled, groping father, he held the object in his general direction but down close to his body, forcing the father to advance even farther to retrieve it. The father, looking like a poor peasant receiving his necessary food from some condescending royalty, submitted to the child's humiliation and reached to retrieve the object. And then, in a display of weakness, the father placed it out of the child's reach.
There are 2 points I want to make about this story. The first is that there is no need to repeat, yell or threaten to spank. You can train your children to obey when you speak the first time. Secondly, the father put the object out of reach which does not teach self-control, it only avoids going through the same situation again. Children can also be taught self-control not to touch things that are off-limits.
Another way we fail to teach self-control is by adopting the parenting philosophy that says if you give your child choices, you will 1. avoid a lot of conflict, 2. teach them how to make wise choices, 3. have a child that is so grateful for all the choices they been given that when it is time for you to make a decision, they will gladly give you a turn. The problem is this does not teach self-control and your child will come to believe that they are in charge and you have no right to impose any decision on them. There is a mom in the ACTS class on Wed night who has a 7 year old and who has given her daughter choices. Her pediatrician said her daughter was bright and needed to have lots of choices. But now her daughter at 7 has an attitude that she is as equipped to make adult decisions as her mom. And she doesn’t have the respect for her mother’s authority that she should. You see the whole point of all this self-control talk is like Roddy said last week, so that our children will learn to say no to themselves and yes to God. If you have trouble with authority, you’re going to have trouble with God’s authority in your life.
Repeating yourself – You know you‘ve taught your kids not to obey the first time when you hear yourself saying, “How many times do I have to tell you?” or “I’m not going to tell you again.” Save yourself some time and energy and give instructions one time and expect obedience. If your child can obey the 3rd time, they can obey the first. Usually what happens if you continually have to repeat yourself before your kids obey, is you end up frustrated and angry and you discipline out of aggravation instead of love.
Threatening – “If you don’t _______, I’m gonna_______.” Don’t make threats about what you’re going to do if they don’t do something. If they know what you expect and don’t do it, they are disobeying and need discipline for it.
Bribing – this is a big one. An example would be, “If you are really good at Grandma’s house, I’ll take you get ice cream later.” Bribing is used when parents don’t understand their God-given authority. Offering a treat or money for obedience and good behavior does not teach self-control. I love how Reb puts it on page 58: “Bribing children tells them:
That your word s insufficient motivation to obey.
That they are in charge and you are not.
That you are at their mercy.
That you are not worthy of their respect.”
There is a difference between bribes and rewards. A bribe is offered in order to get the behavior you desire. A reward is given without prior notice. It’s unexpected. Twistie Treat example.
Allowing Excuses - It starts when they are little and we excuse wrong behavior by saying, “Oh, she just needs a nap” or “He’s just tired.” It teaches your children to make excuses for their bad attitudes and misbehavior. An older child who says, “He started it” or “He made me do it” is making excuses and it is wrong. We want to teach our kids to take responsibility for their behavior, not blame the situation or someone else.
Tricking or Manipulating – An example of this would be when it’s time to leave the park. Instead of just saying, “Okay it’s time to go now”, you manipulate them with “Grandma’s coming over. We have to hurry and get home.” Or instead of saying, “It’s bedtime” saying, “Do you want to take the bear or bunny to bed with you?” We used to do this before Reb pointed it out. We wanted to avoid the conflict and so we tried to trick out kids into thinking, “this is a good idea. I get to take something with me to bed.”
When you're getting ready to change activities - especially something your kids are engrossed in, it is very helpful to give a time warning like, "Okay, 5 minutes 'til bedtime." It gives the child time to prepare their minds for what's coming.
Distracting – is another way we are taught to deal with tough situations. Instead of training a child not to touch the tv, we are told to move them or distract them with something else.
Again, the problem with all of these methods is they do not train the child to submit his will to yours. Even Jesus who is equal to God submitted himself to his Father. Luke 22:42 Jesus prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." In John 12:50, he said, “whatever I say is just what the Father has told me to say." John 14:31 “I do exactly what my Father has commanded me.” Who are we supposed to model ourselves after? Christ. We are to strive to be like Jesus. We should teach our children to do the same.
Colossians 3:20 “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Last time I checked everything still meant everything.
So our initial priority is to establish the standard of first-time obedience. In our house that means, we ask our children to do something in a calm voice and we expect them to obey cheerfully, right away, all the way, no matter what. Anything else is disobedience. For example, if I send one of them to their room to clean up, and they go right away but stomp off in protest. That is not obeying cheerfully. If I ask them to go brush their teeth, and they wait until they’ve finished stacking up their Legos, they are not obeying right away. If I send them to put clothes away, but I find the clothes scattered on the closet floor, they have not obeyed all the way. If I tell them to stop running, and they say, “But Iris is chasing me,” they are not obeying no matter what.
Now there are times when they may respectfully appeal. For example, if I send them to brush their teeth not knowing Roddy has already had them brush their teeth, they may say, “Mommy, may I tell you something?” To which I would say, “Sure, what is it?” And they can tell me they’ve already done it. But they have to start to obey first. In other words, I tell them to brush their teeth and they head in the direction of the bathroom before appealing with a respectful attitude.
How do you achieve first-time obedience? Through training and discipline. We believe both are very important. But we also believe that no amount of discipline will make up for a lack of training. By training we mean teaching and practicing right behavior. I want you to think of something you are good at because you have practiced or gone through some kind of training. Athletes train for their sport; musicians practice their instruments; Roddy trains for his job; and children can train for right behavior. We have what we call “training time.” It might be an impromptu 15 minutes whenever the need arises, or it could be 30 minutes scheduled into a weeknight. During our time, we practice the behavior we expect from our kids. For example:
What they’re doing right now is training them to sit quietly and in one spot. We call in quiet-time. The lady who showed it to me has 12 children. She calls it playpen in a purse. Start by having them pick 2 quiet toys or books. Then give them a blanket. Tell them they and their toys have to stay on the blanket. They can’t talk or stand up. If they are younger than 18 months, go around each side of the blanket and tap the carpet saying, “No, no.” Then point to the blanket and say, “Yes.” If a foot or hand or toy comes off the blanket, during the first day of learning it, just put it back and say, “Stay on the blanket.” But after the first day, you may need to give them a swat. Do not engage in conversation. Try it for 5 minutes the first time. Then add 5 minutes each time and build up to however long you need. After about 30 minutes, I will ask if anyone needs a potty break or wants to get a different toy. The first time I tried it, Jackson was 2, Gray was 3 and Emma was 4. When the timer went off, they asked to do it again. This went on for 45 minutes.
