Blessings of training...our evening with 10 kids and 4 adults.
Romans 5:12 says “Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned—.” Children are not born good and then turn bad. They are born sinners. Sin is natural. Which means, we shouldn’t be surprised or angry when they disobey, throw temper tantrums or act selfishly. It would be unnatural for them not to. But when sin is not corrected it becomes habit. If you allow your children to sin without exercising your God-given parental authority to “train them up” you are not only sinning against them, but God as well.
We talked last week about how worldly wisdom can cloud our minds to the Truth. The Bible says, “For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight.” It says, “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD.” And Jesus said, “You shall worship the Lord your God and him only shall you serve.”
Unfortunately, worldly wisdom is a lot more prevalent than God’s wisdom. And if you hear it or read it enough, you start to believe it. Our prayer for you is that you will let the Holy Spirit show you what is true because the enemy is subtle. He will lie to you. He’s the father of lies. He will try to confuse you and get you to doubt what God’s Word says. He wants to destroy your family and your effectiveness for Christ! Peter said “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him …” (1 Peter 5:8-9a).
Turn to Psalm 127. Verse 1 says, “Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.” Right there is a big red flag telling us that if you aren’t allowing God to direct your family, your home will be weak and ineffective at best. “…Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain..” Did you know that as parents you are the watchmen of your home? You determine who and what comes in through its gates. I would like to point out that you can’t “watch” your home if you aren’t there or if you’re there but are preoccupied or distracted. Do you know what the weakest gate is? It’s probably in the center of your family room and in several other rooms as well. Does anyone know? It’s the TV. It’s a lion in sheep’s clothing. Be selective in what you choose to view or allow your children to view.
Verses 3-5 say, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks (the NIV says ‘contends’) with his enemies in the gate.”
Someone in battle who has many arrows has an advantage over those who don’t. Children are our arrows for advancing the Gospel. But if your kids aren’t trained in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord” you’ll have a quiver full of duds. We are given an incredible responsibility. Jesus said (in Matthew 12:36) “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak.” How much more will we give an account for what we did with the lives of our children? Don’t look at your children as work, or interruptions to your life. See them as future warriors for God’s Kingdom.
In case you didn’t know it, we are in a battle. Some days it feels like we’re in a battle with our kids. But one day God showed us Ephesians 6:12 “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” We’re not fighting our kids, or shouldn’t be, we’re fighting the enemy for our kids!
So how do we fight for our kids? By training them to spiritual maturity. We said last week that means teaching your kids self-control which is the foundation for becoming wise and responsible. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Training your children in the way they should go according to Eph means in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Let’s look at some ways you may actually be training your children not to be self-controlled. Because we are all training our children, it just may not be according to God’s plan. You may have what Reb refers to as a child-run home. A child run home is one in which you have purposefully or accidentally allowed your children to have a voice in the decisions of running your home. You may have allowed behavior that you have been told is normal. You may be training them incorrectly because you’ve been confused by worldly wisdom and you doubt scripture’s relevancy to your family today. Or because you just don’t know how to apply God’s Word to your daily life as parents. So what are some ways you may have trained your children incorrectly?
Mealtime – Your kitchen feels like Burger King where the kids have it their way. You fix one meal for you and your spouse and another meal for the kids.
Maybe you allow your kids to determine where you go out to eat because they only like certain foods at certain places and you don’t want to deal with the whining, pouting or crying when they don’t get it.
First-time obedience – maybe that’s a foreign term in your home. In a child-run home the child decides when or how he will obey, if at all. He might say, “Just a minute.” Or you may have trained him to wait until you count to 3. If your child can obey when you say “One”, he can obey you as soon as you speak the command. My brother-in-law is a sheriff’s deputy. If someone resists arrest, do you think he tells them he’s going to count to 3 and they had better straighten up? Can you imagine? The guy he’s arresting would laugh in his face. So why do we do this with our children? Don’t we have the same authority?
Decision making – the kids are allowed to complain, whine, and nag until they get what they want or until you lose it. You may often say to others. “I have to pick my battles with him. It’s not worth it.” And your child gets to choose when and what he eats, wears, plays and watches.
Answering “why” – your child does not have to know why they are being asked to do something. When you give a command, if your child asks why and you give them a reason, you have just made them your peer. If you always give reasons to your commands or answer “why”, they will come to believe they are owed an explanation. Some parents justify giving explanations because they think they are teaching their children how to make wise decisions. But remember self-control comes before wisdom. When a child has the self-control to obey respectfully and cheerfully, then you can start giving wisdom behind your commands like: I need you to stay inside while the baby sleeps because she could hear you playing outside her window. Also, if they have shown they can obey without having a reason, they can be permitted to occasionally say, “May I ask why?” But if that becomes a regular occurrence, you may need to restrict that privilege for a time. At any rate, they are not allowed to debate with you and there should still be times when you give no reasons and get no questions.
