Jenny and I have been married now for 12 ½ years. The first 3 years of our marriage, Jenny said she would never have children. Obviously, God changed her heart because we now have 5 children; Emma – 8, Grayson – 7, Jackson – almost 6, Charlie – 4, Iris –3.
I adamantly opposed ever having children. I saw them as noisy, unruly brats who would grow up to break our hearts through rebellious behavior in their teen years. But now, I can actually look forward to the teen years because I know the truth of God’s Word. And we want to share that truth with you. It is so important to lay a strong foundation in the early years of your child’s life based on God’s Word and His expectations for your family.
Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. I remember when Emma was 6 weeks old, calling a friend who also had a newborn and saying, “Why did all our friends tell us we would just love being mothers but no one told us how hard it would be?” It wasn’t just the recovery from delivery, hormones or sleep deprivation, it was questioning every decision I made. Is she cold, is she hot? Is she tired, hungry, need a diaper change? Is she getting enough to eat? Should I supplement with formula and if so, which formula is best? Am I doing what is right for her?
As they grow, so grow the challenges and questions because before you know it, you will have to decide how to train and discipline them. When they are 9 months old, they start fussing because you’ve stopped playtime to change their diaper. When they’re 2 you can’t get them to eat anything but chicken nuggets and cereal bars and temper tantrums keep you homebound. By the time they’re 4 they are whiny or bossy or both – either way you know who’s in charge. Ex)Mall. You can’t wait for them to start school because the sibling rivalry is making you crazy. When they are preteens, if they didn’t already, they now think they know more than you and they require bribing to get them to do anything. Ex)Garage Sale Daughter. As teens, they are sulky and rebellious. They hate you and won’t talk to you. And when they finally graduate college or get married and are on their own, you throw yourself into a chair, hi-five your spouse and say, “Whew! We did it! We survived!”
Unfortunately, years that could have been enjoyable, exciting and delightful were wasted just trying to survive. But don’t give up yet, there is hope!
When our first child was born, Jenny had a mission to find out how God wanted us to raise our children. I on the other hand just thought you pray for them and hope everything will turn out alright. Boy was I wrong! We read books and took parenting classes, but it wasn’t until 4 years ago that we found what we consider the most practical use of scripture for parenting. It changed the direction of our lives and the lives of our children. We took a class through the church called Biblical Insights into Child Training. You can’t walk away from this class not knowing what God expects from you as parents. The book that you are taking home today, Child Training Tips, goes along with that ACTS class. Reb Bradley is the author. He has more wisdom in his pinkie than I have in my whole body. He has 3 grown children that he admittedly made mistakes with. And he has 3 younger children (in their early teens) that he is raising with a different perspective. That’s why this book is subtitled “What I Wish I Knew When My Children Were Young.”
We started to go through the book and hi-light all the important things in it that we wanted to be sure to point out, but had to stop because the whole book would be bright yellow! It is absolutely jammed packed with great stuff. Please read it. We are so passionate about what God has taught us and is teaching us about children being a blessing and a joy. Although our children are not perfect, we have seen the fruit of following God’s plan for our family. It is our desire over the next few weeks to open your eyes to what the Bible says about parenting and child training. At times, we may give our opinions. When we do, you choose what to do with it. But for the most part, whatever we share will be based on scripture and as someone has said, “What you have heard, you are now accountable for.”
We’ve listed some verses for you as a reminder of why it is so important as Christians to know, understand and obey God’s Word. The Bible is our only reliable source of absolute truth in a world that believes truth is whatever you want it to be.