We originally started doing this when our house was being built…
We do not use it for punishment. I’ll use it if I need instant peace and quiet – like when I’m trying to fix dinner and my blood sugar is dropping but my blood pressure is rising. We’ve also used it in the car - just without the blankets. And we usually use it to start our “training time.”
You can train them to come to you when you call. For kids over 3, send them to another room and tell them you’re going to call their name. When they hear their name, they need to answer, “Yes, Sir or Yes, Ma’am, I’m coming.” That way you know they’ve heard you. And then they should come right away. Practice several times and praise for a job well done. When you’re finished tell them you expect them to do the same thing the next day.
For younger ones – 18 months or so…put them down on one side of the room and walk to the other side. Then call them. If they don’t come, go over and say, “Daddy called you, I want you to come right away” and lead them to where you were when you called. Now do it again. This time, if they don’t come, go over to where they are, give a little swat on the bottom and say, “Daddy called you; I want you to come right away.” And lead them again to where you were when you called. Continue this until they come to you on their own. And when they do, be sure to lavish them with affection and praise for obeying. By 2 years of age –depending on verbal skills, you can teach them to answer you with “Coming.”
First-time obedience - Tell them you are going ask them to do something and you expect them to answer you with, “Yes, Ma’am or Yes, Mommy.” After they do what you ask, have them come to you and report that they did it and have them ask you if there is anything else they can do to help. Get Gray to show example-have her take something off the chair and put it on the table and report. Again, praise for doing it correctly and send them back to try again if they don’t. We’ll give younger ones simple tasks like: “Will you bring me your blanket please?” And more involved tasks for older ones like: “I want you to go to your room, touch your dresser, pick up a toy, and then give Daddy a kiss.” It can be silly stuff or you can actually get things accomplished like cleaning up a room in the process.
Next week we will continue with ideas for "training time."
This week, read chapters 3 & 4. And try to have some training time. Pick one of the things we talked about to practice with your kids.
Verses for week 2
Scriptures for Parents
Malachi 2:15
Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth.
I Peter 5:8-9a
Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith,
Psalm 127:1, 3-5
Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.
Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
Matthew 12:36
“I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak,”
Ephesians 6:12
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.
We aren’t fighting our kids, or shouldn’t be. We’re fighting the enemy for our kids.
Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Matthew 7:13-15
“Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.
Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves.”
Jesus’ Example of Obedience
Luke 22:42
saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.”
John 12:50b
“What I say, therefore, I say as the Father has told me.”
John 14:31a
“but I do as the Father has commanded me…”
Ephesians 6:1
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise),
Colossians 3:20
Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
Malachi 2:15
Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth.
I Peter 5:8-9a
Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith,
Psalm 127:1, 3-5
Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.
Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
Matthew 12:36
“I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak,”
Ephesians 6:12
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.
We aren’t fighting our kids, or shouldn’t be. We’re fighting the enemy for our kids.
Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Matthew 7:13-15
“Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.
Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves.”
Jesus’ Example of Obedience
Luke 22:42
saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.”
John 12:50b
“What I say, therefore, I say as the Father has told me.”
John 14:31a
“but I do as the Father has commanded me…”
Ephesians 6:1
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise),
Colossians 3:20
Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
Our Story, Marriage, Indulged Children (week 1)
Jenny and I have been married now for 12 ½ years. The first 3 years of our marriage, Jenny said she would never have children. Obviously, God changed her heart because we now have 5 children; Emma – 8, Grayson – 7, Jackson – almost 6, Charlie – 4, Iris –3.
I adamantly opposed ever having children. I saw them as noisy, unruly brats who would grow up to break our hearts through rebellious behavior in their teen years. But now, I can actually look forward to the teen years because I know the truth of God’s Word. And we want to share that truth with you. It is so important to lay a strong foundation in the early years of your child’s life based on God’s Word and His expectations for your family.
Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. I remember when Emma was 6 weeks old, calling a friend who also had a newborn and saying, “Why did all our friends tell us we would just love being mothers but no one told us how hard it would be?” It wasn’t just the recovery from delivery, hormones or sleep deprivation, it was questioning every decision I made. Is she cold, is she hot? Is she tired, hungry, need a diaper change? Is she getting enough to eat? Should I supplement with formula and if so, which formula is best? Am I doing what is right for her?
As they grow, so grow the challenges and questions because before you know it, you will have to decide how to train and discipline them. When they are 9 months old, they start fussing because you’ve stopped playtime to change their diaper. When they’re 2 you can’t get them to eat anything but chicken nuggets and cereal bars and temper tantrums keep you homebound. By the time they’re 4 they are whiny or bossy or both – either way you know who’s in charge. Ex)Mall. You can’t wait for them to start school because the sibling rivalry is making you crazy. When they are preteens, if they didn’t already, they now think they know more than you and they require bribing to get them to do anything. Ex)Garage Sale Daughter. As teens, they are sulky and rebellious. They hate you and won’t talk to you. And when they finally graduate college or get married and are on their own, you throw yourself into a chair, hi-five your spouse and say, “Whew! We did it! We survived!”
Unfortunately, years that could have been enjoyable, exciting and delightful were wasted just trying to survive. But don’t give up yet, there is hope!