Yelling – your child only decides to obey when the volume of your voice goes up several decibels and veins are bulging from your neck. You have taught them to obey you when they think you finally mean it. Instead, teach them you mean it when you give them instructions in a kind, calm voice.
Here’s a brief episode witnessed by author Michael Pearl:
I observed a father tell his small boy not to touch a particular object. Having been trained to ignore mild commands, the child picked it up. The father demanded, "Give it to me." The child pretended not to hear. "Did you hear me? [Of course he did] Hand it to Daddy. [With more firmness] Johnnnieee, give it to Daddy, NOW!! [Another decibel higher--hasty--angry] JOHNNY!! Am I going to have to SPANK YOU?" By this time the father became aware of his embarrassing tone. He calmed his voice, and in an attempt to bring it to a conclusion he leaned way out and extended his hand, making it easier for Johnny to comply. Because of the angry voice and burning eyes, Johnny assumed the temporary posture of, "Oh well, there will be another day." But, instead of meeting the humbled, groping father, he held the object in his general direction but down close to his body, forcing the father to advance even farther to retrieve it. The father, looking like a poor peasant receiving his necessary food from some condescending royalty, submitted to the child's humiliation and reached to retrieve the object. And then, in a display of weakness, the father placed it out of the child's reach.
There are 2 points I want to make about this story. The first is that there is no need to repeat, yell or threaten to spank. You can train your children to obey when you speak the first time. Secondly, the father put the object out of reach which does not teach self-control, it only avoids going through the same situation again. Children can also be taught self-control not to touch things that are off-limits.
Another way we fail to teach self-control is by adopting the parenting philosophy that says if you give your child choices, you will 1. avoid a lot of conflict, 2. teach them how to make wise choices, 3. have a child that is so grateful for all the choices they been given that when it is time for you to make a decision, they will gladly give you a turn. The problem is this does not teach self-control and your child will come to believe that they are in charge and you have no right to impose any decision on them. There is a mom in the ACTS class on Wed night who has a 7 year old and who has given her daughter choices. Her pediatrician said her daughter was bright and needed to have lots of choices. But now her daughter at 7 has an attitude that she is as equipped to make adult decisions as her mom. And she doesn’t have the respect for her mother’s authority that she should. You see the whole point of all this self-control talk is like Roddy said last week, so that our children will learn to say no to themselves and yes to God. If you have trouble with authority, you’re going to have trouble with God’s authority in your life.
Repeating yourself – You know you‘ve taught your kids not to obey the first time when you hear yourself saying, “How many times do I have to tell you?” or “I’m not going to tell you again.” Save yourself some time and energy and give instructions one time and expect obedience. If your child can obey the 3rd time, they can obey the first. Usually what happens if you continually have to repeat yourself before your kids obey, is you end up frustrated and angry and you discipline out of aggravation instead of love.
Threatening – “If you don’t _______, I’m gonna_______.” Don’t make threats about what you’re going to do if they don’t do something. If they know what you expect and don’t do it, they are disobeying and need discipline for it.
Bribing – this is a big one. An example would be, “If you are really good at Grandma’s house, I’ll take you get ice cream later.” Bribing is used when parents don’t understand their God-given authority. Offering a treat or money for obedience and good behavior does not teach self-control. I love how Reb puts it on page 58: “Bribing children tells them:
That your word s insufficient motivation to obey.
That they are in charge and you are not.
That you are at their mercy.
That you are not worthy of their respect.”
There is a difference between bribes and rewards. A bribe is offered in order to get the behavior you desire. A reward is given without prior notice. It’s unexpected. Twistie Treat example.
Allowing Excuses - It starts when they are little and we excuse wrong behavior by saying, “Oh, she just needs a nap” or “He’s just tired.” It teaches your children to make excuses for their bad attitudes and misbehavior. An older child who says, “He started it” or “He made me do it” is making excuses and it is wrong. We want to teach our kids to take responsibility for their behavior, not blame the situation or someone else.
Tricking or Manipulating – An example of this would be when it’s time to leave the park. Instead of just saying, “Okay it’s time to go now”, you manipulate them with “Grandma’s coming over. We have to hurry and get home.” Or instead of saying, “It’s bedtime” saying, “Do you want to take the bear or bunny to bed with you?” We used to do this before Reb pointed it out. We wanted to avoid the conflict and so we tried to trick out kids into thinking, “this is a good idea. I get to take something with me to bed.”
When you're getting ready to change activities - especially something your kids are engrossed in, it is very helpful to give a time warning like, "Okay, 5 minutes 'til bedtime." It gives the child time to prepare their minds for what's coming.
Distracting – is another way we are taught to deal with tough situations. Instead of training a child not to touch the tv, we are told to move them or distract them with something else.