See Verses for Week 1
If you read something in scripture but struggle with following it, you may be like we were – confused by worldly wisdom. One example is spanking. Prov 22:15 says Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. We didn’t know how to apply this because we were getting contradictory advice from other sources (even Christian ones). We heard that spanking is wrong and children who are spanked will grow up angry and aggressive. They, “the experts”, say timeouts are much more peaceful. Yea right! Have you ever seen a ticked off 2 year old in time out? It’s anything but peaceful. In a couple of weeks we will contrast biblical and non-biblical discipline and the differences between what God means by “the rod of discipline” and what the world interprets it to mean. Another example where we were confused was with sibling rivalry. The “experts” say it’s natural. Well it is natural because sin is natural, but it is not right. They say, “Let them work it out.” or “They’ll grow out of it.” My siblings and I used to fight like crazy. We were allowed to say hateful things to each other. My mom told us, “You’ll love each other when you grow up.” Well we do love each other, but we don’t know how to show it. I’m 33 years old! When will we grow out of it? You’re children can have loving, close, peaceful relationships and we’ll talk about that too.
But first let’s talk about how a strong family starts with a Christ-centered marriage.
Husbands, Eph. 5:23 says (read). God has placed us as the head of our home. What does this mean? We need to LEAD our family. When you take a quick look back in the Old Testament, you can see how the whole family is affected by the head. There is a story in Numbers where a father and his married sons sinned. The whole family was swallowed up by the ground, punishing, not only the heads who sinned, but the entire family, women and children, included.
Exodus 20, starting with the second part of verse 5 - verse 6 …I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments. What we do can bring blessings or curses on our families.
There are at least three things that we should do as leaders of our families…
Have a VISION: Like I shared before, Jenny had this vision for our family before I was totally on board. As I look back on the past 4 years and the direction that our family is headed in I am so glad that she listened to God and went ahead and did the right thing for us. And now that I am on board, I need to take the lead and get us to our vision. Why do we have a vision for our family? It goes back to the old saying, “If you shoot at nothing, you will hit it every time.”
I know many of you golf. When you get up on the first tee box, it would be crazy for you to just put your tee and ball down anywhere and hit it in what ever direction that feels good. Instead, you find the flag then put the tee and ball down and stand at the angle you desire to get the ball going in the right direction. That is what you need for your family. You have to have the flag in mind. Get a vision for your family. How many of you know that your company has a Vision Statement? Is not your family more important than any company.
Here is our vision for our family:
1. to have a dynamic marriage that exemplifies Christ.
2. to see our children come to know Christ early and follow Him always.
3. to train our children for spiritual maturity.
Have a PLAN: Once you find the flag, you plan out in your mind how you are going get there. Just like in golf, you have to figure out where to put each shot, you have to make a plan to reach your goal.
EXECUTE the Plan: With anything, you can talk about what you want to do but the best plans still have to be executed or they are worthless. I might have a plan when I get ready to hit the golf ball to make a hole in one, but it’s not even a possibility unless I swing the club.
Godly parenting does not come naturally. You are going to have to be disciplined yourself, to be the parent God wants you to be. You will fail at times, but as you continue down the road you will see a difference in your family. Men, it is YOUR job to lead your family down that road. Do you want to be a curse or a blessing to your family?
Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her Mark 10:45 “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
We are also called to be Servants. How do you serve your wife? I bet if you sat down and asked your wife what you could do to serve her, after she picked herself up off the floor, she probably wouldn’t take long to think of a response. I get tired of hearing about guys who expect their wives to take on the responsibility of raising their children. You are going to be held accountable for this. I also hear guys complain when their wives leave them with the kids for an evening. But what a great gift you can give your wife to send her off with a smile and then welcome her home to a clean house without one bit of complaining. Your wife loves you so much, why not do this for her?
How about Sunday mornings? What are you doing to help out? I know in my house, Jenny would have to get up 2 hours before I would to get herself and the kids ready. I serve Jenny, by taking on the responsibility to get the kids ready for church. Guys, I know that this may be difficult, but next Saturday I want you to go to your kids’ closets, pick out clothes for church and iron them. Then on Sunday morning, get up early if you need to, get them dressed, and make their breakfast. And keep the phone close by in case your wife needs medical attention from the shock.