When our first child was born, Jenny had a mission to find out how God wanted us to raise our children. I on the other hand just thought you pray for them and hope everything will turn out alright. Boy was I wrong! We read books and took parenting classes, but it wasn’t until 4 years ago that we found what we consider the most practical use of scripture for parenting. It changed the direction of our lives and the lives of our children. We took a class through the church called Biblical Insights into Child Training. You can’t walk away from this class not knowing what God expects from you as parents. The book that you are taking home today, Child Training Tips, goes along with that ACTS class. Reb Bradley is the author. He has more wisdom in his pinkie than I have in my whole body. He has 3 grown children that he admittedly made mistakes with. And he has 3 younger children (in their early teens) that he is raising with a different perspective. That’s why this book is subtitled “What I Wish I Knew When My Children Were Young.”
We started to go through the book and hi-light all the important things in it that we wanted to be sure to point out, but had to stop because the whole book would be bright yellow! It is absolutely jammed packed with great stuff. Please read it. We are so passionate about what God has taught us and is teaching us about children being a blessing and a joy. Although our children are not perfect, we have seen the fruit of following God’s plan for our family. It is our desire over the next few weeks to open your eyes to what the Bible says about parenting and child training. At times, we may give our opinions. When we do, you choose what to do with it. But for the most part, whatever we share will be based on scripture and as someone has said, “What you have heard, you are now accountable for.”
We’ve listed some verses for you as a reminder of why it is so important as Christians to know, understand and obey God’s Word. The Bible is our only reliable source of absolute truth in a world that believes truth is whatever you want it to be.
See Verses for Week 1
If you read something in scripture but struggle with following it, you may be like we were – confused by worldly wisdom. One example is spanking. Prov 22:15 says Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. We didn’t know how to apply this because we were getting contradictory advice from other sources (even Christian ones). We heard that spanking is wrong and children who are spanked will grow up angry and aggressive. They, “the experts”, say timeouts are much more peaceful. Yea right! Have you ever seen a ticked off 2 year old in time out? It’s anything but peaceful. In a couple of weeks we will contrast biblical and non-biblical discipline and the differences between what God means by “the rod of discipline” and what the world interprets it to mean. Another example where we were confused was with sibling rivalry. The “experts” say it’s natural. Well it is natural because sin is natural, but it is not right. They say, “Let them work it out.” or “They’ll grow out of it.” My siblings and I used to fight like crazy. We were allowed to say hateful things to each other. My mom told us, “You’ll love each other when you grow up.” Well we do love each other, but we don’t know how to show it. I’m 33 years old! When will we grow out of it? You’re children can have loving, close, peaceful relationships and we’ll talk about that too.
But first let’s talk about how a strong family starts with a Christ-centered marriage.
Husbands, Eph. 5:23 says (read). God has placed us as the head of our home. What does this mean? We need to LEAD our family. When you take a quick look back in the Old Testament, you can see how the whole family is affected by the head. There is a story in Numbers where a father and his married sons sinned. The whole family was swallowed up by the ground, punishing, not only the heads who sinned, but the entire family, women and children, included.
Exodus 20, starting with the second part of verse 5 - verse 6 …I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments. What we do can bring blessings or curses on our families.
There are at least three things that we should do as leaders of our families…
Have a VISION: Like I shared before, Jenny had this vision for our family before I was totally on board. As I look back on the past 4 years and the direction that our family is headed in I am so glad that she listened to God and went ahead and did the right thing for us. And now that I am on board, I need to take the lead and get us to our vision. Why do we have a vision for our family? It goes back to the old saying, “If you shoot at nothing, you will hit it every time.”
I know many of you golf. When you get up on the first tee box, it would be crazy for you to just put your tee and ball down anywhere and hit it in what ever direction that feels good. Instead, you find the flag then put the tee and ball down and stand at the angle you desire to get the ball going in the right direction. That is what you need for your family. You have to have the flag in mind. Get a vision for your family. How many of you know that your company has a Vision Statement? Is not your family more important than any company.
Here is our vision for our family:
1. to have a dynamic marriage that exemplifies Christ.
2. to see our children come to know Christ early and follow Him always.
3. to train our children for spiritual maturity.
Have a PLAN: Once you find the flag, you plan out in your mind how you are going get there. Just like in golf, you have to figure out where to put each shot, you have to make a plan to reach your goal.
EXECUTE the Plan: With anything, you can talk about what you want to do but the best plans still have to be executed or they are worthless. I might have a plan when I get ready to hit the golf ball to make a hole in one, but it’s not even a possibility unless I swing the club.
Godly parenting does not come naturally. You are going to have to be disciplined yourself, to be the parent God wants you to be. You will fail at times, but as you continue down the road you will see a difference in your family. Men, it is YOUR job to lead your family down that road. Do you want to be a curse or a blessing to your family?
Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her Mark 10:45 “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
We are also called to be Servants. How do you serve your wife? I bet if you sat down and asked your wife what you could do to serve her, after she picked herself up off the floor, she probably wouldn’t take long to think of a response. I get tired of hearing about guys who expect their wives to take on the responsibility of raising their children. You are going to be held accountable for this. I also hear guys complain when their wives leave them with the kids for an evening. But what a great gift you can give your wife to send her off with a smile and then welcome her home to a clean house without one bit of complaining. Your wife loves you so much, why not do this for her?
How about Sunday mornings? What are you doing to help out? I know in my house, Jenny would have to get up 2 hours before I would to get herself and the kids ready. I serve Jenny, by taking on the responsibility to get the kids ready for church. Guys, I know that this may be difficult, but next Saturday I want you to go to your kids’ closets, pick out clothes for church and iron them. Then on Sunday morning, get up early if you need to, get them dressed, and make their breakfast. And keep the phone close by in case your wife needs medical attention from the shock.
There are so many ways to serve your wife, it could be something as simple as bringing home dinner once a week. Find out how she needs to be served and do it.
Ladies, it’s your turn. I know how easy it can be to put your children’s needs before your husband’s. The squeaky wheel gets the oil, right? And because our husbands have learned they can’t squeak louder than the children they end up last on the list.