Again, the problem with all of these methods is they do not train the child to submit his will to yours. Even Jesus who is equal to God submitted himself to his Father. Luke 22:42 Jesus prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." In John 12:50, he said, “whatever I say is just what the Father has told me to say." John 14:31 “I do exactly what my Father has commanded me.” Who are we supposed to model ourselves after? Christ. We are to strive to be like Jesus. We should teach our children to do the same.
Colossians 3:20 “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Last time I checked everything still meant everything.
So our initial priority is to establish the standard of first-time obedience. In our house that means, we ask our children to do something in a calm voice and we expect them to obey cheerfully, right away, all the way, no matter what. Anything else is disobedience. For example, if I send one of them to their room to clean up, and they go right away but stomp off in protest. That is not obeying cheerfully. If I ask them to go brush their teeth, and they wait until they’ve finished stacking up their Legos, they are not obeying right away. If I send them to put clothes away, but I find the clothes scattered on the closet floor, they have not obeyed all the way. If I tell them to stop running, and they say, “But Iris is chasing me,” they are not obeying no matter what.
Now there are times when they may respectfully appeal. For example, if I send them to brush their teeth not knowing Roddy has already had them brush their teeth, they may say, “Mommy, may I tell you something?” To which I would say, “Sure, what is it?” And they can tell me they’ve already done it. But they have to start to obey first. In other words, I tell them to brush their teeth and they head in the direction of the bathroom before appealing with a respectful attitude.
How do you achieve first-time obedience? Through training and discipline. We believe both are very important. But we also believe that no amount of discipline will make up for a lack of training. By training we mean teaching and practicing right behavior. I want you to think of something you are good at because you have practiced or gone through some kind of training. Athletes train for their sport; musicians practice their instruments; Roddy trains for his job; and children can train for right behavior. We have what we call “training time.” It might be an impromptu 15 minutes whenever the need arises, or it could be 30 minutes scheduled into a weeknight. During our time, we practice the behavior we expect from our kids. For example:
What they’re doing right now is training them to sit quietly and in one spot. We call in quiet-time. The lady who showed it to me has 12 children. She calls it playpen in a purse. Start by having them pick 2 quiet toys or books. Then give them a blanket. Tell them they and their toys have to stay on the blanket. They can’t talk or stand up. If they are younger than 18 months, go around each side of the blanket and tap the carpet saying, “No, no.” Then point to the blanket and say, “Yes.” If a foot or hand or toy comes off the blanket, during the first day of learning it, just put it back and say, “Stay on the blanket.” But after the first day, you may need to give them a swat. Do not engage in conversation. Try it for 5 minutes the first time. Then add 5 minutes each time and build up to however long you need. After about 30 minutes, I will ask if anyone needs a potty break or wants to get a different toy. The first time I tried it, Jackson was 2, Gray was 3 and Emma was 4. When the timer went off, they asked to do it again. This went on for 45 minutes.
We originally started doing this when our house was being built…
We do not use it for punishment. I’ll use it if I need instant peace and quiet – like when I’m trying to fix dinner and my blood sugar is dropping but my blood pressure is rising. We’ve also used it in the car - just without the blankets. And we usually use it to start our “training time.”
You can train them to come to you when you call. For kids over 3, send them to another room and tell them you’re going to call their name. When they hear their name, they need to answer, “Yes, Sir or Yes, Ma’am, I’m coming.” That way you know they’ve heard you. And then they should come right away. Practice several times and praise for a job well done. When you’re finished tell them you expect them to do the same thing the next day.
For younger ones – 18 months or so…put them down on one side of the room and walk to the other side. Then call them. If they don’t come, go over and say, “Daddy called you, I want you to come right away” and lead them to where you were when you called. Now do it again. This time, if they don’t come, go over to where they are, give a little swat on the bottom and say, “Daddy called you; I want you to come right away.” And lead them again to where you were when you called. Continue this until they come to you on their own. And when they do, be sure to lavish them with affection and praise for obeying. By 2 years of age –depending on verbal skills, you can teach them to answer you with “Coming.”
First-time obedience - Tell them you are going ask them to do something and you expect them to answer you with, “Yes, Ma’am or Yes, Mommy.” After they do what you ask, have them come to you and report that they did it and have them ask you if there is anything else they can do to help. Get Gray to show example-have her take something off the chair and put it on the table and report. Again, praise for doing it correctly and send them back to try again if they don’t. We’ll give younger ones simple tasks like: “Will you bring me your blanket please?” And more involved tasks for older ones like: “I want you to go to your room, touch your dresser, pick up a toy, and then give Daddy a kiss.” It can be silly stuff or you can actually get things accomplished like cleaning up a room in the process.
Next week we will continue with ideas for "training time."
This week, read chapters 3 & 4. And try to have some training time. Pick one of the things we talked about to practice with your kids.