There are so many ways to serve your wife, it could be something as simple as bringing home dinner once a week. Find out how she needs to be served and do it.
Ladies, it’s your turn. I know how easy it can be to put your children’s needs before your husband’s. The squeaky wheel gets the oil, right? And because our husbands have learned they can’t squeak louder than the children they end up last on the list.
So what can you do? Titus 2:4 tells older women to “train the younger women to love their husbands…”
You can start by speaking his love language. What I mean, for those who haven’t heard about love languages, is that we all feel loved in different ways. Gary Chapman has categorized those ways as Acts of Service, Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. It’s important as a wife to take the time and energy to speak your husband’s love language.
And as a mother, teach your children to show love and honor to their father by speaking his love language. For Acts of Service: Tell them you’re going to serve Daddy by organizing his sock drawer or doing a chore that is normally his job. Gifts: this doesn’t have to be something elaborate. It could be as simple as picking up his favorite dessert at the grocery store and surprising him with it. Words of Affirmation: Have your children join you in making appreciation cards that thank him for going to work everyday or for being the spiritual leader of you home. Physical Touch: Send him off to work with a big hugs and kisses. If Quality Time does it for him, set aside the first 10-15 minutes when he gets home just for him. When your husband comes home, make sure everyone stops what they are doing and runs to see him. When one of us hears the garage door open or a key in the front door, we yell, “Daddy’s home!” and everyone comes hollering and running to hug him and welcome him.
Roddy talked about the guys serving us. How about asking your husband what 3 things he would like you to do for him each day. Some husbands might just want the dishwasher emptied. Your husband might want to come home to a clean house. If you are not a good housekeeper or could care less, find out when he’ll be home and set aside 30 min. before he gets there to get things straightened up. Get the kids to help out. Maybe he’d prefer not to see you in pjs when he walks in the door. Get dressed and slap some on makeup. Figure out what you can do and do it!
Pray for him. Power of a Praying Wife is an excellent guide of daily, scripture-filled prayers for our husbands. Encourage the kids to pray for him. One week Roddy had a stomach bug and felt terrible for several days. One morning the kids and I wrapped ourselves around him and took turns praying for him. He then shared with them later that after that was when he started feeling better.
One more thing. Last year, I listened to a gentleman speak to wives about what our husbands need. And I wanted to share one of the things he said that just simplified Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Imagine a team of dogs pulling a sled over the snowy plains of Alaska. All of a sudden the Master says, “Turn right.” But the lead dog turns left and the others follow. So the Master stops the team, walks around to the lead dog, shakes his little face and says, “I told you to turn right.” Then he gets back in and off they go. Again, the Master says. “Turn right.” But again the lead dog turns left.
Well this time the dog behind him turns right like the Master said but in the process creates chaos. So the Master stops the sled, walks around to the lead dog, shakes his face and says, “I told you to turn right.” Then he walks to the next dog that obeyed his command to turn right shakes her little face and says, “I told you to follow the lead dog.” Get it? Your husband is the Lead Dog. Your job is to follow the Lead Dog because that is what the Master really wants. We wonder why there is chaos in our homes. Could it be from our desire to control and lead? Ladies, relax in the comfort of knowing you are protected when you obey the Master and follow your husband’s lead. He will be held accountable for his decisions. You will be held accountable for how you follow and support those decisions. Love him, pray for him, support him and let him lead.
Now we are assuming that you know, none of this can be done without God’s help. So you’re going to have to be in the Word. And you’re going to have to ask Him for help.
Referring to husbands and wives, Malachi 2:15 says, Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring.
I mentioned earlier that part of our vision for our family is to train our children towards spiritual maturity. Ephesians 6:4 says Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
“Bring them up” literally means “to rear them to maturity.”
Spiritual maturity, based on Proverbs, can be characterized as: self-control, wisdom, and responsibility. In Reb’s book ( page 27), he defines these characteristics as follows:
“Self-control: not being ruled by passions, emotions, desires, wishes, or curiosity; freedom from having to do what one feels like doing; the ability to choose to do what is right; it fosters the selflessness necessary for love of others.”