So what can you do? Titus 2:4 tells older women to “train the younger women to love their husbands…”
You can start by speaking his love language. What I mean, for those who haven’t heard about love languages, is that we all feel loved in different ways. Gary Chapman has categorized those ways as Acts of Service, Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. It’s important as a wife to take the time and energy to speak your husband’s love language.
And as a mother, teach your children to show love and honor to their father by speaking his love language. For Acts of Service: Tell them you’re going to serve Daddy by organizing his sock drawer or doing a chore that is normally his job. Gifts: this doesn’t have to be something elaborate. It could be as simple as picking up his favorite dessert at the grocery store and surprising him with it. Words of Affirmation: Have your children join you in making appreciation cards that thank him for going to work everyday or for being the spiritual leader of you home. Physical Touch: Send him off to work with a big hugs and kisses. If Quality Time does it for him, set aside the first 10-15 minutes when he gets home just for him. When your husband comes home, make sure everyone stops what they are doing and runs to see him. When one of us hears the garage door open or a key in the front door, we yell, “Daddy’s home!” and everyone comes hollering and running to hug him and welcome him.
Roddy talked about the guys serving us. How about asking your husband what 3 things he would like you to do for him each day. Some husbands might just want the dishwasher emptied. Your husband might want to come home to a clean house. If you are not a good housekeeper or could care less, find out when he’ll be home and set aside 30 min. before he gets there to get things straightened up. Get the kids to help out. Maybe he’d prefer not to see you in pjs when he walks in the door. Get dressed and slap some on makeup. Figure out what you can do and do it!
Pray for him. Power of a Praying Wife is an excellent guide of daily, scripture-filled prayers for our husbands. Encourage the kids to pray for him. One week Roddy had a stomach bug and felt terrible for several days. One morning the kids and I wrapped ourselves around him and took turns praying for him. He then shared with them later that after that was when he started feeling better.
One more thing. Last year, I listened to a gentleman speak to wives about what our husbands need. And I wanted to share one of the things he said that just simplified Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Imagine a team of dogs pulling a sled over the snowy plains of Alaska. All of a sudden the Master says, “Turn right.” But the lead dog turns left and the others follow. So the Master stops the team, walks around to the lead dog, shakes his little face and says, “I told you to turn right.” Then he gets back in and off they go. Again, the Master says. “Turn right.” But again the lead dog turns left.
Well this time the dog behind him turns right like the Master said but in the process creates chaos. So the Master stops the sled, walks around to the lead dog, shakes his face and says, “I told you to turn right.” Then he walks to the next dog that obeyed his command to turn right shakes her little face and says, “I told you to follow the lead dog.” Get it? Your husband is the Lead Dog. Your job is to follow the Lead Dog because that is what the Master really wants. We wonder why there is chaos in our homes. Could it be from our desire to control and lead? Ladies, relax in the comfort of knowing you are protected when you obey the Master and follow your husband’s lead. He will be held accountable for his decisions. You will be held accountable for how you follow and support those decisions. Love him, pray for him, support him and let him lead.
Now we are assuming that you know, none of this can be done without God’s help. So you’re going to have to be in the Word. And you’re going to have to ask Him for help.
Referring to husbands and wives, Malachi 2:15 says, Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring.
I mentioned earlier that part of our vision for our family is to train our children towards spiritual maturity. Ephesians 6:4 says Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
“Bring them up” literally means “to rear them to maturity.”
Spiritual maturity, based on Proverbs, can be characterized as: self-control, wisdom, and responsibility. In Reb’s book ( page 27), he defines these characteristics as follows:
“Self-control: not being ruled by passions, emotions, desires, wishes, or curiosity; freedom from having to do what one feels like doing; the ability to choose to do what is right; it fosters the selflessness necessary for love of others.”
“Wisdom: understanding; insight; ability to learn from experience; ability to make sound decisions; handling stressful problems with a level head; it is possible only when not ruled by passions (self-controlled)”
“Responsibility: accepting personal accountability for one’s own actions, as well as faithful and conscientious work habits; such integrity and reliability are possible only when not ruled by passions (self-controlled)”
So the basis for maturity is self-control. From there, wisdom and responsibility are developed. Who doesn’t want a child who is self-controlled, wise and responsible? Titus 2:11-12 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce (or say No to) ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age,
When our children are self-controlled they will say no to their own desires and yes to ours. And ultimately we want them to say no to themselves and yes to God. Children are born sinners just like us. That sin propels them to exert their will over ours. Ephesians 6:1-3 says Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land." They will not learn this on their own. We can give them a blessing by training them to obey and honor us. But if we neglect to train them in self-control, we are doing them a disservice.
I had a wrong picture of maturity 4 years ago. I pictured someone reserved, proper and quiet. But during that first Biblical Insights class that we took which is facilitated by Cece Owens, she brought in her 4 children for us to interview; ask questions about how they were raised and what they thought about it. At the time they were between the ages of 8 and 20. They were well-mannered and respectful but also loving, friendly, joyful and fun. And most importantly they got it. They understand that they are accountable to God. Their spiritual maturity blew me away. They are a living testimony of Biblical training.
Before we get into the how to’s of training towards Spiritual Maturity, let’s identify what immaturity looks like. A tell-tale sign of immaturity is someone who lacks self-control; in other words, they are self-indulgent. They have not learned to say no to their own desires and they want everyone else to give in to their desires as well. Proverbs says they are foolish. They lack discretion and make unwise choices.
When you make your child the center of the universe, in other words: life stops when they need or want something, you feed their self-indulgence. And although you think you are loving them and doing what is best for them you are actually setting them up for a life of discontent because when they grow up, they will discover they can’t always have what they want, when they want it.
Unhappy, angry, whiny children are not the result of parents not giving them everything they want. They are actually the result of parents trying to fulfill their every wish. Children who have clear, consistent boundaries feel secure and are much happier than those who don’t.
I’m just going to pull straight from the book signs of immaturity. These are ways you can tell if your children are indulged.
Book CCT - Page 30
Ex) A friend of mine was telling me about a visit with her sister-in-law & nephew. My friend said whatever her son was playing with, her nephew wanted. And he would scream and say, “I want it!” But instead of the sister-in-law making him wait, she would ask my friend’s child to give up whatever he had, even his juice box.. That is an indulged child.
Back to Book
If you are having a conversation, whether it is with your spouse, friend or on the phone, instead of coming up and saying “excuse me” or just starting to talk, they can come up to you and do 1 of 3 things (you choose):1. just stand there beside you; 2. put their hand on your arm - then you can put your hand on theirs to acknowledge that you know they are waiting for you; 3. tap your arm or side one time. In all three cases they have to then wait in silence until you get an opportunity to talk to them. Practice this several times at home together and if they forget when you’re out, you could just say, “Go back and try again.” This week, try to read at least the first 2 chapters and think about some of the areas in you child’s life that may be contributing to indulgence and immaturity. Some of these things you may not even have been aware were unacceptable. Be open to what God can show you.
Next week, we’re going to go over what it means to have a Child-run Home and how to establish Parental Control, which is commanded by God. And during the next 7 weeks we’ll discuss “training time” and how that can prevent a lot of wrong behavior in the first place, chores and responsibilities, how to encourage right behavior, and most importantly how to promote love for God, family and others. And we will have some time each week for you to ask us specific questions about what is going on in your family.
Your homework this week is to read the book – as much as you can get to – and to work on loving and serving your spouse. Don’t forget how important your marriage is to the well-being of the whole family.
I adamantly opposed ever having children. I saw them as noisy, unruly brats who would grow up to break our hearts through rebellious behavior in their teen years. But now, I can actually look forward to the teen years because I know the truth of God’s Word. And we want to share that truth with you. It is so important to lay a strong foundation in the early years of your child’s life based on God’s Word and His expectations for your family.
Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. I remember when Emma was 6 weeks old, calling a friend who also had a newborn and saying, “Why did all our friends tell us we would just love being mothers but no one told us how hard it would be?” It wasn’t just the recovery from delivery, hormones or sleep deprivation, it was questioning every decision I made. Is she cold, is she hot? Is she tired, hungry, need a diaper change? Is she getting enough to eat? Should I supplement with formula and if so, which formula is best? Am I doing what is right for her?
As they grow, so grow the challenges and questions because before you know it, you will have to decide how to train and discipline them. When they are 9 months old, they start fussing because you’ve stopped playtime to change their diaper. When they’re 2 you can’t get them to eat anything but chicken nuggets and cereal bars and temper tantrums keep you homebound. By the time they’re 4 they are whiny or bossy or both – either way you know who’s in charge. Ex)Mall. You can’t wait for them to start school because the sibling rivalry is making you crazy. When they are preteens, if they didn’t already, they now think they know more than you and they require bribing to get them to do anything. Ex)Garage Sale Daughter. As teens, they are sulky and rebellious. They hate you and won’t talk to you. And when they finally graduate college or get married and are on their own, you throw yourself into a chair, hi-five your spouse and say, “Whew! We did it! We survived!”
Unfortunately, years that could have been enjoyable, exciting and delightful were wasted just trying to survive. But don’t give up yet, there is hope!
When our first child was born, Jenny had a mission to find out how God wanted us to raise our children. I on the other hand just thought you pray for them and hope everything will turn out alright. Boy was I wrong! We read books and took parenting classes, but it wasn’t until 4 years ago that we found what we consider the most practical use of scripture for parenting. It changed the direction of our lives and the lives of our children. We took a class through the church called Biblical Insights into Child Training. You can’t walk away from this class not knowing what God expects from you as parents. The book that you are taking home today, Child Training Tips, goes along with that ACTS class. Reb Bradley is the author. He has more wisdom in his pinkie than I have in my whole body. He has 3 grown children that he admittedly made mistakes with. And he has 3 younger children (in their early teens) that he is raising with a different perspective. That’s why this book is subtitled “What I Wish I Knew When My Children Were Young.”
We started to go through the book and hi-light all the important things in it that we wanted to be sure to point out, but had to stop because the whole book would be bright yellow! It is absolutely jammed packed with great stuff. Please read it. We are so passionate about what God has taught us and is teaching us about children being a blessing and a joy. Although our children are not perfect, we have seen the fruit of following God’s plan for our family. It is our desire over the next few weeks to open your eyes to what the Bible says about parenting and child training. At times, we may give our opinions. When we do, you choose what to do with it. But for the most part, whatever we share will be based on scripture and as someone has said, “What you have heard, you are now accountable for.”
We’ve listed some verses for you as a reminder of why it is so important as Christians to know, understand and obey God’s Word. The Bible is our only reliable source of absolute truth in a world that believes truth is whatever you want it to be.
See Verses for Week 1
If you read something in scripture but struggle with following it, you may be like we were – confused by worldly wisdom. One example is spanking. Prov 22:15 says Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. We didn’t know how to apply this because we were getting contradictory advice from other sources (even Christian ones). We heard that spanking is wrong and children who are spanked will grow up angry and aggressive. They, “the experts”, say timeouts are much more peaceful. Yea right! Have you ever seen a ticked off 2 year old in time out? It’s anything but peaceful. In a couple of weeks we will contrast biblical and non-biblical discipline and the differences between what God means by “the rod of discipline” and what the world interprets it to mean. Another example where we were confused was with sibling rivalry. The “experts” say it’s natural. Well it is natural because sin is natural, but it is not right. They say, “Let them work it out.” or “They’ll grow out of it.” My siblings and I used to fight like crazy. We were allowed to say hateful things to each other. My mom told us, “You’ll love each other when you grow up.” Well we do love each other, but we don’t know how to show it. I’m 33 years old! When will we grow out of it? You’re children can have loving, close, peaceful relationships and we’ll talk about that too.
But first let’s talk about how a strong family starts with a Christ-centered marriage.