“Wisdom: understanding; insight; ability to learn from experience; ability to make sound decisions; handling stressful problems with a level head; it is possible only when not ruled by passions (self-controlled)”
“Responsibility: accepting personal accountability for one’s own actions, as well as faithful and conscientious work habits; such integrity and reliability are possible only when not ruled by passions (self-controlled)”
So the basis for maturity is self-control. From there, wisdom and responsibility are developed. Who doesn’t want a child who is self-controlled, wise and responsible? Titus 2:11-12 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce (or say No to) ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age,
When our children are self-controlled they will say no to their own desires and yes to ours. And ultimately we want them to say no to themselves and yes to God. Children are born sinners just like us. That sin propels them to exert their will over ours. Ephesians 6:1-3 says Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land." They will not learn this on their own. We can give them a blessing by training them to obey and honor us. But if we neglect to train them in self-control, we are doing them a disservice.
I had a wrong picture of maturity 4 years ago. I pictured someone reserved, proper and quiet. But during that first Biblical Insights class that we took which is facilitated by Cece Owens, she brought in her 4 children for us to interview; ask questions about how they were raised and what they thought about it. At the time they were between the ages of 8 and 20. They were well-mannered and respectful but also loving, friendly, joyful and fun. And most importantly they got it. They understand that they are accountable to God. Their spiritual maturity blew me away. They are a living testimony of Biblical training.
Before we get into the how to’s of training towards Spiritual Maturity, let’s identify what immaturity looks like. A tell-tale sign of immaturity is someone who lacks self-control; in other words, they are self-indulgent. They have not learned to say no to their own desires and they want everyone else to give in to their desires as well. Proverbs says they are foolish. They lack discretion and make unwise choices.
When you make your child the center of the universe, in other words: life stops when they need or want something, you feed their self-indulgence. And although you think you are loving them and doing what is best for them you are actually setting them up for a life of discontent because when they grow up, they will discover they can’t always have what they want, when they want it.
Unhappy, angry, whiny children are not the result of parents not giving them everything they want. They are actually the result of parents trying to fulfill their every wish. Children who have clear, consistent boundaries feel secure and are much happier than those who don’t.
I’m just going to pull straight from the book signs of immaturity. These are ways you can tell if your children are indulged.
Book CCT - Page 30
Ex) A friend of mine was telling me about a visit with her sister-in-law & nephew. My friend said whatever her son was playing with, her nephew wanted. And he would scream and say, “I want it!” But instead of the sister-in-law making him wait, she would ask my friend’s child to give up whatever he had, even his juice box.. That is an indulged child.
Back to Book
If you are having a conversation, whether it is with your spouse, friend or on the phone, instead of coming up and saying “excuse me” or just starting to talk, they can come up to you and do 1 of 3 things (you choose):1. just stand there beside you; 2. put their hand on your arm - then you can put your hand on theirs to acknowledge that you know they are waiting for you; 3. tap your arm or side one time. In all three cases they have to then wait in silence until you get an opportunity to talk to them. Practice this several times at home together and if they forget when you’re out, you could just say, “Go back and try again.” This week, try to read at least the first 2 chapters and think about some of the areas in you child’s life that may be contributing to indulgence and immaturity. Some of these things you may not even have been aware were unacceptable. Be open to what God can show you.
Next week, we’re going to go over what it means to have a Child-run Home and how to establish Parental Control, which is commanded by God. And during the next 7 weeks we’ll discuss “training time” and how that can prevent a lot of wrong behavior in the first place, chores and responsibilities, how to encourage right behavior, and most importantly how to promote love for God, family and others. And we will have some time each week for you to ask us specific questions about what is going on in your family.
Your homework this week is to read the book – as much as you can get to – and to work on loving and serving your spouse. Don’t forget how important your marriage is to the well-being of the whole family.