Husbands, Eph. 5:23 says (read). God has placed us as the head of our home. What does this mean? We need to LEAD our family. When you take a quick look back in the Old Testament, you can see how the whole family is affected by the head. There is a story in Numbers where a father and his married sons sinned. The whole family was swallowed up by the ground, punishing, not only the heads who sinned, but the entire family, women and children, included.
Exodus 20, starting with the second part of verse 5 - verse 6 …I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments. What we do can bring blessings or curses on our families.
There are at least three things that we should do as leaders of our families…
Have a VISION: Like I shared before, Jenny had this vision for our family before I was totally on board. As I look back on the past 4 years and the direction that our family is headed in I am so glad that she listened to God and went ahead and did the right thing for us. And now that I am on board, I need to take the lead and get us to our vision. Why do we have a vision for our family? It goes back to the old saying, “If you shoot at nothing, you will hit it every time.”
I know many of you golf. When you get up on the first tee box, it would be crazy for you to just put your tee and ball down anywhere and hit it in what ever direction that feels good. Instead, you find the flag then put the tee and ball down and stand at the angle you desire to get the ball going in the right direction. That is what you need for your family. You have to have the flag in mind. Get a vision for your family. How many of you know that your company has a Vision Statement? Is not your family more important than any company.
Here is our vision for our family:
1. to have a dynamic marriage that exemplifies Christ.
2. to see our children come to know Christ early and follow Him always.
3. to train our children for spiritual maturity.
Have a PLAN: Once you find the flag, you plan out in your mind how you are going get there. Just like in golf, you have to figure out where to put each shot, you have to make a plan to reach your goal.
EXECUTE the Plan: With anything, you can talk about what you want to do but the best plans still have to be executed or they are worthless. I might have a plan when I get ready to hit the golf ball to make a hole in one, but it’s not even a possibility unless I swing the club.
Godly parenting does not come naturally. You are going to have to be disciplined yourself, to be the parent God wants you to be. You will fail at times, but as you continue down the road you will see a difference in your family. Men, it is YOUR job to lead your family down that road. Do you want to be a curse or a blessing to your family?
Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her Mark 10:45 “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
We are also called to be Servants. How do you serve your wife? I bet if you sat down and asked your wife what you could do to serve her, after she picked herself up off the floor, she probably wouldn’t take long to think of a response. I get tired of hearing about guys who expect their wives to take on the responsibility of raising their children. You are going to be held accountable for this. I also hear guys complain when their wives leave them with the kids for an evening. But what a great gift you can give your wife to send her off with a smile and then welcome her home to a clean house without one bit of complaining. Your wife loves you so much, why not do this for her?
How about Sunday mornings? What are you doing to help out? I know in my house, Jenny would have to get up 2 hours before I would to get herself and the kids ready. I serve Jenny, by taking on the responsibility to get the kids ready for church. Guys, I know that this may be difficult, but next Saturday I want you to go to your kids’ closets, pick out clothes for church and iron them. Then on Sunday morning, get up early if you need to, get them dressed, and make their breakfast. And keep the phone close by in case your wife needs medical attention from the shock.
There are so many ways to serve your wife, it could be something as simple as bringing home dinner once a week. Find out how she needs to be served and do it.
Ladies, it’s your turn. I know how easy it can be to put your children’s needs before your husband’s. The squeaky wheel gets the oil, right? And because our husbands have learned they can’t squeak louder than the children they end up last on the list.
So what can you do? Titus 2:4 tells older women to “train the younger women to love their husbands…”
You can start by speaking his love language. What I mean, for those who haven’t heard about love languages, is that we all feel loved in different ways. Gary Chapman has categorized those ways as Acts of Service, Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. It’s important as a wife to take the time and energy to speak your husband’s love language.
And as a mother, teach your children to show love and honor to their father by speaking his love language. For Acts of Service: Tell them you’re going to serve Daddy by organizing his sock drawer or doing a chore that is normally his job. Gifts: this doesn’t have to be something elaborate. It could be as simple as picking up his favorite dessert at the grocery store and surprising him with it. Words of Affirmation: Have your children join you in making appreciation cards that thank him for going to work everyday or for being the spiritual leader of you home. Physical Touch: Send him off to work with a big hugs and kisses. If Quality Time does it for him, set aside the first 10-15 minutes when he gets home just for him. When your husband comes home, make sure everyone stops what they are doing and runs to see him. When one of us hears the garage door open or a key in the front door, we yell, “Daddy’s home!” and everyone comes hollering and running to hug him and welcome him.
Roddy talked about the guys serving us. How about asking your husband what 3 things he would like you to do for him each day. Some husbands might just want the dishwasher emptied. Your husband might want to come home to a clean house. If you are not a good housekeeper or could care less, find out when he’ll be home and set aside 30 min. before he gets there to get things straightened up. Get the kids to help out. Maybe he’d prefer not to see you in pjs when he walks in the door. Get dressed and slap some on makeup. Figure out what you can do and do it!
Pray for him. Power of a Praying Wife is an excellent guide of daily, scripture-filled prayers for our husbands. Encourage the kids to pray for him. One week Roddy had a stomach bug and felt terrible for several days. One morning the kids and I wrapped ourselves around him and took turns praying for him. He then shared with them later that after that was when he started feeling better.
One more thing. Last year, I listened to a gentleman speak to wives about what our husbands need. And I wanted to share one of the things he said that just simplified Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Imagine a team of dogs pulling a sled over the snowy plains of Alaska. All of a sudden the Master says, “Turn right.” But the lead dog turns left and the others follow. So the Master stops the team, walks around to the lead dog, shakes his little face and says, “I told you to turn right.” Then he gets back in and off they go. Again, the Master says. “Turn right.” But again the lead dog turns left.
Well this time the dog behind him turns right like the Master said but in the process creates chaos. So the Master stops the sled, walks around to the lead dog, shakes his face and says, “I told you to turn right.” Then he walks to the next dog that obeyed his command to turn right shakes her little face and says, “I told you to follow the lead dog.” Get it? Your husband is the Lead Dog. Your job is to follow the Lead Dog because that is what the Master really wants. We wonder why there is chaos in our homes. Could it be from our desire to control and lead? Ladies, relax in the comfort of knowing you are protected when you obey the Master and follow your husband’s lead. He will be held accountable for his decisions. You will be held accountable for how you follow and support those decisions. Love him, pray for him, support him and let him lead.
Now we are assuming that you know, none of this can be done without God’s help. So you’re going to have to be in the Word. And you’re going to have to ask Him for help.
Referring to husbands and wives, Malachi 2:15 says, Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring.
I mentioned earlier that part of our vision for our family is to train our children towards spiritual maturity. Ephesians 6:4 says Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
“Bring them up” literally means “to rear them to maturity.”
Spiritual maturity, based on Proverbs, can be characterized as: self-control, wisdom, and responsibility. In Reb’s book ( page 27), he defines these characteristics as follows:
“Self-control: not being ruled by passions, emotions, desires, wishes, or curiosity; freedom from having to do what one feels like doing; the ability to choose to do what is right; it fosters the selflessness necessary for love of others.”
“Wisdom: understanding; insight; ability to learn from experience; ability to make sound decisions; handling stressful problems with a level head; it is possible only when not ruled by passions (self-controlled)”
“Responsibility: accepting personal accountability for one’s own actions, as well as faithful and conscientious work habits; such integrity and reliability are possible only when not ruled by passions (self-controlled)”
So the basis for maturity is self-control. From there, wisdom and responsibility are developed. Who doesn’t want a child who is self-controlled, wise and responsible? Titus 2:11-12 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce (or say No to) ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age,
When our children are self-controlled they will say no to their own desires and yes to ours. And ultimately we want them to say no to themselves and yes to God. Children are born sinners just like us. That sin propels them to exert their will over ours. Ephesians 6:1-3 says Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land." They will not learn this on their own. We can give them a blessing by training them to obey and honor us. But if we neglect to train them in self-control, we are doing them a disservice.
I had a wrong picture of maturity 4 years ago. I pictured someone reserved, proper and quiet. But during that first Biblical Insights class that we took which is facilitated by Cece Owens, she brought in her 4 children for us to interview; ask questions about how they were raised and what they thought about it. At the time they were between the ages of 8 and 20. They were well-mannered and respectful but also loving, friendly, joyful and fun. And most importantly they got it. They understand that they are accountable to God. Their spiritual maturity blew me away. They are a living testimony of Biblical training.
Before we get into the how to’s of training towards Spiritual Maturity, let’s identify what immaturity looks like. A tell-tale sign of immaturity is someone who lacks self-control; in other words, they are self-indulgent. They have not learned to say no to their own desires and they want everyone else to give in to their desires as well. Proverbs says they are foolish. They lack discretion and make unwise choices.
When you make your child the center of the universe, in other words: life stops when they need or want something, you feed their self-indulgence. And although you think you are loving them and doing what is best for them you are actually setting them up for a life of discontent because when they grow up, they will discover they can’t always have what they want, when they want it.
Unhappy, angry, whiny children are not the result of parents not giving them everything they want. They are actually the result of parents trying to fulfill their every wish. Children who have clear, consistent boundaries feel secure and are much happier than those who don’t.
I’m just going to pull straight from the book signs of immaturity. These are ways you can tell if your children are indulged.
Book CCT - Page 30
Ex) A friend of mine was telling me about a visit with her sister-in-law & nephew. My friend said whatever her son was playing with, her nephew wanted. And he would scream and say, “I want it!” But instead of the sister-in-law making him wait, she would ask my friend’s child to give up whatever he had, even his juice box.. That is an indulged child.
Back to Book
If you are having a conversation, whether it is with your spouse, friend or on the phone, instead of coming up and saying “excuse me” or just starting to talk, they can come up to you and do 1 of 3 things (you choose):1. just stand there beside you; 2. put their hand on your arm - then you can put your hand on theirs to acknowledge that you know they are waiting for you; 3. tap your arm or side one time. In all three cases they have to then wait in silence until you get an opportunity to talk to them. Practice this several times at home together and if they forget when you’re out, you could just say, “Go back and try again.” This week, try to read at least the first 2 chapters and think about some of the areas in you child’s life that may be contributing to indulgence and immaturity. Some of these things you may not even have been aware were unacceptable. Be open to what God can show you.
Next week, we’re going to go over what it means to have a Child-run Home and how to establish Parental Control, which is commanded by God. And during the next 7 weeks we’ll discuss “training time” and how that can prevent a lot of wrong behavior in the first place, chores and responsibilities, how to encourage right behavior, and most importantly how to promote love for God, family and others. And we will have some time each week for you to ask us specific questions about what is going on in your family.
Your homework this week is to read the book – as much as you can get to – and to work on loving and serving your spouse. Don’t forget how important your marriage is to the well-being of the whole family.
Verses for week 1
God & His Word - Our Only Reliable Source of Absolute Truth
Deuteronomy 5:29, 32-33
Oh that they had such a mind as this always, to fear me and to keep all my commandments, that it might go well with them and with their descendants forever!
You shall be careful therefore to do as the LORD your God has commanded you. You shall not turn aside to the right hand or to the left. You shall walk in all the way that the LORD your God has commanded you, that you may live, and that it may go well with you, and that you may live long in the land that you shall possess.
Psalm 1:1-3
Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.
Psalm 9:10
And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.
Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Proverbs 16:25
There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.
Proverbs 30:5-6
Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.Do not add to his words, lest he rebuke you and you be found a liar.
Matthew 4:4, 10
But he answered, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"
Then Jesus said to him, "Be gone, Satan! For it is written, 'You shall worship the Lord your God and him only shall you serve.'"
Romans 12:2
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
1 Corinthians 1:19-20
For it is written,"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart."
Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?
1 Corinthians 3:19-21a
For the wisdom of this world is folly with God. For it is written, "He catches the wise in their craftiness," and again, "The Lord knows the thoughts of the wise, that they are futile." So let no one boast in men.
Galatians 5:7-10
You were running well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth? This persuasion is not from him who calls you. A little leaven leavens the whole lump. I have confidence in the Lord that you will take no other view than mine, and the one who is troubling you will bear the penalty, whoever he is.
Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
Colossians 2:8
See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ.
Colossians 2:20
If with Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world, why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations—
2 Timothy 3:16-17
All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.
Hebrews 4:12-13
For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
James 1:5If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.
James 1:22
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.
2 Peter 1:3
His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence,
Husbands
Ephesians 5:23, 25
For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
Mark 10:45
“For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
1 Peter 3:7
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
Exodus 20:5b - 6
… for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, 6but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.
Wives
Titus 2:4-5
And so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 7to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.
Your marriage can be a ministry to your children as you live out God’s Word.
Ephesians 5:22-24
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Ephesians 5:33b
… and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
1 Peter 3:1, 5-6
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,
For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.
Follow the Lead Dog!
Genesis 3:17
And to Adam he said, "Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the treeof which I commanded you, 'You shall not eat of it,' cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life;”
We can nag our husbands into poor decisions.
Proverbs 10:19
When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains [her] lips is prudent.
(NIV)When words are many, sin is not absent, but [she] who holds [her] tongue is wise.
Zip it!
Proverbs 12:4
An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.
Proverbs 14:1
The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.
Proverbs 25:24
It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 27:15
A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike;
Proverbs 31:10-31
Spiritual Maturity-Verses from Proverbs
Regarding Self-Control
29:11 A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.
29:20 Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.
14:16 One who is wise is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is reckless and careless.
21:20 Precious treasure and oil are in a wise man’s dwelling, but a foolish man devours it.
22:15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
26:11 Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.
12:16, 23 The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult.
A prudent man conceals knowledge, but the heart of fools proclaims folly.
13:16 In everything the prudent acts with knowledge, but a fool flaunts his folly.
Titus 2:11-12 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age,
Regarding Wisdom
10:21 The lips of the righteous feed many (NIV says “nourish many”), but fools die for lack of sense.
12:15 The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.
18:2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.
29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
Regarding Responsibility
6:6 Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise.
24:30 I passed by the field of a sluggard, by the vineyard of a man lacking sense,
26:6 Whoever sends a message by the hand of a fool cuts off his own feet and drinks violence.
26:16 The sluggard is wiser in his own eyes than seven men who can answer sensibly.
Deuteronomy 5:29, 32-33
Oh that they had such a mind as this always, to fear me and to keep all my commandments, that it might go well with them and with their descendants forever!
You shall be careful therefore to do as the LORD your God has commanded you. You shall not turn aside to the right hand or to the left. You shall walk in all the way that the LORD your God has commanded you, that you may live, and that it may go well with you, and that you may live long in the land that you shall possess.
Psalm 1:1-3
Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.
Psalm 9:10
And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.
Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Proverbs 16:25
There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.
Proverbs 30:5-6
Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.Do not add to his words, lest he rebuke you and you be found a liar.
Matthew 4:4, 10
But he answered, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"
Then Jesus said to him, "Be gone, Satan! For it is written, 'You shall worship the Lord your God and him only shall you serve.'"
Romans 12:2
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
1 Corinthians 1:19-20
For it is written,"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart."
Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?
1 Corinthians 3:19-21a
For the wisdom of this world is folly with God. For it is written, "He catches the wise in their craftiness," and again, "The Lord knows the thoughts of the wise, that they are futile." So let no one boast in men.
Galatians 5:7-10
You were running well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth? This persuasion is not from him who calls you. A little leaven leavens the whole lump. I have confidence in the Lord that you will take no other view than mine, and the one who is troubling you will bear the penalty, whoever he is.
Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
Colossians 2:8
See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ.
Colossians 2:20
If with Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world, why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations—
2 Timothy 3:16-17
All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.
Hebrews 4:12-13
For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
James 1:5If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.
James 1:22
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.
2 Peter 1:3
His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence,
Husbands
Ephesians 5:23, 25
For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
Mark 10:45
“For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
1 Peter 3:7
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
Exodus 20:5b - 6
… for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, 6but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.
Wives
Titus 2:4-5
And so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 7to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.
Your marriage can be a ministry to your children as you live out God’s Word.
Ephesians 5:22-24
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Ephesians 5:33b
… and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
1 Peter 3:1, 5-6
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,
For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.
Follow the Lead Dog!
Genesis 3:17
And to Adam he said, "Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the treeof which I commanded you, 'You shall not eat of it,' cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life;”
We can nag our husbands into poor decisions.
Proverbs 10:19
When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains [her] lips is prudent.
(NIV)When words are many, sin is not absent, but [she] who holds [her] tongue is wise.
Zip it!
Proverbs 12:4
An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.
Proverbs 14:1
The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.
Proverbs 25:24
It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 27:15
A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike;
Proverbs 31:10-31
Spiritual Maturity-Verses from Proverbs
Regarding Self-Control
29:11 A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.
29:20 Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.
14:16 One who is wise is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is reckless and careless.
21:20 Precious treasure and oil are in a wise man’s dwelling, but a foolish man devours it.
22:15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
26:11 Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.
12:16, 23 The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult.
A prudent man conceals knowledge, but the heart of fools proclaims folly.
13:16 In everything the prudent acts with knowledge, but a fool flaunts his folly.
Titus 2:11-12 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age,
Regarding Wisdom
10:21 The lips of the righteous feed many (NIV says “nourish many”), but fools die for lack of sense.
12:15 The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.
18:2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.
29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
Regarding Responsibility
6:6 Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise.
24:30 I passed by the field of a sluggard, by the vineyard of a man lacking sense,
26:6 Whoever sends a message by the hand of a fool cuts off his own feet and drinks violence.
26:16 The sluggard is wiser in his own eyes than seven men who can answer sensibly.
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